OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
@TomP- that’s good news. Cunning prop-baby.
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These injury and performance woes have certainly dampened expectations, which is a good thing for my blood pressure.
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Predictions:
Head says: abs 35 – eng 25
Heart says: eng 25 – abs 22
Head says: sa 26 – Wales 24
Heart says: sa 26 – Wales 24
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morning!……………..
35 points is a lot Craigs and suggests some sort of defensive crack=up. what do you have in mind?
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Best thing about this week is that – unlike 2011 or GrandSlam shootouts – I have zero expectation. We’re in everything is a bonus territory.
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Predictions:
England by a few points (21-17 or something similar). England hitting their straps in this RWC and no real weaknesses of note. NZ are brilliant, but I think that England have the edge in that they have a better kicking game and defence. NZ defence is very good, but I do think there could be cracks in midfield for England to exploit. If England can control possession, I think they have enough to score tries vs NZ (because NZ will score off any opportunities)
SA by 15 points or so (27-12 or similar). Think it will be very tight until 60mins, when the forward subs come on. Very attritional, lots of kicking, no quarter asked or given. SA set piece to wear Wales down, with heroic defense holding them out. Nothing in it at halftime. When the subs come on, the superior quality of the SA bench will allow them to score a couple of late tries to win comfortably in the end.
If Wales get some early scores, it could be different, but not likely imho
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Slade – just abs awesomeness tbh.
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@yosoy
I agree with you re: zero expectation, but I would counter with: this will be Wales’ last chance in the foreseeable future to reach the final. Their best chance ever, really (well, maybe 2011, but then they kind of came from nowhere, now Wales have been a good winning team for a while)
If not now, then it wont happen in my lifetime
I know they will lose to SA, but just thinking that with Gatland, Edwards, AWJ, JD2, Tipuric, Biggar makes me think, maybe, just maybe….
I am already bricking it, and will be until the Boks grind the dream into the dust
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Would be good to have a NH vs SH final furra change
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Got a feeling about Wales. Think they’ll do it.
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No idea about the other game. 50/50.
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Today’s Long Read inna Graun could be much shorter.
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@utna
I agree with all that apart particularly the Gatland/Edwards/big players angle. Enough to make me think there’s a small chance. I don’t expect to win, though, and this could well be the last chance Wales gets to dine at the big table for a long, long time, possibly ever.
I’m looking forward to it.
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Utna – no no no no no. We’re doomed. Fecked even.
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“Possibly ever.”
Please. NAILED ON!!!!!
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“It’s a special name because it’s not what they’re called, yet we all know them as the All Blacks. It’s a name that puts the fear of God into everybody when you’re playing them because they have been forever and a day the best team in the world. But there’s also a bit of excitement when you hear the name.”
Guess who? Clue: not Ugo.
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@craigs
He seems be giving my advice on how I need to approach my game tomorrow. I’ll hold that advice dearly in the unlikely event EJ gives me a last minute call up.
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OT – in that case I’d get on the plane to Japan immediately. Don’t want to be stuck in the UK in case of a call up. Don’t be geographically naive.
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This is great, flim of Edinburgh v All Blacks 31st October 1979 – a good few of my boyhood heroes are on that park, and not just the Embra lads.
Just don’t compare guys who trained two hours on a Tuesday night after work and then the same on a Thursday with today’s full time professionals
Oh a few things of note – look at the ABs lineout throwing, they are still using the winger standing perpindicular to the touchline and trowing overarm, that was how we were taught when we first encountered rugby a few years before, but as can be seen with the Embra hooker, things were changing by ’79.
Quick Cwiz Cwestion, no googling at the back – what is unusual about Alex Brewster, the Edinburgh flanker that day?
https://www.edinburghrugby.org/the-clubhouse/highlights-edinburgh-v-new-zealand,-1979
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“perpindicular” my arse!
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Your Bonnie Heroes
Edinburgh Rugby team to face Scarlets at BT Murrayfield in the Guinness PRO14
Saturday 26 October (kick-off 7.35pm) – live on Premier Sports
15. Blair Kinghorn 14. Eroni Sau*13. Mark Bennett 12. Matt Scott 11. Duhan van der Merwe 10. Simon Hickey (9. Nic Groom CAPTAIN
1. Pierre Schoeman 2. Mike Willemse 3. Pietro Ceccarelli 4. Fraser McKenzie 5. Murray Douglas 6. Ally Miller 7. Luke Crosbie 8. Nick Haining
Replacements: 16. Cameron Fenton 17. Jamie Bhatti 18. Murray McCallum 19. Sam Thomson 20. Magnus Bradbury 21. Henry Pyrgos 22. Jaco van der Walt 23. George Taylor
Unavailable due to injury: Ewan Ashman, Dave Cherry, Jack Stanley, Darryl Marfo, Lewis Carmichael, Ruan Steenkamp, Hamish Watson, Chris Dean, Jack Blain
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Didn’t he win a cap as a prop or have I got my Brewsters mixed up?
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pluses and minuses – plus Eroni Sau on dayboo, I can’t wait to see The Sledgehammer in action, that is an exciting back three. Matt Scott being back makes the backline a real potential threat.
Minuses, Hickey. The fact that Pyrgos walks back in, Charlie Sheil is the future and adds so much pace when he comes on at 65 minutes, I can’t see why we’d want a Rock Steady Eddie in that role.
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You’re on the money, Yos, he won more caps as a tighthead than he did a flanker.
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My mistake, according to Wiki, Brewster won three Scotland caps as a flanker and three as a prop, I thought he had played more in the front row
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Still a handy side despite the missing internationals
SCARLETS: 15 Johnny McNicholl; 14 Ryan Conbeer, 13 Steff Hughes (capt), 12 Ioan Nicholas, 11 Tom James; 10 Dan Jones, 9 Kieran Hardy; 1 Rob Evans, 2 Taylor Davies, 3 Samson Lee, 4 Steve Cummins, 5 Juandre Kruger, 6 Tom Phillips, 7 Josh Macleod, 8 Uzair Cassiem.
Reps: 16 Marc Jones, 17 Phil Price, 18 Werner Kruger, 19 Josh Helps, 20 Dan Davis, 21 Jonathan Evans, 22 Angus O’Brien 23 Kieron Fonotia.
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Have we done Bath yet?
https://www.somersetlive.co.uk/sport/other-sport/bath-rugby-exeter-chiefs-live-3460068
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All Blacks by 9, SA by 12.
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Oh Dog, I’ve gone and got the HOPE. White orcs by 4. Huzzah!
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Great Britain RL play Tonga tomorrow morning, kick off 8am.
Yes they have arranged the start of the tour to coincide with the semi finals if the RU world cup.
And more shockingly there is only 1 Burgess brother in the squad.
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Will they win that, OT? Tonga were pretty good in the RLWC I think.
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I would expect them to, yep. Tonga were brilliant at the RLWC partly because they used the interchange quite cleverly. Instead of swapping their fatties every 20 mins or so they’d keep them on as long as possible and then bring on fresh ones at around 65 minor so. Was very effective – within inches of getting to the final.
GB should be ready for that tactic plus the GB forward pack is immense.
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Just had a nice chat in the Rufty Tufty with German Pete who drinks a bit and likes to watch rugby. He was mightily impressed with Wales scoring a try 5 minutes from the end against France when everything was pointing to a defeat.
Perhaps it reminded him of Germany winning on penalties, but he is supporting our boys as a result.
C’mon Wales!
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Well goodness me. Slipped over the road to RT2, and Percy the Tour Guide & Bochum FC fanatic – with an Argentinian wife – is champing at the bit to watch tomorrow’s game in the Irish Pub.
Now the Pumas are out he is 100% AB tomorrow, but then for Wales if they get to the final!
So in my sample of 2, Deutschland liebt Wales!
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Bochum have just gone 1-0 down to Kiel, so he might be a bit delusional.
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@Iks – would that be German Percy?
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Aye, that be German Percy.
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I asked Half-German Mats who he’d be supporting over the weekend and he said “Nyyyeuuurggghh”. Thankfully his father arrived to take him away soon after.
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I am a rubbish blog admin. Completely forgot about putting up a new post yesterday. Let me attend to that, just in time for this evening’s matches.
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OT – Tonga are touring GB right?
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“I am a rubbish blog admin.”
Well yes we are still waiting for you to ban Iks.
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” I am a rubbish blog admin.”
Too right. Not even a thumbs-up button for us to rub it in. I put it down to losing the will to live after the QFs.
Thauma Oot!
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See what I mean.
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Thauma In! Iksy Oot!
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I can go with that.
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@craigs
8am. In the morning. GB touring NZ and PNG. Playing Tonga in NZ.
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CMW into the sun!
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