OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Feck. It was coming.
Oz favourite now
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What a try!
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That’s a good try, exposing weakness in the England defence but a little too easy.
And DAB has been proved right forever about Daly.
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Right stay calm, and stop playing a loose million mile an hour game like they want
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I thought Petaia made a mistake earlier kicking the ball away on advantage but that was a gorgeous inside ball to Koroibete.
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Holy shit
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And there’s the response!
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Baby Dino!
What a line and impressive gas.
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SINCKLER FURRA LIIIIIIINNNNEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Something something momentum
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If anyone ever says Farrell can’t pass
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That grin on his face.
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Simple try. Excellently finished by Sinckler.
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And another great try, this time for England. What a pass!
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What a start to the 2nd half. Both sides with great tries.
Lovely pass by Farrell to set up big Kyle
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Good game, this
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Foot to the throat now boys – get the next score
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That was a scrum of intent.
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Early bind from England at the scrum there!
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Good moaning, Flair.
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Sinckler’s dander is up. Folded Sio like an origami accordion there.
England back in the driving seat
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Difficult for the Aus hooker when your own tighthead is scrumming against you. Aus front row are marshmallows.
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Good game this. I think Garces has been good too but what do I know.
Oz playing too much in their own half.
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Aus need to go to the bench. Get White & Toomua on to regain some impetus
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Australia defence is getting very slow on ball they think England are going to kick. Worth getting the ball to a the second or third guy out to see what’s on.
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Aus need to get rid of The Auctioneer.
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Who is the auctioneer?
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Surprising lack of fear about the Ireland game. Mostly as I don’t think we’ll get near them.
Would be great if we turn up and keep it close.
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Genia. Keeps selling the receiver to the man in white.
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Get in Garces’s ear, Hooper. Tell him next one should be a yellow.
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@Deebee
Nice
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Great defence by England
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Big defence. Big moment.
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Excellent defence England.
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Awful kick from Slade. Counter was on. England get away with it but that was shit.
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That was impressive from Sinckler
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Great defence.
Don’t think we’ll beat the ABs like this but I’ll take it for now
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Curry is a machine. Itoje all sorts of illegal defending on the line.
Sink having a massive game.
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Good defence from England but there’s no point in having the offside at ruck law in the books.
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We’ve been nicely “streetwise” today.
Big change from a few years ago when we would have got pinged off the park
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@Tomp thought Garces was spot on there. Top, top ref. Always said it.
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Try now to kill it off
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Toomua with a big mistake there. DHP did the same v South Africa in the RC to let Herschel Jantjies in for a try.
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Ha, Dab.
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LFB needs bigger hands.
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Good option I think, 2 scores up
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I have to say, I’m not finding the commentary too bad. Feel dirty saying it.
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Nick Mullins (I think it’s him?) Is ok without Barnes
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“LFB needs bigger hands.”
It’s a curse. Very hard to find winter gloves that fit.
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Pocock shoots out the line, runs round Youngs and…nothing??
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