OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
@FFB – it’s Harrison who works with Barnes. He’s still dire without the side-kick. Mullins is BT Sport.
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Please please can we have Watson at FB for the next game
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Has Daly done ANYTHING useful today??
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Ah ok.
Well agree, commentary has been decent today mostly
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Dab – made a couple of tackles of kick chases and that’s it
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Take your pick there. Not straight, knock on.
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That’s it boys. Grind them into a paste.
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England doing a good job of grinding Oz hope into dust right now.
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The pack are mincing them now
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England into the semi final after that kick.
Good game to start the qf round.
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Daly’s done some very decent congratulating of England players. After the arse-slapping experiment of 4 years ago, his understated fist to the arm has been effective.
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That’s the game. England pulling away with the basics.
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Aus restarts have been absolute pish. That’s the 2nd that hasn’t gone 10.
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Anyone else looking forward to Cheika’s press conference immensely?
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Lol
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Goodnight
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Bonus point!
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Well done to England.
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That’s just rubbing salt into the wound. Intercept by Watson to score.
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@yos not sure how he can blame this on the ref…
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“Daly’s been flaky at FB tonight”
Beal: “Hold my pint…”
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@Yos
Yes – maybe his last one. Hope he goes out in style. Plays some his greatest hits, plus a bit of new material
Beale has gifted England a few points tonight!
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Wonderful try. Daly nowhere again.
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40-16 looking like a bit of a sash windowing, though the game has been very competitive
Korobeite salvages some scoreboard respectability
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Ben Skeen is a moron
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How was the TMO “fine” with the second pass there?
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Or not, forward pass
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Always said Garces is a great lad
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Well done Garces. TMO chatting bollocks there. Shame he checked because it was a lovely try.
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Garces is a superb ref. Best in the world etc etc
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Slade has got a haircut you could set your watch to.
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Well played. England too good. Ireland will have to up their game next week :)
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knock-out rugby!
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Running up 40 points speaks for itself. Well played England!
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Strange game. Aus had so much of the ball, much of it quick, but somehow got smothered.
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Far too loose, playing from deep too often and then not being accurate. They made their own bed.
Not that England weren’t the much better team. I thought they were outstanding second half.
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Korobeite is exciting to watch, but it became the equivalent of ‘give it to Shane’ in the second half.
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Why isn’t Lynagh in the studio to temper the smirking?
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No cards, no obvious injuries, Faz perfect from tee, and 40 pts. Close in defence good, bit more worrying out wide. Great start to Saturday, now come on Ireland!
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Very very happy with that.
Think that establishes us as genuine contenders, played nice and quick to start and then slowed it down and ground them down once we had the lead.
But most pleasing of all – hopefully we can put to bed some of the flakiness fears with the way we didn’t combust when they got back to 17-16.
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@Iks – don’t think the panel have been too awful – hard to disagree with them that Australia didn’t play a very intelligent game.
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Well, that’s a relief – was very worried when Aus scored after the break, until Farrell threw the Sink at them for the try, and then got the penalty from the scrum. Was reasonably confident when we were 17pts ahead with 5 mins to play…
Oz always dangerous and a fabulous team at times, but couldn’t keep that level up and it told in the end. Encouraging for England, even if will take an even better performance to beat Ireland next week.
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Nice.
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Great game. Amazing redemption for the 2015 game. Commiserations Australia. Maybe you’ll get a coach who knows what he’s doing.
Gwan Ireland!!
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Best bit about that game – no controversial high tackles/TMO interventions
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Come on now Ireland.
95% possession with a one out runners and a 3-0 win from a 40 phase drop goal will do nicely
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Reasonably happy with any possible outcome in this next match. Expecting a great game.
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Well done, England!
Now I FEAR.
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@yosoy,
Had to be done, yos… Sorry!
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Good luck Ireland!
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