OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
I always think that if a prop gets a try from more than 5m out and it’s not a maul then that’s an instant Maro of the Match.
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Irish fans deciding to return the Haka. Not sure winding up Savea is a good idea he looked as if he was on some illegal substance
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Can the all blacks upset the odds here?
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Quite a good looking move by Ireland off the scrum but the execution of the kick poor by Sexton.
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Ireland must be licking their lips with Nigel calling the maul that early
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Sam Whitlock looking like a bear today
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Choke tackled by the Blacks. In the Netherlands a Black Flame chuckles.
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Very boring from the ABs. Wellying that up from first phase. Shameful.
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Rooooost
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Nz 13 hard rock mullet.
Bet he drives an Opal Manta
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Nige putting his foot down with a firm whistle.
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They won’t beat Ireland by just kicking penalties.
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NZ doing well to push the maul towards touch, forcing Ireland to play.
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Too many errors from Ireland. Pressure to intense from the Darkness?
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NZ forwards well on top so far. Ireland struggling to get a foothold in the game
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Fuck!
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Relentless stuff. Ireland need to weather this storm.
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Ooh, that was a big hole for Smith to nip through.
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Bugger. Quick phase play but I thought we were defending it quite well. One gap, one score. Brutal efficiency.
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Had to crack eventually. Nice snipe from Smith for classic SH try.
NZ clearing well past the ruck, making it very difficult for Ireland to defend the fringes.
Ireland need some ball
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Very good try.
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Missed touch? Great work from NZ winger, but really poor from Sexton
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Come on, Sir! Fucking hell – Healy polite and filthy-mouthed in the space of 5 words.
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That was a bad miss to touch.
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Nothing going right for Ireland. Mess up their lineout and now NZ back on attack
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Earls did very well to get back but it was already fucked by then.
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Even Irish cheating can’t stop the ABs scoring.
/snark
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All of that from a potential 5 yard attacking line out. Shit.
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This is all going horribly wrong.
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Smith in again after Bridge tackled just short of the line after a sweeping move. A lot of pace from NZ
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Stockdale’s having a disaster.
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Super wraparound variation.
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That should be a red
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Literally twisting the neck
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Ireland in danger of getting blown away here
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The All-Blacks’ off-loading is just so good.
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O’Mahoney steps up with a couple of big plays in the last few minutes to stem the tide
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O’Mahony doesn’t look happy.
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“O’Mahony doesn’t look happy.”
Ever.
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Ireland too sloppy at the moment to win a 6n game against Italy, let alone a world.cup QF with NZ
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At the moment it looks like the ABs v England will be the final played a week early!
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Have to say that Ireland were lucky not to be cards with that head high tackle. Just not in the game at the moment.
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Nige with a zinger. So far in this game 1. NZ, 2. Nige, 3. Ireland.
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Bloody hell.
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Off the hear. Looks like that’s fine?
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Jaysus Ireland
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Goodnight Vienna. We are effing up even the simple things
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What was the score against France last QF? Could be worse than that at this rate
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Showbiz Nige.
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Reece using his head and the game is over.
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