OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Coaches do talk about the “top 2 inches”.
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“What was the score against France last QF? Could be worse than that at this rate”
62-13. Difficult to see where Ireland’ll get 13 points in this match.
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Wraparound fail.
Ireland getting pulled into playing wide and playing from deep. Not their game at all and Nz are punishing the errors most strictly.
NZ are also setting to run back the box kicks, much like Japan did vs Scotland.
NZ are turning the Irish halves strengths into weaknesses. Very clever coaching
Going to be a long evening for Ireland.
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Sexton looked like he’s aged 10 years at that last kick off
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This looks like the second game where I got the margin completely wrong.
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Hate that fecking spider cam.
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Feel sorry the Irish posters – this is a woeful performance so far.
NZ have been clinical but they haven’t really had to turn it on too much with the amount of Irish mistakes
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*sorry for
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Mo’unga puts the ball dead from a penalty. The cracks are beginning to come through.
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That’s such a nothing play.
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“NZ have been clinical but they haven’t really had to turn it on too much with the amount of Irish mistakes”
A bit like England earlier. In fairness to NZ, they’re forcing Ireland into some of these mistakes. Australia just shot themselves in the foot repeatedly (not that I think they’d have won).
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Ireland need to be a lot more direct. They have some good carriers, Stander, Henshaw, Ryan, the props.
Start running off 9 and punching around and behind the ruck. NZ are eating this lateral stuff
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Murray’s starting to get a little petulant. Got a telling off from Nige and then tried to bump Brody.
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FFS Cian, stop appealing and start hitting the rucks
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Dunno Utna, it could be a card!
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NZ have done their work on the Irish line out maul. Read blocked off the corner quickly and effectively,
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“What are you checking ref?” “You.”
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Not looking good from POM.
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I’m opening the wine now. Bloody hell.
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Good decision, Nige.
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Cian Healy doing the Biggar impression is infuriating
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Nothing in that. Penalty Ireland for tackle without the ball. No need to reverse, POM shoved the backside of the guy lying all over the ball.
Wouldnt have been necessary if Healy, despite being grabbed early, did his job and cleared over the ruck
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Bollocks bollocks bollocks. Just not at the races.
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Good game to win for Ireland!
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Statattack
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The penalty reversal seems unfair to do via TMO, although the original tackle without the ball was TMO too
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Nige asked to check both. Don’t want to get pinged? Don’t shoulder a guy on the floor.
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I missed the first game and rewound that first half, ffing through the breaks in play, so far so Blackness
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Hope Ireland wake up. In spite of the ABs class, it’s just too one sided to be entertaining.
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Stockdale has been honking bad.
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Oh dear, Stockdale.
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NZ reduced to going for nonsense drop goals. Still 22-0.
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That’ll be that, then
This is some performance from New Zealand
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Absolute dominance. Smith is just standing behind the ruck directing traffic and they ease over for the bonus point try.
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I can’t see anyone beating this side.
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Despite the scoreline, Rory Best has been a trojan in defence for Ireland tonight. Pity his last game in green looks like ending in a heavy defeat.
Great player leading his team by example one last time.
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England can beat them as can the Boks. Wales would find it very hard but we can beat both England and South Africa.
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@Thaum agreed, only England I think could get close
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Well, that was a…decision.
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@Tomp would we want to be in a final to be beaten 50-0 by the ABs?
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Goodhue has been very good. Tidy shift.
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They wouldn’t beat us 50-0. It’ d be 49-3.
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Yos, You have to be something else to carry off hair like his
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They’ve just imposed themselves on this Ireland pack, which is still very strong. Really impressive.
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Whinge mode engaged.
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Oh my, another missed touch.
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The mistakes are just woeful.
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I like TJ
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Aaron Smith off.
My MOTM.
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Bastards aren’t smiling either.
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