OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Ireland have thrown in the towel. Todd over.
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Ireland did well to stop Reece, close to the line, but the support from NZ was too quick and Todd scores.
34-0
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Some impressive short range try scoring from the ABs today.
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Oncle Joe should give some game time to his younger SH and FH. Sexton and Muray have been useless.
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NZ have been outstanding in every respect. Ireland, even taking into account the pressure exerted by NZ, have been very poor.
Not much of a contest
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NZ have gone full Barrett.
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3 missed touches in one match??
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Another missed touch, albeit good work from Bridge.
This is awful skillz at this level
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Tomos Williams taught NZ everything they know
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Bridge saves a 5-metre line out by leaping over the line. His pass puts Barrett in trouble. NZ recover and Perenara kicks out to the 22. Michael Cheika throws his hands in the air. What is this nonsense?
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He’s Amosed that.
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Oh dear. Henshaw knocks on over the line. Ireland had an advantage.
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AT LAST!!
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7 down, 28 to go.
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Henshaw playing 4D chess. Knock on the dead cert try so they can go back to the scrum and he can then crash over under the posts for a gimme conversion.
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How…wha…how?
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*whimpers*
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Everything about George Bridge screams 1950s
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Shoulda kept Larmour on when he was first subbed in the first half!
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“Everything about George Bridge screams 1950s”
Or 2019 as it’s known in New Zealand.
Gosh. A penalty for sealing off.
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PENALTY TRY!!!
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Badoom tish, Tam
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34 points up with 4 minutes left but still NZ willing to cheat to protect their line. Such commitment.
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What is wrong with our fly-halves today?
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Some of Carberry’s kicking has been utter piss.
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What was the offence there? Was Todd offside?
I really didn’t see anything wrong, but I must have missed something
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End of the road for a big chunk of the Irish squad (outside of Best obvs) I think.
Sexton, Murray (?), POM, Kearney, Earls all looking a good bit off the pace needed on today/last few months evidence?
What are your thoughts Irish crew?
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Nige said he was offside.
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Ugo’s faith in Andy Farrell was somewhat misplaced.
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Suicidal defending from Stockdale.
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England v NZ going to be a humdinger.
We will need an 80 min performance to win though – if we have a first 20 like today vs Aus don’t think we’ll come out 14-3 on top
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Richie Mo’unga’s long pass > Beauden Barrett’s long pass
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@FFB
I’m not Irish, but I agree with most of that. Think POM has more seasons in him. Not sure what the 9s are like coming through, but Murray looks done. Would add Healy to your list
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Who’d have thought two teams would score 40+ in a quarter final?
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Brutal
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Well, that SF betwen England and NZ has the whiff of a final.
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(Snark mode engaged)
Shame it had to end for Joe Schmidt like that but he’s done something no other Ireland coach has done – coaching Ireland to 2 quarter-final defeats.
(Snark mode disengaged)
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FFB – Sexton has been off-colour for a while now, but today he was really uncharacteristically bad. I wonder if he’s carrying injuries. I imagine Kearney will be retiring soon anyway.
This was a really disappointing match. Sure, the All-Blacks were practically flawless, and their off-loads and directions changes make them really, really hard to defend against, but we gave away so much.
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They would have been too good if we had put in a performance but bitterly disappointed with what we did. Error upon error upon error.
The team needs a big refresh. On the slide since Joe announced the handover.
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Oh well, commiserations Ireland. Never at the races, but NZ were a cut above: clearly the favourites for next week.
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That last try by NZ says it all. One man down, thirty points ahead and they keep on going for a try. Wonderful.
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Gwan Rory
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@Flair
Certainly are the 2 best teams, but if you look at the other side of the draw:
SA most likely to make final. They can certainly beat either NZ or England
Japan highly unlikely to make the final, but if they do, then who would bet against them
Wales/France, if they make it would be unlikely to beat NZ. Would never count either of them out in a one off game vs England
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All class from Read in the post match
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Lovely from Rory – and the crowd.
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Comiserations Ireland – re-build and come back.
I’d say Eng vs NZ looks a Kruis kind of match-up
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Utna, I agree with all that.
Can’t see either France nor Wales winning their SF vs either Japan nor SA.
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Class from Hansen too.
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Ouch
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It’s over.
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