OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
“Can’t see either France nor Wales winning their SF vs either Japan nor SA.”
Really?
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Wales v nz I reckon
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Feels like an anti climax now we’ve seen how dominant NZ are. Hope we give them a game
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I thought England at the start of the RWC and I see no reason to change. NZ have been even better than I expected, but still think England will win.
Eng-SA final imho
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What a complete synt (from the G’s live blog):
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I cannot see any way England can beat NZ next weekend. It’s pretty comforting, because there won’t even be any FEAR, just a little bit of foolish hope the day or two before. NZ are just on another level.
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England definitely have a chance next weekend. They’ve got the forwards and I reckon they’ll give New Zealand a torrid time in the scrums and rolling mauls. Defence in the backs definitely needs sharpening up.
Ireland, a decent match against Scotland apart, haven’t been good.
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It’s going to be a helluva scrap next weekend.
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Nice work Craigs on the ATL. Just got back from a week in the wilderness, chasing fish and not getting shot by elk hunters. didn’t expect such a comprehensive win, in fact I could sleep much last night thinking about the game. Commiserations to Irish supporters.
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“It’s going to be a helluva scrap next weekend.”
Japan vs Wales?
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I think it is hard to tell how the semi-final will go. As excellent as the ABs were today I’m left with the feeling that they were playing a team in decline, and a team struggling with what to do about it.
England on the other hand are a team getting better at the right time, so it will be the first time in this tournament the ABs won’t have it all their own way.
It seems though that Hansen has timed it all perfectly and his team are playing at a level beyond the reach of most teams. England or SA might have a puncher’s chance because they can match the physicality in the forwards, but Wales, Japan and France just aren’t at that level. In fact it any of those three get through then their best hope is praying for a fugue of choking complacency descending on their opponents in the final.
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“so it will be the first time in this tournament the ABs won’t have it all their own way”
Apart from the first 20 minutes and a fair bit of the second half v South Africa.
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Phew. I’m with Dab. Really chuffed with Englands performance, but ABs ridiculous awesomeness kind of put a dampner on the day. No way are we going to beast them, unless we go up several gears, and with Eliot managing to keep ten yards away from any clean breaks, to avoid getting his shirt dirty, could get nasty.
Tough luck Ireland. Weren’t at the races really, but you weren’t given much chance either. Anyone going 3 scores down against NZ are going to get cleaned up, they start going all kinds of flash when they get a bit of breathing space, and can push the limits at the breakdown without fear. ( Lots of sly obstructions too, in case next weeks ref is reading this).
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anyone got a link to Exeter vs Quins?
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Lovely try for Should Have Been In Japan Rory Hutchinson, spinning through about 3 tackles and over the line. And they’ve just scored a length of the field breakaway try!
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https://www.vipleague.lc/rugby-sports-stream
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TomP I thought France and Wales were the weakest of the last 8, until I watched Ireland today. Still think both of them would be going out in the SF.
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The Cheika and Hooper press conference was a bit of a let down. Some low key surliness but not their best effort.
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SBT
I’m glad I’m not the only person who thought this! But hell, we were never going to win that.
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Bit nitpickity that TomP, even though there’s no such word. They won fairly comfortably in that opening match v the Boks.
England and the Darknesss look like the BIG teams that have got the timing and preparation spot on, factoring in that the ABs beat the also well-prepared Boks in that early ‘My Preparation is Better than Yours’ showdown.
Plucky little Wales and Extremely Well-Prepared Japan have done amazingly well to get this far, but it is hard to imagine either of them beating the ABs, England and the Boks.
In summary if there is any poetry left in the world then we should all get behind the winners of France v Wales.
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Do we have a replacement for the Robshaw?
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That’s a Reverse Robshaw, the mystery element scientists have speculated on for decades, but never had proof.
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Saints beat Sarries.
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What a difference a year (and a World Cup) can do.
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C’mon Wales!
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I have mentioned before the tendency for Wales’ results to mirror those of Norwich City. So if tomorrow morning’s match bears any resemblan
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ce to a goalless draw at Bournemouth (and well it might) then you know who to blame.
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Wales will destroy France.
SA will end Japan’s dreams. Evilly.
The only thing left in any question is which of wales or SA lose to NZ in the final.
Hopefully there’ll be some good stuff to watch on the way
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I’ll take a 9-9 bore draw if it means we go through after a corner flag dive off between Huget and Amos.
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If that happens, Dov, you’ll be delighted to learn that it’ll be same semi-finals as the 2013 Under 20 World Cup.
Pollard and Kolbe are from the SA team to the 1st team now. Kwagga Smith was in the squad as was Jesse Kriel
Elliot Dee only player from the Wales semi-final squad (sub) in the Senior side.
Scott Barrett and Ardie Savea from Baby Blacks to All Blacks.
Cowan-Dickie, Slade and Anthony Watson from England Kiddies to Aussie Munchers. Plus Moriarty but he’s playing for Wales.*
* 2 of the England XXIII are now turning out for Italy.
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Oops forgot Nowell as well. He was there.
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16 hookers in the English Premiership teams today – only 5 English. 4 South Africans and 2 Scottish, 1 Irish, 1 Welsh, a Samoan, a Tongan and an American.
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Who were the two Scots, TomP?
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Kids in bed. Think I might watch England again and try to forget the 4 times world champs
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Cheese update :- Got the place wrong , this is a great cheese
https://www.thecourtyarddairy.co.uk/shop/buy-cheese/blue-cheese/buy-stichelton-cheese/
Also , after a frantic memory search, have remembered another favourite that I ate for lunch for the best part of a year with two thin slices of yeast free rye and spelt bread, Carrig Goats cheese, made by an old Dutch couple near Ballingeary, Co.Cork. Appears they may still be there.
http://www.localbusinesspages.ie/65357/Carrig-Goat-Cheese.aspx
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Only because Dan Thomas has been cruelly overlooked by Gatland.
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Cheese? Had some Burts Blues with my portobello mushrooms accompanying my rib eye steak and home made chips for tea.
Proper cheese that.
Steak was amazing too.
Better take a beta before bed.
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BB, Kerr and Miller.
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We played pretty well.
Oz were so rubbish though that we’d have needed to put 60 on them to look like a team that could challenge the all blacks.
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Our first try was a thing o beauty.
All great hands and good lines.
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We really seemed to do a lot of tackling. Mako looked like he’d just done 12 rounds with Tyson.
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On my own.
Its peaceful I suppose
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I think maro has been given the job of keeping sinkler out of bother. 3 times theres been a shot of him grabbing sink and pulling him away from confrontation.
Good planning and well done
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Daly looked injured all game. Slow and never balanced.
He either isn’t fit or froze. He’s a better player than he showed today
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“I think maro has been given the job of keeping sinkler out of bother. 3 times theres been a shot of him grabbing sink and pulling him away from confrontation.
Good planning and well done”
Poacher turned gamekeeper?
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Dov – Daly just isn’t an FB. Stick him at wing or centre and he’d look a lot more settled.
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Ticht, I don’t remember maro ever being involved in anything nasty. His ‘never take a backward step’ attitude is often praised in others. Seems to get the balance right most of the time. Guess it works for both of them.
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Refit. I agree but today there seemed to be more to it than just being out of position. He choked.
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Finally caught up on the AB Ireland semi.
Ball sacks looking ominous. Tactically great and skillz everywhere, just a couple of points:
Read was really good. And their wing production lines is so unfair, remember a couple of years ago when reiko ioane was the new best thing? Cant even get a game now.
Semi with England should be a cracking game
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I hope so chimpie.
Cruel hope.
They’re a much better team though so it would take something special .
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