OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
“Semi with England should be a cracking game”
Unless you are an England fan.
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Maro’s more low-level shithousery. Head patting of the oppo and such.
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Refit. No team doesn’t do that.
Not saying I like it but it’s a pointless criticism these days..
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Pfft. England stuffed Ireland up their holes not long back. And just stuffed Australia. 50:50 chance
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Tiling update.
Fecking tile delivery didn’t arrive. Only managed to get the heating and levelling compound in. Putting toilet in will be DELAYED.
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We also lost games to Ireland, wales, NZ and lost one and drew one to Scotland with largely this team playing this way. Nothing much has changed. We have had Australia’s number for a while and they are going backwards. We’re no closer to NZ than Ireland or Wales and not as close as SA.
Nobody is particularly close.
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Ok. To be fair England are underdogs. Still a decent chance I’d say.
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Bojo loses another vote. Not quite sure what’s going on really
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ENZOM: “Kiwi side looks weak”. Just sayin’.
Ringrose lucky not to be asked to leave the field with that potential neck-breaker early doors – lucky Nige didn’t fancy a 15 V 14 match-up.
But that is just cavilling, I was expecting a much closer game than unfolded. Sorry for all the Irish fans here. Not convinced Todd was offside for the penalty try – he was clearly behind the goal-line which is all he needed to be onside, but that’s all academic given the score difference. Sorry to say I’m such a 1-eyed synt that I hooted with laughter when Henshaw knocked-on in the in-goal.
Gonna be hard for the ABs to win the cup. Beating Ireland, England & then SA in 3 consecutive matches is a big ask; as would be Ire, Eng and Wales should that come about. Much depends on injuries, cards and of course the result against England.
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ElSuavo, the ABs are a cut above, they started out this year’s internationals as a good side, but vulnerable against the very best the world had to offer. They have grown week by week, month by month to where they are now – I don’t think today was the best All Blacks display we will see this year.
End of
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@Ticht, you’re right. I suspect there was a degree of experimentation and ‘tinkering’ (development?) that allowed other teams to close the gap in terms of ranking points and defeat to Aus and the draw with SA made them look vulnerable.
With the timing and access issues I haven’t seen England but they are travelling well and have a hardened edge to them. Next week will be, how shall we say, “interesting”.
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Ach fuck this relentless naming shit. I logged in for the 1st post there and didn’t think I needed to bother for the last 1 as my details were already established.
Bollocks to it!
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@ElSuavo
It’s probable that OvallyBalls is still under the radar, and Thaum will be able to edit it for soon enough.
I promise that I will do my best not to disclose the real names of my imaginary friends.
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England still look most likely winners. The AB-Ireland scoreline blew out because unforced errors by Ireland stopped them putting on any scoreboard pressure. As one of the Irish writers said, once NZ go three scores ahead it gives them license to (a) turn on the razzle-dazzle, and (b) cheat like fuck; both of these become low risk activities, so the margin widens further.
The better team won, but the margin is a bit inflated. If Wales get through to the SF I guess the ABs get Nige again, which will help. But I think the England pack will be too strong and they have the backs to really exploit that now.
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If Wales get through, it’d be Poite or one of the other French Referee Impreasionists. Or Gardner. Good luck.
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Ooh, Foxy broken.
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ElSuavo – fixed your name.
Now come on Wales!
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Have to say I think that Owen Watkin looks like his natural successor, hope he’s ready.
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Boom King, your underdogging won’t cut much ice here. I think it would be fair to say that England have a chance, but you guys are massive favourites.
On behalf of Welsh granny, C’mon Wales.
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@Thaum – sent you an email.
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Cheika out!
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Good luck Welsh posters and Flair! Did I just see HBH with a daffodil head thing?
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So. Which France etc etc?
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Good morning.
What kind of news is that? I was joking when I said ‘bury my heart at Foxy’s knee’. Time to see whether Watkin is more than a one-trick ball-strip merchant. F.E.A.R.
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France even look more disorganised coming out the dressing room. Wales by 35.
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Lol at the Wallaby jerseys in the stands.
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Japanese kid signing the Welsh national anthem!
What a good lad.
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*ahem, singing.
Signing in Welsh would be rather spectacular for a young Japanese lad.
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Wee tear in my eye for my late dad who loved the Arms Park and Land of my Fathers dearly.
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@Thaum that’s Jonathan Davies’s job.
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Who’s the Welsh bloke with spectacular airman’s tache?
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So, which side will Peyper shaft first?
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@Deebee – with the blond hair and wrapping? Wainwright.
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Not a good start from Wales. Not getting any momentum vs French defence. France making good ground ball in hand and via kicks
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And France score through Vaahamina after good forward play.
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Shit. Getting beaten up at the moment.
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Couldn’t be a worse start
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Goodness me.
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Wow, that was manifique.
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Good night. Disaster.
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There was a horrible tackle on Penaud in the build up there.
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Great try France. Come to play tonight. Classic French play.
Wales aren’t even 2nd best.
Very poor miss by Navidi.
Going to be a long evening for Wales
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Holy crap. That France has turned up
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Lovely try. One missed tackle and over.
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Just remember Wales – 7 out of the last 8 won.
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Get in Aaron, mun
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Well that was too easy for Wales. Game on!
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Panic over. Normal service resumed
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Aaron, you grand grand boy.
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Nitty-gritty play-off rugby is great. 3 tries in 13 minutes.
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