OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
That a gorgeous stadium. Love the gaps at the ends.
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Excusez moi, lads and lassies, but I really hope les bloos do the biz here and all the way now
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Game on
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Turned into more of a shitfight now, which suits us a lot more.
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Jake Ball having a strong game so far.
Wales’ breakdown work.on their own ball is very loose.
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Am totally neutral but can’t see a French victory at all.
Great start
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Am not neutral. Can only see a French victory.
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France winning every high ball
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That was beautiful play by Penaud.
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“That a gorgeous stadium. Love the gaps at the ends.”
Is this the one where they keep the grass outside and wheel it in for rugby and football, the plastic pitch underneath being use for baseball?
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Top skillz by Watkin
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Also, thank fuck for our flankers.
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They wont have the discipline or fitness. They’d need to be 20 up at half time to stand a chance
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There are times when you do need a winger on the wing.
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Oh, Navidi off. That’s a blow.
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Oh, that’s not good. Navidi has been brilliant this year.
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Big loss.
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Noooo. Not Navidi.
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Wales are off their game. Kicks aren’t great and the timing of the runners isn’t right. Breakdown not going well either
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Moriarty will be off for that
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Ooh. Good kick, George.
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Lucky boy
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I’ll settle for yellow there
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At least it’s not red.
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French kicking game.is killing us
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That is plain stupid from Moriarty, he had every opportunity to go low
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Good try France!
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Lovely French try again
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Very nice, good lines
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Another cracking game!
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Silly boy. That gives france a chance. They need a couple of scores in these 10 mins
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Jesus, they didn’t use those two weeks off to go on the piss.
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Everything going France’s way.
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Scottish deflection for France.
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Oof.
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Not getting a bounce at the moment. We’ve got to try and guts it out until half time.
And I don’t know how France didn’t score there.
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Great defence from Wales, not sure how they didn’t get the pen for holding on.
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Wow, quite the comment from Quade there
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Pretty glad they elected for the kick at goal here
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Peyper with an incredible obstruction miss
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Quite a long knock on advantage there
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Ken with a Seb moment. I think he knew the advantage was in play.
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I can see France losing this over the half time Gitanes
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Wales did well not to concede any points
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10-19 is fine, in the circumstances. We’ve been second best in every single area and France should be 20 clear. It’ll need a huge turnaround but we’re still in with a sniff, somehow.
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Yeah France have been a first half team thus tourney
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Think France will rue the five points they have missed from the tee by the end of the game. Wales will turn the screw second half.
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Well that was not entirely unexpected. France came to play, Wales just hanging on. Outmuscled and out competed
Hopefully a different 2nd half that will leave France rueing N’tamacks misses
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Well, that was unexpected! Some good rugby.
Wales are a second-half side, though, so I expect them to win this still.
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When does Cheika’s contract actually end though?
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