OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Kerevi, Vakatawa, Radradra, Tuisova
Had enough of Fijian 3/4s carving up Wales
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Our only hope is if the French are listening to Daniel O’Donnell at half time.
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As often France ” look” better. And as often Wales will grind the win. Most French forwards just walk to the next ruck. With a couple more dynamic forwards ( Macalou springs to mind but he told Brunel to fuck off during the 6N in Scotland) France would lead by three scores. Ifs and buts…
Entertaining thus far.
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“When does Cheika’s contract actually end though?”
He said he’d go if they didn’t win the world cup.
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Really uphill battle now. I don’t see France folding, and mentally Wales need an early boost otherwise the feeling is going to grow that it is not their day – losing Foxy and Navidi and generally looking blunt in possession. We seem incapable of creating tries – a perennial problem.
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The keeping the ball in play kicking isn’t working too well. Need to stop that.
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Especially when we’re down to 14.
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That 3rd French try is really really good.
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Iks, find a way to get the back three into the game.
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@Iks
I agree. Just not happening for Wales. France playing very well, and Wales clinging on through gritty defence.
Need a big swing in possession.
Don’t see France flaking this time
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@Craigs: Best. Gravatar. Ever.
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And this is a game France know can get away from them. Impossible to fuck this one up.
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Tomp – he says he won’t seek renewal. I assume that means he’s still contracted no?
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Peyper can’t see Dupont.
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Good decision by France but not good execution.
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Nothing going Wales’ way.
Not going to be our day
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There are many things Peyper can’t see, normally in the ruck.
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Should be red
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That should be red
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Red?
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Seb Vah – moron of the highest order.
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French idiot about to be sent off for an elbow.
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Not good shape by the French at that maul.
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Vaha going for that. Was obvious in real time.
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Yup. Fuck off out of it. Dirty bastard.
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And that is a clear red for Big Seb.
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That’s torn it
That could be the game
Idiot
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Why do they keep selecting him? Total liability
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And France do something incredibly stupid from a winning position.
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Good enough for the thick twat.
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Why would you do that?
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Peyper is a bit crap in only penalising one team for collapsing the maul, though
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Utterly dumb by vahaamahina. What an idiot
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@tomp
I demand a recount
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I don’t know what’s more striking – the nastiness or the stupidity?
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Big Seb was listening to Fighting Songs at the oranges.
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Why dont Welsh forwards clean past the ball?
Making it so hard for the 9
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Bad Gareth, good counter-ruck.
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Take the points.
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France killing Wales at the breakdown. Mr Peyper letting a lot go, but you have to adapt to the ref.
Wales, as yet, are not
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Players like Francis and Wyn Jones are fucking passengers in matches like this.
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FFS, if he isn’t going to give “not releasing” then get in and clean them off it
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Utana if the line through the ruck runs from 9 o’clock to three, Peyper is letting Wales come in at half past five
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Definite momentum shift since that act of twattery
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Fucking Peyper. Indicates a pen, Wales ease off, then decides against it. SMH
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Twice when mauling France have missed a massive gap on the blindside.
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@ticht
Thats the way he refs. Anything goes, so the team that adapts thrives. That team has been France
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Dab – haha, cheers.
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je suis Arthur Emyr
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Medard is kicking very intelligently. Old school fullback play
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