OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Thank fuck, new props
LikeLiked by 1 person
They’re playing in the right place.
LikeLike
Ball off. Been Wales best today imho
LikeLike
Man in a Pontypool shirt going for a piss at the top of the stadium.
LikeLike
Wales blew that.
LikeLike
That was so good by Huget. Vital.
LikeLike
Big play from Huget, huge in fact
LikeLike
We are so bad at rugby. Relying on individual bits and pieces. Gatland has to bring Patchell on. There’s zero football in this team
LikeLiked by 1 person
Give it early George. 3 on 1
LikeLike
Fuck.
LikeLike
Good by Huget, though.
LikeLike
“We are so bad at rugby. Relying on individual bits and pieces. Gatland has to bring Patchell on. There’s zero football in this team”
I can’t see what Parkes brings in football terms
LikeLike
Williams did not touch that!
LikeLike
Should be a penalty if there’s a knock-on.
LikeLike
@Utna – Medard also shoved Williams in the back. The refereeing is so bad.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Some of Biggar’s tackling is as bad as Farrell’s.
LikeLike
Gatland has got his sub calls wrong. Biggar and Owens shouldn’t still be on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A rampaging vakatawa is quite a sight
LikeLike
Arse
LikeLike
Damn
LikeLike
Lucky, lucky, lucky
Oh, no, TMO
LikeLike
Fluke. What a fucking charmed life we’re leading.
If this is given…
LikeLike
What a scrum.
Fuck knows how many offences after.
LikeLike
Forward from T Williams imho
Try given. Nail biting time
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oof, not sure about that
The commentators are bollocks
LikeLike
Told you Wales, 7 of 8, to become 8 of 9.
LikeLike
Looked forward to me.
LikeLike
Obviously forward. But whatever.
LikeLike
Lucky for Wales
LikeLike
All over. Discipline did for them
LikeLike
Drop goal to win it for France.
LikeLike
I did say the France would rule those missed kicks!
LikeLike
Peyper has bo clue, what side benefits from lots of resets here?
LikeLike
France should be having a word with the SRU’s lawyers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Vahaamahina deserves a punch in the gonads from Each of his team mates
Wales stayed in there tenaciously and looks like they’ll get their reward, but France really have done themselves
LikeLike
Told you Wales would win.
LikeLike
Well done Wales. Never in doubt!!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Lesser team won but that happens, congrats to Wales
LikeLike
That was completely undeserved
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dear me. France, what have you done?
LikeLike
That feels like a terrible injustice. TMO just wrong. Horrible.
Congrats to Welsh fans though.
LikeLike
Bloody hell. Unlucky France. Better side for most of that.
Wales are a gutsy team. How the hell did they stay in and eventually scrape that?
Hopefully JD2 and Navidi ok for SF
LikeLike
NAILED ON!!!!
LikeLike
Good luck to Wales, not overwhelmed by the occasion.
Unfortunately, as in Paris last March, Vahaa was one of the best Welsh players.
Call it karma for 2011 but the best team won.
LikeLike
I thought that was forward too BTW.
LikeLike
based on the last few games there seems little point to me in having a TMO as their decisions are just as variable/right/wrong as the ref on his own.
Perhaps two TMOs are required then there is always a majority vote?
LikeLike
Not sure how scared Japan will be though.
LikeLike
Second best everywhere and I barely feel like celebrating. Gatland’s stubbornness was almost his downfall after we were given a lifeline. We’ve picked up some walking wounded and if we play the Boks next week we will get absolutely fucking smoked.
We’re not close to a top 4 rugby nation but we’re in a RWC semi so I’ll take it.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Odd decision, ball did look to go forward, but was always behind Williams was what Peyper was saying. Perhaps what he really meant was” Rather play Wales in the semis.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
@utna
I think Navidi is done. If my lip reading skillz are up to par I’m sure he said that he pulled something.
LikeLike