OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Chimpie’s version sucks baws.
Just because Chimpie doesn’t ferment his foodstuffs in his garage until they explode doesn’t necessarily mean his cheese on bread recipe suck baws.
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“Have I missed it in the last thread? If so I’ll go back…”
It’s been going on for months that feel like years. You’d need AoD really, but you don’t.
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I think the Pro’s rants about Ireland are largely just a way of changing the subject from the flaming cheese on toast. Well not so flaming to be fair and not the ones about Ireland as they go further back. Maybe the ones about Scotland.
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Japanese rugby has come a long way. Just 2 days away from their first RWC quarter final and 36 years away from getting the shit kicked out of them in the westest of Wales.
https://www.westerntelegraph.co.uk/sport/17976177.fraser-watson-rewinds-back-pembrokeshire-beating-japan/
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@Yos – I’m surprised they got to double figures against Michael Holding.
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Would Brian Willams be the one from that Neath side?
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We’ve gone and cocked up selection again at the crucial time.
Mako to mess up the scrum. made worse with lawes at lock, Ford dropped.
What’s going on? We’ve both harmed our set piece and reduced our creativity in the backs?
What’s the plan then?
DOOMED!
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One and the same. Quite of a few of those played/went on to play for first class teams, mainly the Turks.
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The rest of that front row all farmers, maybe even all from Pembrokeshire (seems impossible)?
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Kevin Phillips and John Davies. Both from Crymych or thereabouts. I used to have – still might somewhere – a signed polaroid of Phillips wearing his Welsh kit in the garden. His wife worked on the same ward as my mamgu in the hospital in Haverfordwest.
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CMW, the Red Kite is what a kid would draw if asked to draw a bird of prey, and if they had superior drafmanship skills, it’s the perfect shape for what it does, with a magnificent heid.
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Dova, Eddie has been a Sleeper all this time
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These days I do enjoy watching them fly over the crickt field at Harewood House near Leeds when we play there. Red kites that is, not Neath front-rowers. Still think they should be back in Aberystwyth or scavenging Tregaron dump though.
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@Yos – And yet they seemed so….well….Neath.
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@Yos – Was thinking about that Neath side the other day when you said you wanted Australia to be done for the rugby equivalent of ball-tampering.
“Bag-snatching capital of the world” wasn’t it?
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There you are, Neath steal:
Neath…Neath…Neath…etc.
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Dab – chimpie only toasts his bread on one side before applying cheese for the melt stage. He relies on magic dust to keep both side toasted. If you do that you are wrong too.
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Please, for the love of rugby, no more cheesy Chimpie cheese bread jokes…
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The Simpsons Stop GIF from Thesimpsons GIFshttps://tenor.com/embed.js
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Hmmm…
That didn’t work as expected/hoped.
Stop, stop! He’s already dead!
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None of the people dissing chimpie’s cheese-bread have addressed the central point – the need to avoid having a crust that is once-toasted in the toaster, then fully and excessively blackened under the grill.
And since the subject is now closed, all that remains is to declare Chimpie’s Rightness.
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Thaum – that photo and caption are the Karl of Karls!
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ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL RUGBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
*’cept maybe a cheeky little doze after lunch.
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“chimpie only toasts his bread on one side before applying cheese for the melt stage. He relies on magic dust to keep both side toasted. If you do that you are wrong too.”
Is that what it is? We do it that way sometimes. As BK says, avoids burnt corners. For me it’s not as tasty as the other way but my son likes it that way.
Apologies, Chmpie. I hadn’t realised that this was what the OB Salafists of the Kitchen were complaining about.
Next time call it an Open Toasted Sandwich or something and the fundamentalists won’t get upset.
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The Welfare Ground of blessed memory. Newbridge v Japan and Paul Turner at outside half. Not as strong as Pembrokeshire, obvs, but a good game:
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I too would like to move on, but not like this, not in a state of confusion. I thought the deal with Chimpie’s roasted cheese, as we call it in Scotland, was that he put cheese on a slice of completely untoasted bread and put that under the grill, relying on reflected heat from the grill pan to crisp up the underside.
We need answers before we can lay this to rest.
I always toast one side, then put cheese on the untoasted area and place the cheese side up back under the grill.
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David Parry-Jones, I remember that name.
That’s a proper rugby ground, TomP, none of this grandstands for tens of thousands or plastic pitches stuff
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No one toasts both sides of a pizza before applying cheese for the melt stage
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A toasted sandwich maker only toasts the outside of the bread
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Who in their right mind would toast both sides of the bread and then toast it again with cheese on top?
Madness, it dries it out to fuck
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Both sides toasted with unmelted cheese is fine, nothing wrong there
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This is going to bother me now, I had avoided the subject until this morning.
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It’s the village I lived in as a nipper, ticht, My dad played for the United team there so was down there lots of Saturdays. Turner was a fantastically skillful player and, especially, kicker. He coaches now in England at Ampthill, who are in the Second Level of English rugby.
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“Who in their right mind would toast both sides of the bread and then toast it again with cheese on top?”
You butter one side of the toast.
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“You butter one side of the toast.”
My then girlfriend made it that way for me once, very early in our relationship.
It was touch and go but she did later become my wife.
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Wales: 15-Liam Williams, 14-George North, 13-Jonathan Davies, 12-Hadleigh Parkes, 11-Josh Adams, 10-Dan Biggar, 9-Gareth Davies, 8-Josh Navidi, 7-Justin Tipuric, 6- Aaron Wainwright, 5-Alun Wyn Jones, 4-Jake Ball, 3-Tomas Francis, 2-Ken Owens, 1-Wyn Jones. Replacements: 16-Elliot Dee, 17-Rhys Carre, 18-Dillon Lewis, 19-Aaron Shingler, 20-Ross Moriarty, 21-Tomos Williams, 22-Rhys Patchell, 23-Owen Watkin.
Cant be too many arguments with that
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Japan: 15-Ryohei Yamanaka, 14-Kotaro Matsushima, 13-Timothy Lafaele, 12-Ryoto Nakamura, 11-Kenki Fukuoka, 10-Yu Tamura, 9-Yutaka Nagare, 8-Kazuki Himeno, 7-Pieter Labuschagne, 6-Michael Leitch (captain), 5-James Moore, 4-Luke Thompson, 3-Jiwon Koo, 2-Shota Horie, 1-Keita Inagaki. Replacements: 16-Atsushi Sakate, 17-Isileli Nakajima, 18-Asaeli Ai Valu, 19-Wimpie van der Walt, 20-Amanaki Lelei Mafi, 21-Fumiaki Tanaka 22-Rikiya Matsuda, 23-Lomano Lava Lemeki.
Tupou out is a blow, but Yamanaka is a good replacement. Bonus to have Koo back after going off injured vs Scotland
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“Turner was a fantastically skillful player and, especially, kicker. He coaches now in England at Ampthill, who are in the Second Level of English rugby.”
And is perhaps better known as a Newport player…
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Poached by Newport on the promise of international caps. Probably.
He’s a Newbridge boy. I’d guess top points scorer in the club’s history.
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I have to say, I am currently undergoing a serious reasessment of life at the moment.Is Boris Johnson going to pull off Brexit? Are Slade and Tuilagi the best centre pairing ? Has Chimpie been right all along ? I think that Ticht is indeed right, the matter needs laying to rest. One way would be to officially rename Chimpie’s cheese on toast as Scottish Roasted Cheese on Browned Bread, but I would like to conduct some definitive scientific research. Is there a preferred bread and a preferred cheese? Are condiments allowed ? Perhaps OT could suggest some correct research protocols.
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I’m glad to see Carré and Beard on the pine. Has the French team been confirmed?
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Paul Turner was a great player. Newbridge then ‘Port iirc. Proper old school outside half
A bit unfortunate he was behind Jiffy for several years. No idea why he didnt get more caps after Jiffy went north
Was great as player-coach at Sale as well in the early years of pro rugby
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Turner is still the best two footed kicker I have seen. The Andreas Brehme of Welsh rugby.
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“No idea why he didnt get more caps after Jiffy went north”
Would have detracted from discussions of the decline of Gwent rugby on Rugby Special Wales.
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Think Turner might be both clubs’ record points corer.
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Cheesus!! What is wrong with you people?
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Good grief………..toast!
The main disaster of French hospital food was packets of biscotte for breakfast, to dunk in coffee.
When you tear open the packet there is an explosion of dry crumbs into and over the bed.
Not good!
This physics must have some bearing on the ideal cheese on toast preparation for eating in bed.
Answers please……………
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“Bonus to have Koo back ”
A Man Called Koo? Should be a film or three about him.
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wasn’t Paul Turner famous for his long range points kicking with the old leather ball?
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The really long range kicker of the time was Paul Thorburn.
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