OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
“Call it karma for 2011 but the best team won.”
Not sure Wales were the better team Flair, France looked better at the breakdown, better tactical kicking, better with ball in hand. Set piece looked about even.
One turnover decided the outcome
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Oh and one moment of utter stupidity
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That was An astonishingly dumb second half from France. Played Wales, you lucky lot.
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Wonder if he’ll get three weeks?
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All the same, well done Wales. Well played France too, Vahaminas last test surely.
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I don’t know how to do a screen shot but I have paused the tv on a replay of the scrum Wales scored from, as the French scrum half feeds the ball the Welsh scrum half is standing to his right
Peyper is to the right of the Welsh scrum half
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Vahaa’s stupidity certainly did not help and the second Wales try maybe shouldnt ‘ve stood but France did not take their chances. They should’ve been away at HT, and missed too many kicks. Plus they lost the most important scrum of the game.
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How do i upload a photo?
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France v Wales (Feb), Argentina, Tonga and Wales (World Cup): First half – 72-20. Second half – 12-66
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Well, that was properly squeaky-bum.
Ticht – you have to upload it to a photo-sharing site like imgur, then paste the link here.
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“I don’t know how to do a screen shot but I have paused the tv on a replay of the scrum Wales scored from, as the French scrum half feeds the ball the Welsh scrum half is standing to his right”
Once it’s in it epends on where the ball is if he’s offside or not. But he should be on his side of the tunnel before the ball goes in.
Peyper also missed one earlier on a Welsh defending scrum when Dupont came to the other side of the scrum and was in front of the back feet.
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Oh, France…
Congratulations to Wales, but oh, France.
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“It was a do-or-die game today. And the best Samurai were always the guys who had a plan but could adapt, had a calm head but were full of aggression, and I thought we were like that today.
The challenge is how we get better, because there is always a better Samurai around the corner.”
I will miss Eddie when he leaves England.
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Sorry about that Flair.
Agree with Yos about our shortcomings. It’s weird how the commentators are underlining how we still haven’t played well as if there is a magical step up just waiting to click. There isn’t, this is our level and we are scraping by on it.
It horrifies me to think what would happen if that performance had been put in against either of yesterday’s winners.
Still, well done to the players who worked hard and got us home pretty luckily today.
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Even if the try hadn’t been given, the momentum was with Wales at that point and France would have had to defend another scrum, which wasn’t going well for them. So the result would probably have been the same.
On the strength of that performance, I don’t see Wales beating either SA or Japan though
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I’ll await Squidge’s ‘how did Wales beat France’ vid.
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Hrmm, just tried the imgur app but I didn’t like the access it was demanding
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TomP, the Welsh scrum half is stand between the his opposite number and Peyper as the ball is fed, he has a hand on both of their backs. At no point is he on the legitimate side of the ball
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To get a long unbeaten run, a Slam and a RWC semi, with this group of players, is an enormous overachievement. We are a supremely limited team but you’d want these fuckers on your side if you were trying to make your way home to Coney Island.
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Test
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@Iks & Yosoy
I agree with all of that. Massive credit to coaches and players for always just hanging in there and defending so resolutely.
Getting wins we really have no right to get by luck, yes, but also by massive balls
When alls said and done, Wales created next to nothing in attack. The 2 tries were off forced errors.
Even the usually reliable aerial game didn’t work.
Incredible that they managed again to scrape a win
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“Even if the try hadn’t been given, the momentum was with Wales at that point and France would have had to defend another scrum, which wasn’t going well for them. So the result would probably have been the same.”
France were about to score a breakaway try from their own line so the result would have been totally different
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Yeah, watched it again. It’s the sort of thing you don’t expect a ref to whistle when you’re playing scrum half. If he doesn’t say anything, it’s basically play on. I don’t much like it but you know.
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@Ticht,
Have you got a Dropbox account? If you have, then save the image into your Dropbox, then right click on it and choose ‘Copy Dropbox link’.
That’s what I’ve just tested in the post above. I have editor privileges, so it might not work for you, but worth trying.
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Ticht, can you lend your support to England next week?
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I might try it in the future DCI, thanks.
This particular horse is deid, I think
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As I said, its just Mr Peyper. Never favours either side, but any game he refs is chaos sprinkled with arbtrary decisions and blatant non-decisions. Total lottery
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Don’t be sorry, MrIks.
Intelligence is a necessity at the top level in sport.
Vaha had a very good game until he had the red mist. But then being stupid is not and should not be allowed. Wales may have been less brilliant but they were less stupid.
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I missed the res card changing a nappy.
What did he do?
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“Yeah, watched it again. It’s the sort of thing you don’t expect a ref to whistle when you’re playing scrum half. If he doesn’t say anything, it’s basically play on. I don’t much like it but you know.”
I thought we had tmos pouring over game changing decisions
I’m going to leave this now
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My feed showing replays of 2015 inbetween today’s QF games.
How good was Dan Carter? Absolutely magnificent
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@ Dov
Grabbed Wainright around the throat in a French attacking maul. In itself a pen and possible yellow.
He then went back and elbowed Wainwright in the jaw. Utter stupidity and dead-set red
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Dova, first he tried to strangle Wainwright at a maul, then when that didn’t work, he lifted his arm back and gave him a good hefty elbow right in the jaw.
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ALso, scrum would have been a penalty to Wales, no ?
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video here:-
https://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/rugby-world-cup/rwc-2019-japan/116733450/wales-v-france-french-lock-sbastien-vahaamahina-sent-off-for-elbow-to-head
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Or wot SBT posted.
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Still don’t understand why they pick him. Walking clusterfuck, much like Lavanini.
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“How good was Dan Carter? Absolutely magnificent”
I saw Carter play for the Crusaders against the Bulls in 2015. He was very ordinary and I said so on AoD. He took my criticism on board.
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I’ll stoically accept I’m the only person backing the Boks today.
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Great atmosphere for the next game.
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Deebs – my boss is a saffa. Don’t forget, all the other saffas.
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Me too, bru. Got your back.
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Heh. Kolbe between Franz and Louw.
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He’s between Willie and Am, refit. That was Herschel.
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Mrs Pienaar’s got a migraine coming on.
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Missed a clear knock-on and Japan playing the ball into touch already.
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Shocking by Tamura.
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