OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Going to be a long day for Japan.
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Super finish by Mapimpi. That’s why he’s the boy.
Top scrum by South Africa.
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Old-school Number 10 tackling by the Japanese 10.
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@Tomp – true, my bad. Still comical.
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Was surprised SA dropped Marx. Not now – this Bok hooker hits like a freight train
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Japan know they have to get the ball wide quick but the SA defence is making it very tough for them. The kick has to be perfect and hasn’t been so far.
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Fukuoka just didn’t get the bounce there. If it sat up, it could have been interesting. Good tactics from Lafaele to turn the rush defence
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Marx is a good player, but likes the flash and his basics can let him down. Typical product of Joburg.
Bongi’s a solid player, gets the basics right and doesn’t get flustered. As befits someone who spent a long time in Pretoria.
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Mtawirra in trouble here
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That’s a red all day
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Yellow probably the correct call there, for me
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First ever yellow card for one of the SA front rowers in Test rugby.
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Lucky. Lucky Beast.
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Why isn’t that red?? That was just like Warbs in 2011.
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Landed on his arm so fair call. Silly, though.
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Not red because the shoulder hit the ground first, I think.
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Red. Barnes was too quick.
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It’s worse than Warbs, I cant believe that call. Didn’t even consult TMO.
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Spidercam’s quite good for seeing how things are developing away from the ruck,
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I don’t think it’s worse than Warbs, but I’d have preferred a review.
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Having watched it again, I was wrong. Think it should have been red as he drove him down. Pure luck he landed on shoulder/elbow
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I missed that due to Stornoway black pudding issues
What did Beast do?
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Understand why Barnes doesn’t want to slow a game down, but that needed a TMO review.
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Tip tackle. Japan player landing on shoulder.
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Thanks Thaum for granting me the ability to fix my own fuck-ups. I’ll only use the power for that .
Maybe.
😀
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Checked the rule. Could easily have been red.
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ElS – you also have responsibility for the dingy now.
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That’s a good old fashioned burning. Kolbe smoked.
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It takes something to make Kolbe look a bit leaden footed
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Barnes very fast on the whisle there.
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How are they holding on to the ball when the Boks are smashing them in the tackle? Amazing defence, but great skillz from Japan
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Lafalele is a ball player. It’s like me on a Tuesday lunchtime.
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Lovely stuff from the Brave Blossoms.
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Absolutely brilliant running from Fukuoka. He’s gorgeous to watch.
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No Wayne, the turnover is NOT good if he has his knee on the floor when he grabs at the ball
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It’s a totally different experience watching Japan against someone else
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Reckon it’s going to be an ABs v Japan final.
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Don’t think Japan will win this but they’re a joy to watch.
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Japan really stepping up a gear.
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This is very good by Japan.
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“He’s gorgeous to watch.”
Ears….
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Need some points in the board after this spell. Could be the difference between last week and this.
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Heroic stuff.
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Marvellous.
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Big scrum from Japan!
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Ferocious tackling by SA again. Driving the Japanese ball carriers back, but they still recycle the ball
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Shirley that was carried back into the 22 by Japan? What is Wayne doing?
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@DAB
Once there is a ruck inside the 22, then the carried back doesn’t count until the ball comes outside again
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So glad France lost to Wales. They’ll be the one who get humiiated by Japan in the SF.
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Am is a very good defender, making some fine reads at the moment.
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