OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
De Allende drops it in contact but I’d like to see more of that than box kicks
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Some of the Japanese passes are very ‘flat’.
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Top, top, top atmosphere. It needs to be mentioned a million times.
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At least 3 forward passes not called so far.
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@Refit
Was just thinking that. They’re in danger of getting a score knocked off on review with those passes.
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Am did well to regather that, other wise there was a risk of another card.
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Am didn’t need to sling that ball away.
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Japan 9 is so so good for their game.
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Mapimpi’s defence is holding up very well at present.
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Japan need a try to underline this DOMINANCE of territory & possession.
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Another unnecessary offload from SA, Kolisi this time.
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Forward passes? Barnes?
You don’t say.
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He may have knocked on there, but Willie is reading the cross kick very well. Tamura needs to shape the cross-kick and then hook one back midfield for the centre to chase
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Very good defence by Kolisi and then Malherbe dives on the ball like it’s the last pie in Pick’N’Pay.
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Oh dear, Am didn’t need to attempt the SBW out of the back of the hand. A simple regular pass off the hip would have put Mapimpi away
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Terrible from Am!
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Am? More like Um.
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Martyn Williams, in commentary, just referred to the ball as “the pill”. For shame!
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Big miss by Willie.
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Japan have to keep the ball in field not sure they can compete v SA’s line out.
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Don’t know that he was held there. Always a grey area, that
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Goodness me. Like last but without the points. Game swinging to the Boks.
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last week….
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Not held by the tackler. He should still have put it down and picked it up to be sure.
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It’s a very interesting game to watch. Enjoying it a lot.
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3 tries blown by the Boks. Could’ve been out of sight, but Japan well in it. Boks did seem to be getting a bit more momentum in the last ten minutes but really needed to kill things off.
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SA letting Blossoms punch themselves out. Think final result will be comfortable for SA as long as they keep their heads when they have the ball.
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Rassie must be the most handsome coach in the RWC. Dapper and well-groomed.
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“Rassie must be the most handsome coach in the RWC. Dapper and well-groomed.”
I don’t get mistaken for him often. Ever, more accurately. Not handsome, lacking accuracy. Sums up the Boks so far.
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Galthie’s sexier.
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@Tomp
True, but you wouldn’t take him home to meet your parents.
Anyway, I meant head coach
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Matsushima lucky to get away with that
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Hmmmm. Not sure about that. Should be a yellow?
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What about Cheika? Brooding is sexy too.
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That should be a card. Both going for the ball or not.
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Barnes has been a bit too quick on some challenges in the air. And the yellow.
I’m sure it’ll mark highly in DBWR reviews, mind.
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Aye, but I like the danger, uts. Rassie’d give your parents a powerpoint on why he should go out with you.
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Card all day. Evens it up a little.
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Japan need ball. SA into full strangulation mode.
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Blown another one! FFS!
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Nakajima needs to have his usual barnstorming subs turn.
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Refs chat:
Bryce Lawrence: I’ve got a lovely beachside apartment in Sydney.
Jaco Peyper: Pah. Nothing beats Mumbles.
Craig Joubert: Just the one, lads?
Wayne Barnes: Australia and NZ are ok but France and Japan are where it’s at.
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Punishing SA defence is taking its toll on Japan. They now look a bit laboured and indecisive when they do win ruck ball
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PS du Toit’s really upped his accuracy in defence this half.
Japan have to look and find Malherbe in the line.
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Japan’s heavy runners have gone missing, leaving it to the twinkle-toers who are getting lined up. They need some drive through the guts to keep the defence honest.
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Books being particularly cuddly today
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Just no room to move in for Japan
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Pity smoldering Rob Howley had to go home.
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And probably why the Welsh attack is so blunt. *Ahem*.
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Bok defence has been clever actually. Flying up in the wide channels means Japan either have to cut back into the heavy traffic or risk 50-50 passes or kicks.
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