OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Faf is a magnificently chippy twat. I’m a big fan.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That isn’t a high tackle
LikeLike
Snyman for Etzebeth? That’ll make it a little easier for Japan. *ahem*
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Bok defence has been clever actually. Flying up in the wide channels means Japan either have to cut back into the heavy traffic or risk 50-50 passes or kicks.”
If you get through, you’ll come up against an attack that’ll confound you.
LikeLike
Red for the claw and yellow for the flip.
LikeLike
Game over, man
LikeLike
Boks go full nasty.
LikeLike
That settled it. What a maul.
LikeLike
If we get through we won’t be facing an attack of this quality.
LikeLike
Greatest Most Bokkest try ever.
LikeLike
What a great try. Brutal mauling. Japan have done well to hang in there, but SA just too strong and organised
LikeLike
@Deebee
We might surprise you and pick Amos.
LikeLiked by 4 people
My fucking signals gine!
LikeLike
And gone!
LikeLike
Pretty patterns can be easy to defend. You wait until you meet the clueless and kick method.
LikeLike
Beautiful weight on the pass from Pollard.
LikeLike
Fantastic try for South Africa!
LikeLike
What a pass from Pollard at full speed. Great try SA.
All over now.
LikeLike
Nice from the Bokker
LikeLike
Very good score by Mapimpi. He’s had a fine match apart from the taking out in the air.
Kolisi very tough again in the tackle to set it up and then a great read by Pollard.
LikeLike
Attack is for losers
Wales will just defend and intercept and strip you to death
LikeLike
Wales vs boks is going to be line speed and pill roost- tastic
LikeLiked by 2 people
Note to next weeks ref_
Sa going off their feet and sealing off EVERY breakdown.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Luckily I love rampaging monster movies.
LikeLike
Can see the semi finals ending up something like:
NZ 43 – ENG 38
Wales 6 – SA 9
LikeLiked by 9 people
“NZ 43 – ENG 38”
No way is Farrell kicking 11 penalties and then missing a conversion of an intercept try,
LikeLiked by 4 people
Boo!
LikeLike
Some interesting scores in English Rugby’s Midlands Premier Division yesterday:
Burton 27 – 56 Broadstreet
Doncaster Phoenix 31 -31 Bridgnorth
Nuneaton 16 – 14 Sandbach
Kettering 3 – 47 Bournville
Newport (Salop) 13 – 27 Sheffield
Paviors 98 (!) – 7 Peterborough Lions
Bromsgrove 240 – 0 South Leicester
LikeLike
240 points? Is that even possible?
LikeLike
They’re having a rough season. Money got pulled, all the players left and are now struggling on with ladz who are playing at far too high a level. 7 matches this season have been 7-119, 16-74, 7-127, 11-124, 0-120, 0-240. Fair play to them for turning up but it’s still tough.
Worse was a Under 15 D game in South Africa a couple of years back: Grey College Under 15 D 221 Glenwood Under 15 D 0. That was in a 25-minute each way game. 35 tries, kicker only made 18 conversions.
LikeLike
That was a horrilbe kick by Jackson. A good 15m away from the posts.
LikeLike
Good try by Cowan. Jackson having trouble finding the barn, let alone hitting the side of it.
LikeLike
Watched the AB / Ireland game last night. I hope Schmidt’s and Best’s legacies aren’t tarnished by that one result. If you’d have asked Irish fans at the beginning of Schmidt’s tenure would they settle for 3 6Ns, 2 victories over the ABs and a #1 world ranking, I suspect most would have taken that with open arms.
LikeLiked by 4 people
240 points!
They must have run back ever kick off and scored from it
LikeLike
Seems a bit gratuitous to me.
LikeLike
Test
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thought I’d just say how well Farrell played yesterday – when he is like that he is a heartbreaker for the opposition and a great motivator for his forwards
LikeLiked by 2 people
Big win for LIR, against Wasps.
LikeLike
The Paddy Jackson effect…………………..
LikeLike
Seems the rugby world is back on its axis with the ABs, Boks heading towards a final showdown unless a hugely resourced and muscular English team being the best NH hope of interfering with it.
Plucky little Wales representing the best of the rest mainly because France still haven’t managed to get free from the madness that trips them up over and over again.
Also seems that France, New Zealand and England didn’t unduly suffer from having an extra weekend off at the end of the pool stages. Quite the opposite looking at the performances this weekend.
LikeLike
Got smacked 55 Euros for duck-feeding. A disadvantage of living abroad is that I don’t have the words in German for a proper Angry from Tunbridge Wells letter.
Seems there are photos of me in my Stasi file too. I’ve asked to see them. Already planning my undercover actions when the clocks go back. Might buy a balaclava…
LikeLiked by 7 people
That’s stupid iks .
Jeez, talk about wrong priorities.
LikeLike
“We might surprise you and pick Amos.”
Not half the surprise waiting for Hallam if that happens.
I mentioned beforehand about the strength in depth ‘myth’ looking just like that if Gats sent out Foxy on one Karloff leg. I’m hoping, probably blindly, that JD2 saw for himself that it was an unnecessary gamble and better not to go shit or bust in the QF and target full fitness for a semi.
LikeLike
OutlawIks. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.
LikeLiked by 4 people
I will take it on but laws are laws, and being ignorant of them is a wobbly excuse here. Seems the town is in a strop about the numbers of Egyptian geese dominating the domestic fowl on the river, or generally bothering the folks who like to picnic on the riverbank because of the amount of shit they deposit there. There are 2 of these geese on the duck pond and I don’t feed them because they are aggressive towards the ducks.
Typing this here makes it sound like I should get over myself, but the experience of helping that one duckling and its mother survive and grow that started all this a couple of years ago touched me quite deeply. There’s also this thing I have about not seeing birds or animals as things but rather intelligent creatures that can actually bring something worthwhile to sad old gits like me, or children who can see and feel and learn something from them.
That went on a bit longer than planned, but thanks Dova.
LikeLiked by 6 people
Arf. Ain’t that the truth, Avs.
LikeLike
A bit more about the Bromsgrove-South Leicester game:
https://www.leicestermercury.co.uk/sport/rugby/rugby-news/south-leicester-rfc-suffer-record-3447736
LikeLike
Modest as always:
2019 Rugby World Cup: Patrick McKendry – Victory against England and the Webb Ellis trophy is as good as the All Blacks’
https://www.nzherald.co.nz/rugby/news/article.cfm?c_id=80&objectid=12278128
LikeLiked by 3 people
“Our boys, to be fair to them, didn’t take their foot off the gas all game and it’s testament to what we’re trying to acheive.”
Hmmm. And indeed pffft.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s been a hard day coming to terms with Wales’ magnificence this morning.
LikeLiked by 1 person