OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
@TomP – I found 20 NZ dollars in a draw the other day that must have been knocking around since 2007. Still not going to subscribe for those 8 weeks though.
LikeLike
I am however drinking a bottle of Butcombe Haka. I think the naming is supposed to be more complimentary than it sounds.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dai from Ystradgynlais offered champagne at 10.15 this morning. There were no takers.
LikeLike
Earlier on he made sure his son ate the last croissant just in case allowing it to survive might give the French a chance. Just as well he did as it turned out.
LikeLike
I was prepared to let it live in favour of a bacon sandwich so can’t really say I did my bit.
LikeLike
So credit where credit’s due:
Wainwright
Ball
Vahaamahina
Dai’s lad
LikeLike
Glad to see you didn’t burn out reentering Earth’s orbit after our stellar show this morning CMW.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My all-time team of favourites is mostly (well, almost exclusively) Welsh and French. The obvious Sella, Blanco, Magne, Benazzi, that sort of thing. Vahaamahina has been making a very strong case for inclusion this year.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s a bloke called Malin on the Graun who’s done player ratings that include praise for Wainwright’s interception try and Parkes’ kicking game…
LikeLike
@Iks – Good to see you’ve survived yourself after the exploits of the Dragons’ back rowers.
LikeLike
That nil-nil draw at Bournemouth was of course a good result for Norwich City.
LikeLike
<
Alright, Cheika. That’s what you get for trying to play footy in your own 22.
LikeLiked by 1 person
@Yos – Cheika, Iks, Boris Johnson. Peas in a pod.
LikeLike
CMW – inability to Google?
LikeLike
Too far CMW.
Too far..
LikeLike
Jaybus. McEndry. What a twat.
LikeLike
@Craigs – my efforts to google Jaybus McEndry are certainly getting me nowhere.
LikeLiked by 2 people
“@Craigs – my efforts to google Jaybus McEndry are certainly getting me nowhere.”
Keep trying CMW.
LikeLike
With Cheika leaving the Wallabies job the rumours are building that it will be Dave Rennie who will replace him, following Scott Johnson who was instrumental in bringing him to Glasgow
LikeLike
Morning all! My thoughts on yesterday’s matches:
Wales got out of jail there with the red card and really had to work hard to get past France. Kudos that they did eventually and nilled France in the 2nd half. They looked pretty limited though and will need to step up a couple of notches against the Boks if they’re to make history. What’s the news on Navidi? Would be a big blow if he’s out for the semi. That said, Wales have bragging rights over the Boks at the moment and they won’t be bullied at the set piece like Japan were. I would like to see the Boks keep ball in hand more against Wales who have good, accurate box kickers and aerial bomb merchants who will sorely test le Roux at 15: he’s not good under the high ball (none of our back 3 are especially good, with Kolbe probably the pick). Mapimpi’s improved defence will have to step up again against hte hulk of George North.
Boks did what they had to do. Japan have beaten both Ireland and Scotland at the WC by playing at a million miles an hour and spreading the ball wide phase after phase to breach defences. The Bok defence flew up quickly in midfield preventing that and forcing Japan to either kick speculatively to the wings or look for gaps on the inside where the big boys were waiting for them, and then getting thumped back in the tackle. We suffocated their attack superbly. If we’d had that kind of accuracy on attack, it could have been over before oranges.
We’ll need to see what the citing commissioner says about Beast – looked red at the time, but first contact with the shoulder/arm may save him. It would be a big blow if both our 1st choice props are out for the semi (Nyakane was surely knocking on the door before getting injured). Mapimpi is really growing in his role and his defence has improved out of sight – kudos to him for that, he now looks the part completely. Willie le Roux is the weak link for me and I’d be tempted to shift Kolbe to the back and S’bu Nkosi onto the right wing, but unlikely that Rassie will tamper with his starting XV at this stage.
The Bok forwards are in good shape (assuming everyone makes it through to this weekend) so I’d like to see them work on a bit more ball retention and inventiveness behind the scrum – the 1st try showed great awareness by Faf to give Mapimpi a crack at the Japanese 10 on the blind side, De Allende carried very well (and may feel slightly aggrieved at being pinged for crawling, when it didn’t really look like he was being held) and Am won’t be throwing hail Mary passes again, I don’t think, so pretty solid there. Will it be enough? Yes. Just.
LikeLiked by 2 people
@avsfan
” If you’d have asked Irish fans at the beginning of Schmidt’s tenure would they settle for 3 6Ns, 2 victories over the ABs and a #1 world ranking, I suspect most would have taken that with open arms”
This one would …. there’s a lot of revisionism – eg that we ought to have made the semi-final, that we peaked too early, you name it….. but 3 6N and a GS in a 5 year span are really beyond our wildest dreams.
I’m sure younger fans with no recollection of Simon Geoghegan being the only bright spark in a disorganised team whose personnel chopped and changed from match to match will think otherwise. I think that – notwithstanding the implosion on Saturday – we’ve been organised, committed, consistent. Those are things we can build on.
LikeLike
This is an odd one :
LikeLike
On the IRE vs NZ match itself – I tend to be one-eyed in that I see my own team;s performance and don’t really try to “see” the opposition – but boy we were poor. Simple stuff not executed properly…. it looked at times like we were trying to run moves we’d not practised enough, so the timing was off. Far too static at the breakdown – ball carriers standing still when taking the ball and hoping to get over the gain line.
i think we ran foul of the old “class is permanent, form is temporary” thing….
Henshaw was rushed back and looked off the pace – might have gotten away with it vs Tier 2 opposition.
Kearney….? Larmour looked a better bet when he came on – though I realise that Larmour’s gift is that he offers bench cover at 15 and wing. So there’s a tendency (I think) not to see him as a starter.
Murray’s been off form for months – I think he only played in the 6N because both Marmion and McGrath were injured and the next choice was Cooney – who had 1 or 2 caps. That then fed into the situation that the reserve 9 (whoever he turned out to be) had very little time as a starter.
Carberry was injured and Carty a late bolter – that left Sexton with no real rival. Ross Byrne might offered an alternative – not as ‘exotic’ as Carberry but would have been fit and used to playing with bulk of the pack/backs.
Wings – Stockdale has looked off pace this year too. Earls was ok defensively but maybe reaching end of the road.
Forwards – as I said – far too static – no-one running onto the ball. NZ broke the line at every carry
Did look – to an extent – that Schmidt’s announcement of his departure took something away ….whatever psychological effect that had…..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good morning everyone. I have to go to a solicitor today for a will reading (my father in law’s). To distract myself, I’ve been thinking about England’s best team to face NZ. I think I’d revert to Ford-Faz-Manu in midfield, on the basis that they are our best attacking combo and you have to just keep attacking NZ to have any hope of beating them. The other question is whether you go for Kruis or Lawes at lock? I don’t know what I’d do there.
LikeLike
Postscript
Funny thing is ….it’s almost exactly the same problem we hit vs ARG in 2015. Then a bunch of first choice starters injured/banned and we looked light – though then it was a defensive melt down really. This time – despite the attempt to widen the panel – first choice starters out of form seemed to upset everything.
…..probably win 6N now – 3 home games and France in Paris – so ought to be looking to win those :) (and if England win RWC they can expect to get beat by us too like 2004….. )
LikeLike
Dab- I don’t mind Kruis or Lawes. I would drop Mako entirely, start with Marler with Genge on the bench.Backs? Eddie won’t change again, I suspect.I think with Manu at 12 and a Slade or Joseph at 13 the ball seems to get to the outside more. Would almost be happy to see Daly out for Nowell as well. He looks really out of sorts, altho he was pretty solid against Argentina. He still doesn’t get his positioning right in defence, and rarley gets a chance to come forward with the ball in hand.
LikeLike
Trisk, shame not to use Lamour and Conway, both good. Stockdale having a hard time after his initial breakthru.
Sexton really looked ordinary, as did Murray. POM had a good game, but the other two starting back rows didn’t show up.
LikeLike
LikeLike
@SBT I thought Mako was pretty good – made a lot of tackles and didn’t let down the scrum, where all sorts of cheating was going on all round. I’ve never been a fan of Daly at FB and that was his worst game there, but NZ tend to give penalties away in his range, so can’t imagine EJ will drop him now.
@Trisk it’s such a horrible letdown when your team flops at the world cup, isn’t it? I really feel for the Irish fans, as your team has looked really good a year or two before the last three world cups, only to experience qf anticlimax each time. But I think you’ll have had more joy from those 6N wins and the two victories over the ABs than if you had a good run in the world cup but had been rubbish outside it, à la England 2007.
LikeLike
@Craings – I think that’s probably it for Peyper in the World Cup. Idiot. Not that he’ll be eligible for the Final anyway. Cough.
LikeLike
‘it’s such a horrible letdown when your team flops at the world cup, isn’t it?’
Tell me about it.
LikeLike
EJ will play Nowell if he is fit, so………………..
Watson is looking hot at the mo – play him at 15
Slade has silky skills but he is short of pace at the mo……..start with him, Ford on the bench for 2nd half and cover for Farrell, who was triffic against Aus.
Forawrds – I don’t know………………….Marler looks absolutely solid and Genge is explosive, if green. Mako looks a bit jaded.
NZ seems a Kruis kind of game if he is on his game – half each with Lawes.
I still fancy Wilson over Ludlum as back row cover, sooooooooooo:
Watson, Nowell, Slade, Tuilagi, May
Farrell, Youngs
Marler, George, Sinkler
Kruis, Itoje
Curry, Underhill, Vunipola
bench: Vunipola/Genge, C-Dickie, Cole, Lawes, Wilson, Heinz, Ford, Joseph
LikeLike
Englanders – which ABs would you have in the XV?
LikeLike
Retallick and Savea? B. Barrett?
LikeLike
“i think we ran foul of the old “class is permanent, form is temporary” thing….”
Trisk, I think this is one of the biggest mistakes in selection, POM has been looking tired this year, he can be a single handed gme changer, but not a while.
The other side of the coin, of course if Keiran Read, he’s been looking out of sorts and he was outstanding at the weekend.
It’s a toughy.
We fell foul of this too, ScottCummings, Jamie Rtichie, Mangnus Bradbury and Blair Kinghorn at the very least should have been starters for us going in to the tournament, it’s no good finding out against Ireland that this was too much of an ask for the old guard.
A big cse could be made for George Horn over Laidlaw, too.
LikeLike
Bk – we’ve got decent locks and wings. I like our fly half’s too. If I had to choose one position I’d probably take Aaron Smuth.
LikeLike
it’s interesting. Look at, for example unzud, there are some old warhorses in there but others have been unceremoniously dumped for youngsters.
Eddie J has done something similar with England, going for some new yoof in certain positions.
Both are looking good.
Ireland didn’t really go for much of a squad refresh (and neither did Scotland).
LikeLike
Chimpie, after the first game, Japan v Russia, I thought we’d get out of the group, but the home side improved exponentially as they went on.
At no point did I think we would beat New Zealand or South Africa in a world cup quarter final, so we were one step short of what I thought we’d achieve – very frustrating because I think a lot of the problems and in the players’ heads, we have Kiwis comeing over to play in Scotland and scarsely believing the lack of mental prep out guys get, we’re 20 years behind in that respect.
LikeLike
I do miss the edit fundtion, I must say
LikeLike
“Bk – we’ve got decent locks and wings. I like our fly half’s too. If I had to choose one position I’d probably take Aaron Smuth.”
I thihnk that is the one position where England re shorthanded, you could do with taking TJ too
LikeLike
@BK – England front row, AB 2nd row, Savea, Billy V and Cane (just) back row; ABBBY at 9, so Aaron Smith, Faz at 10, probably Kiwi centres as a pairing, BB at FB, with a toss up on the wings – both sides have excellent wings.
LikeLike
Craigs – exactly. If you had to take five ABs, you’d refuse. Maybe A Smith and someone to be captain.
LikeLike
BK – it’s a tricky question
FRont Row – England
Second Row – really hard call – NZ on balance
Back Row – really want to support Curry/Underhill………………Reid at 8 and captain?
9 – NZ
10 – Mo’unga looks really good but I have to back Farrell
Centres – Tuilagi (more important if no Billy V.), + a New Zealander
Wings – May and Nowell /Watson
FB – Barrett
LikeLike
NZ seem to have it in most key positions:
LikeLike
I think the England pack suits their game just as the ABs suits theirs. The Kiwis are conditioned differently – who was the last Vunipola-like ABs backrower?
You could argue Kaino was a heavy traffic carrier, but he was very athletic, before him?
LikeLike
Navidi out:
Probably Scott Williams as extra centre cover.
LikeLike
Bk – I think we’re in good shape but I was trying to refine the answer to something that wasn’t most of your team.
I’d take the Abs players for the expectation too if that makes sense. Not to call them arrogant but a something like 80% win rate is a massive psychological advantage.
LikeLike
@yosoy
That’s a massive blow. Is Ellis Jenkins fixed? Would bring him straight on to the bench if he is
Faletau still broken😞
LikeLike
If Gats is thinking of calling in a centre, then probably JD2 is unlikely to make it for the SF.
AWJ excepted, JD2 is Wales’ most important player.
Not going to be good if he isn’t fit
LikeLike
At least there’s NH representation in the semis this year, albeit no-one new.
Struggling to see past an AB/bok final, but anything can happen with a semi (karl)
LikeLike