OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Not until December at the earliest, sadly.
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Got a slight feeling Wales could pull it off again
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Karl
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@utna
Gatz has just said that Foxy was “touch and go” for yesterday, o hopefully he’ll be available for the weekend.
Parkes is also being held together with tape, so it makes sense to get another centre out there. Or we could play Amos at 13.
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Amos at 13, tra la la la lah!
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I do wonder if Mr. Glue has come unstuck. Can Scott Williams play inside centre, or more to the point has he played there with Foxy at 13 for Wales?
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Scott Williams and Foxy have been playing 12 & 13 together since they were kids playing for Whitland’s age group teams.
I’ve also just been told that Willis Halaholo qualifies for Wales tomorrow… (highly unlikely as he’s never been part of Camp Gatland)
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Peyper posing for that photo, if not fake, is a bit daft. But after a few beers, and the tension of the game, it does not warrant more than a YC. Entry point: suspended for 2 games, but good record, remorseful behaviour at the hearing, he’s not this type of ref…etc.. reduced to one game. The SF.
So, if SA does not beat Wales, he’ll be free to ref the final.
No qualms from me.
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Just realised that French Top 14 have played 8 rounds already!
Lyon top (with Bastaraud still at 8)
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I’d love to watch Basta at 8. Shame that Top 14 isn’t on UK tv this year.
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Yos, Utnap – what does Navidi being out mean for the balance of the Welsh back row?
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@Flair, that’s a much more mature response than Peyper’s actions! How did he think it wouldn’t make it onto social media? Anyway, he’ll be free to ref the 3rd place play-off.
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Deebee, even read somewhere that the photographer told them he worked for a French newspaper. Peyper probably had a few too many. No need to hang him dry. He’s a good ref and it’s a tough job.
Agree about the 3rd place play off. Don’t see Wales worrying SA much.
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“Yos, Utnap – what does Navidi being out mean for the balance of the Welsh back row?”
*Pouts*
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@Deebee
Moriarty isn’t as good over the ball as Navidi, so slowing down Bok ball will be a bit more of an issue. They’re both good defenders if not the most agile, but that should be okay with the evil men in dark green sending monsters to run at us. Moriarty does, though, increase the chances of us getting a yellow/red by about 9 million per cent.
It’s not much of a downgrade overall. I hope.
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I’ve used about 60 odd words too many there to essentially say:
Cardiff legend>Dragz player
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Moriarty gives more powerful ball carrying and general aggression. May be of benefit vs Etzebeth, Vermeulen and co
Navidi gets round the field better, makes more tackles, is better in the ruck and a better link player.
Balance? I dont know. Both Wainright and Tipuric are top players and can adapt to whoever plays 8
(our best 8 by far is at home convalescing)
Bad news is we now have no no.8 cover on the bench and our flank cover is J Davies or Shingler. Both have qualities (very different ones) but neither I would like to see enter the fray in a tough RWC SF
Add to that, Navidi has been in top form, Moriarty has not. Davies and Shingler certainly not. Big loss for Wales
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@Iks/Yosoy
I have never been a massive fan of Parkes, but he has grown on me this season for his defensive work if nothing else.
He is clearly hampered by injury and, if he is not right, I would go with Watkin 12 and JD 13. No place for a centre on the bench
If JD2 is not good, then stick with Watkin 13 and Parkes 12. In this scenario, Wales are in trouble
If both Parkes and JD2 are not fully fit, then Wales are gone. Scott Williams or Owen Lane wont make a difference.
Whats Jamie Roberts up to nowadays?
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*Pouts*
Sorry Iks, but Yos and Utnap were already at the breakdown, so to speak.
Very comprehensive responses from both – thanks guys. So Navidi being out is similar to no-one in the Bok camp being out is what I’m hearing. Maybe Marcel Coetzee if he had made it that far. My nerves are already shattered for the weekend. I may have to resort to alcohol. Oh, hang on.
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In summary, Wales need a performance for the ages from AWJ, Tipuric, G Davies, Biggar and Liam Williams to stand a chance.
Unleash the knees of doom!
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@Deebee
You should never resort to alcohol. It should be your plan A and your plan B. If both fail, then resort to a different kind of alcohol as plan C
Usually plan C will involve shots of weird tasting liquors like zambucca or retsina or maybe paint-stripping cloudy cider
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Or that weird sweet blue stuff.
Or flavoured schnapps
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Utnap, booze is Plan A to Z. Alpha and Omega. Occasionally with the assistance of something more herbal, although these days I find that stuff just makes me dozy. Tequila is the shot of choice for most of my mates, even though you should only drink it to test your sobriety: as soon as it tastes gooooooooood, you’re pissed. But by then you don’t care either. Win-win.
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Or fermented coconut water
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Never went for tequila, always found it a bit rough. Mind you, I probably never had access to a decent one, so I am probably the equivalent of “judging whisky by drinking Jonny Walker”
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Sambucca you can keep – overdid that shit and all the other colourful shooters for too many years as a student.
Interestingly, autocorrect wanted sambucca changed to Ambuscade, which is apparently “a trap in which concealed persons lie in wait to attack by surprise” according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Very much like cheap Congolese ‘gin’ in that case.
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This cheap Congolese gin of which you speak fascinates me. I would like to receive your newsletter
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Can’t find the gin that they serve in Kinshasa, but what I didn’t know is that the best quinine in the world is apparently from the eastern Congo.
https://fever-tree.com/en_GB/article/gin-and-tonic-history
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Kwilu Rum, on the other hand, is not for the faint hearted. Named after the sugar plantation outside Kinshasa that produces it. There’s also a bar in Kin (or used to be – not sure if it’s still there) called Kwilu Bar that used to be stuffed with expats all out-expatting each other. Served dangerous cocktails.
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‘The creation of mini-brains or brain “organoids” has become one of the hottest fields in modern neuroscience. The blobs of tissue are made from stem cells and, while they are only the size of a pea, some have developed spontaneous brain waves, similar to those seen in premature babies.’
OMG. Growing brains in jars.
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Chimpie – more importantly, think about all those lost souls!!!!
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is that a bloodborne reference?
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@Deebee, I had a great opinion to share but the breakdown wonderkidz beat me to it, just as you predicted.
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Like an ambush in an arcade?
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Loitering within tent?
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His ghost can be seen going well in the English Prem.
Shame Scott Williams has had so many injuries as he’s a fine player and still only 29.
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We need all time performances from pretty much everyone and for Wainwright to reprise winning an early mental battle with BIG Duane.
So that, a couple of Scottish bounces, an Etzebeth elbow, Pollard having an off day with the boot, Kolbe losing the odd foot race to Francis and we could be golden.
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Am twisting an ankle early will help as well. Plus, du Toit being shephered as well as the All Blacks shepherded him. There’ll be a lot of kicks on le Roux and Mapimpi.
They look strong but if we have a first half like we did against Australia then who knows.
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Anyhoo the back-row balance is affected without Navidi in terms of how Wales play, especially defensively (the only way we play anyway).
Leaving the technicalities to my fellow countrymen, I see Navidi as a chunky slab that balances Tipuric’s more lithe, poaching presence at the breakdown. A bit like how Lydiate counter-balanced Warbs or Tips. Navidi is a better ball-player than Lyds was, so can cover 8 and offer more in attack.
Shingler is like Tips Lite, so playing both of them makes no sense to me at all. Davies is a closer like-for-like Navidi replacement, but I get the impression the step up to international quality hasn’t been easy for him.
And then there’s rugby brains. My guess is Navidi has some, Tips loads, Wainwright enough and is a quick learner. But we’ve lost loads of rugby intelligence without Warbs and Faletau. Moriarty, Davies and Shingler can’t bridge that gap.
Feel depressed now. Was that your nefarious plan, Deebee?
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@tomp
We had a great first 20 v them last autumn. That’s the kind of start we need again. This isn’t one we can nil the opposition in the second half, realistically.
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‘OMG. Growing brains in jars.’
Where to begin…
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Vahaamahina has quit international rugby, apparently a decision he’d made and shared with Brunel before this tournament.
And Owen Lane is on the plane.
Strewth!
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I hope someone is providing counselling and extra TLC to Amos.
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Think Gats has given up. That’s just a weird call-up for me. Does Lane have family in Japan?
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Maybe I’ve been trolled about Lane on the Plane.
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Justice 4 Lane. He should have gone in the first place.
Although I am surprised that Dai from Pentyrch didn’t get the call as he can cover anywhere from 6 to 15.
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MrIks, if you feel so depressed about the coming SF, I have a solution for you.
Wales have an epiphany and give up, acknowledging, as Warren did, that the best team lost. As Vahaa has hung up his boots, you lend us Alun Wyn Jones and …err… well that should do.
France can then be steamrolled by SA and you’re spared the shame.
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If anything could induce me to go to Perth (the lesser Australian version), this might do it…..
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/oct/20/highway-to-hell-all-four-lanes-of-major-perth-highway-to-be-close-for-festival-of-acdc-covers
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Also nice to see one of the old favourites still going strong (and if anyone doesn’t have a favourite Squeeze song, it’s time you did)…
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/oct/20/squeeze-review-sage-gateshead-british-pop-gold-that-wont-slow-down
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yos,
That was a game that featured some offloading from us. I think they’re better up front now and their defensive system is more settled in. We need to find Malherbe and run near here at some point. If we can get quick ball, we can do some things but they generally compete hard at rucks. Their attack isn’t too impressive, side to side or de Allende on the bosh, but Erasmus is a smart coach and they’ve got some likely ladz. Am not sure why they haven’t tried Kolbe in midfield sometimes, maybe saving that for the final.
We desperately need Foxy in and able. Also, Gareth Davies to get the ball away quicker than he was able or willing to at the weekend.
Tough struggle but that’s probably how it should be in a semi-final.
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