OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
These are the teams from that game last year:
Wales: 15-L Williams, 14-North, 13-J Davies, 12-Parkes, 11-Adams, 10-Anscombe, 9-G Davies; 1-Smith, 2-Owens, 3-Francis, 4-Beard, 5-Jones (captain), 6-Jenkins, 7-Tipuric, 8-Moriarty
Replacements: 16-Dee, 17-Evans, 18-Lewis, 19-Hill, 20-Wainwright, 21-T Williams, 22-Biggar, 23-Watkin.
South Africa: 15-Le Roux, 14-Nkosi, 13-Kriel, 12-De Allende, 11-Dyantyi, 10-Pollard, 9-Papier; 1-Kitshoff, 2-Marx, 3-Malherbe, 4-Snyman, 5-Mostert, 6-Kolisi (captain), 7-PS Du Toit, 8-Vermeulen.
Replacements: 16-Mbonambi, 17-T Du Toit, 18-Koch, 19-Etzebeth, 20-Louw, 21-Van Zyl, 22-Jantjies, 23-Kolbe
Papier was all right from memory but de Klerk’s a better international. Herschel Jantjies is far better than Van Zyl. They’ll probably go 6-2 on the bench again, which is just brutal.
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It’s Christmas Day 1938. Time to open the presents and cards. Ooh, a lovely mangle. You shouldn’t have Aunt Betty. A pullover. Just what I needed. Cheers, Auntie Sadie. A packet of Capstan Full Strength. Why, Uncle Bert, I’m only 9. What’s that, Mummy? A Christmas Card from the Conservative Party? Let’s have a butcher’s. Oh my.
http://blogs.bodleian.ox.ac.uk/archivesandmanuscripts/tag/histday18/ (3rd item)
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It’s quite strange to remember that Ellis only started because Lydiate pulled out very late in the day.
The teams aren’t too dissimilar to last year but those who won’t feature for Wales are a big loss.
Didn’t Kolbe start last year wearing 23?
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Yos, some chat that Lane covers o/c. Any thoughts?
Could also mean that jd2 will be ok with Amos out?
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We didn’t generate much in the way of quick ball yesterday. We were given a good seeing to at the breakdown.
Makes me cry seeing the likes of Wyn Jones’ ‘abilities’ in that area after having been spoilt with watching Gethin for years.
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@BRB
Lane hasn’t played any rugby at 13 in the pro ranks – he might end up there one day but I can’t see it being this week. I’m hearing that Amos isn’t fit for at least a week, so it’s pretty clear that North is the reserve 13 in the event of Foxy not making it.
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Just started watching. Kolbe does Foxy unbelievably in the first minute. Then Adams, Foxy and Hadleigh soon after.
Game is here:
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Then Adams, Foxy and Hadleigh soon after.
Not Hadleigh. But the massively over-rated Ellis Jenkins. Hadeigh nails him.
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Woebegone. Obviously I’m going to have to support Wales next weekend, but frankly I don’t fancy their chances.
BB – I’ll be very boring and say that Tempted is my favourite Squeeze song. Must admit I don’t know many of theirs, but it’s a very good song.
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Gilson Lavis is my favourite member of Squeeze
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Ellis Jenkins’s dummy to Marx is magic. Even better a year later. Tom Francis’s finish better than Sinkler’s and all.
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https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/54f4815de2816de58982cc8c24a0508fb8d2d837/206_372_3610_2166/master/3610.jpg?width=620&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=ccf095f984900182eb8cabd8eb345c36
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@OT – is he the one from Oldham, or do you just like the name?
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This is my favourite Squeeze song – always has been (and they’ve produced a few good ‘uns!). The story of a relationship in about 3 minutes.
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Squeeze wrote perfectly-crafted pop songs, and both the songs discussed are examples. I prefer Tempted because I think the lyrics and musical transitions are a bit more clever (obviously that is just a matter of taste) … and also because it’s in a good range for me to sing along to!
There’s a Detroiter who had a similar gift for catchy choons you may not have heard of:
(Squeeze are better imo.)
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Tomp – That’s a nice old picture of Ginsters there.
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Thaum – right on both counts. Catchy toon, and Squeeze are better. When I saw the name, I did recognise it, but for the life of me I can’t remember any songs of his that I might have heard and none of the ones listed on the cover rang any bells. Might have to investigate him a bit.
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Another Japan related song (well the video is) left over from last week:
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Now, where did I leave my axe?
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Bit worried about my sister in Chile. I had blithely assumed that the riots were only occurring in Santiago, but it turns out I was wrong about that. Her city is pretty much on lock-down, with police & army firing into protesters; there are casualties.
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Saw the picture of the energy company’s building going up in flames the other day. John Bolton’d’ve known what to do.
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Hope your sister’s safe, natch.
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@bb
I used to watch him drum with Jools Holland on BBC2 in the 90s and always liked him. It was only when I saw Squeeze on Bands Reunited on VH1 a few years later I realised he was in Squeeze.
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Just got off the phone with my sister. She’s got in provisions for a week and is pretty much staying in situ. She’s not in the area where the protests are occurring, so hopefully she’ll be okay.
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I hope your sister is okay, Thaum, it must be very scary
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Thanks, Ticht. It’s not toooooo scary as things stand. Was more worried a few years ago when they had the massive earthquake and we couldn’t get hold of her for a few days.
But let’s just say that the government doesn’t seem to be reacting well to the protests. That’s not from her – she couldn’t say much on that front – but from what I’ve read in the Graun.
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So I can’t post photos, but I can have a go at decribing one – picture three characters as if from the Bayeux Tapestry, they have each been placed at the end of a piece of text,
It reads,
I’m too Saxon for my shirt
Too Saxon for my shirt
So Saxon it hurts
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Ticht – you can email me with the photo address & I can upload it to the site and let you have the link.
I’ll send you an email so you have my address, but I’m off to bed as soon as I’ve done that, so I’m afraid the rest will have to wait until tomorrow.
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So, I’ve killed Mergo’s Wet Nurse. The end is near.
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Thaum, the BT address doesn’t work anymore, the Virgin one does
Thanks
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Hope your sister is safe Thaum.
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Just started to watch France Wales. It looks like the Japanese boy AWJ has his arm around during the Welsh anthem is singing it also. Nice touch. Either that, or he is lip syncing.
Thaum – positive thoughts for your sister being sent. You are probably more concerned than she is, given the distance of the events. I gather she lives there? for how long?
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Thaum, hope you sister’s ok and that the problems are resolved soon.
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AVS – if you look closely the kid is crying and calling for his mom because AWJ, the total MONSTER that he is, is pinching the poor little bugger’s arm and twisting it at the same time. Most of the camera angles don’t really pick it up clearly. Cough. MONSTER. I think we can all objectively get behind the Boks this weekend after that display of horrific abuse.
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@Craigs
It is. You got the three cords? There’s three endings and all are worth seeing. Did you get the rock? Kind of advised for Old Hunters or Ludwig will destroy you.
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Cat – indeed, but I’ve consumed them already. I might have already taken a sneaky peak at all the endings so I’m fine with killing Gehrman and the Moon Presence.
And Ebrietas.
Going to have a break before the old hunters.
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And I upgraded my axe to level 10.
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Someone had to do it.
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Deebee, unfortunately, AWJ and his appalling misbehaviour is offset by the Wales back three. Not only are they probably the best back three left in the tournament ( get em the ball, Warren), but they are also by far and away the nicest. All irredeemably personable chaps. George has heroically kept playing after some horrific head injuries, Josh gave up living on the Welsh Riviera to live in Worcester, of all places, to pursue his dream, and Liam started his career whilst working as a humble scaffolder in order to pay for his own boots. Then you have lovely Leigh as back up, whose niceness is just plain off the scale.
Cheslin , Willi and Makazole aren’t bad men, per se, but then you have Du Toit? Etzebeth ? Kitshoff ? Naa mate.
Massive roided bully favourites to be taught a lesson by loveable underdogs.
Dewch Ymlaen Cymru
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@Ticht – I only have the email you’ve logged in with available to me. Is there someone who has your V address that I could get it from?
@Avs – yes, she’s been living there for about seven years now, I think. She wasn’t worried until they started shooting people. She’ll probably be fine, but she’s worried about friends who live closer to the centre.
There was a lot of pot-banging going on last night, apparently.
And thanks to everyone for your good wishes.
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Gimme a week and I’ll have completed the main bloodborne game. Then, no more talk about umbilical chords, paleblood or healing churches.
You guys will be sad about that I bet.
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No more Granny Crack Dealers, pig fisting or gank squads.
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No more conscious sex dolls, sack ninjas or Iosefkas.
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No more vacuous twat spiders, murdering wheelchair bound machine gunners and amygdala fights.
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No more Poppa G, Hunter’s Dreams or brain suckers.
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No more?
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Chimpie – maybe.
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Pfft
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‘Eddie Jones claims England were spied on in training ahead of semi-final with All Blacks’
Let the trolling begin.
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Next blog meet:
https://www.mammamiatheparty.com/gb/en/
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