OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
As a wise man once said, “You don’t complete the main Bloodborne game. The main Bloodborne game completes you.”
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Certainly changes you Tomp.
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Morning. Weekend was something.
Australia make so many mistakes, it’s incredible. England played OK which was more than enough, they didn’t really have to do anything.
Ireland poor but not sure being good would have made a difference – All Blacks better than I thought they were (and I thought they were pretty, pretty good
Wales poor and France decent but oh my… I see SV has retired from international rugby, aged 28. If you’re his teammate, what do you say to him in the changing room after the game?
Japan showed some nice touches but you can’t let the other team’s line out and maul do so much damage over the course of a match. Boks big and strong and energetic.
Think whoever wins the first semi takes the pot.
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SBT, you’re not fooling anyone. With a name like ‘Steph’ PS du Toit is cuddlier than a cuddly koala cuddling a cuddly baby koala. Steven’ roly-poly giggle machine’ Kitshoff? Great lad! Eben ‘ um’ ok, I’ll give you that one.
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Craigs, Thaum will take six tickets. And go thrice.
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The Boks have won just 1 from 10 with Garces on the whistle.
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Wales for the final. FACTUAL.
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A Wales / England final. It’ll be just like the 6N.
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Chimpie – NAILED ON!!! #FACTBOMB
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Just what we need, a ref overcompensating to set the record straighter. Boks even more NAILED ON.
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@chimpie
Adult welshmen crying as they sing Pobol y Cwm or whatever it’s called.
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Adult welshmen crying with joy as they watch their team inevitably win the rwc
FIFY
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Run out of capital letters
Iks, if there’s one thing we should never do is underestimate Wales under gats in competitive matches.
The line speed will be particularly, *ahem*, ‘fast’ [1] from both sides at the weekend.
[1] flipping miles offside
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I hear that Elon Musk just sent an internet from space or something.
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Yos – he’s been full of ideas since he didn’t inhale that joint on Joe Rogan’s podcast.
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‘ideas’
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“No more vacuous twat spiders, murdering wheelchair bound machine gunners and amygdala fights.”
But enough about the English front row………
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The Boks have won just 1 from 10 with Garces on the whistle.
It’s disGarcesful! Here’s the Boks full record with Garces on the whistle:
2013 v Australia, Cape Town – won 28-8
2013 v Scotland, Edinburgh – won 28-0
2014 v New Zealand, Wellington – lost 14-10
2014 v Italy, Padova – won 22-6
2015 v New Zealand, Johannesburg – lost 27-20
2015 v Japan, Brighton – lost 34-32
2015 v New Zealand, London – lost 20-18
2016 v Argentina, Salta – lost 26-24
2016 v New Zealand, Durban – lost 57-15
2016 v England, London – lost 37-21
2017 v New Zealand, Cape Town – lost 25-24
2017 v Wales, Cardiff – lost 24-22
2018 v Australia, Port Elizabeth – won 23-12
2019 v New Zealand, Yokohama – lost 23-13>/i>
We actually won 3 of our first 4 with the Cyclops from Pau on the go, but since then, a solitary win against lowly Australia is all we to show for his one-eyed blow.
Boks by 17.
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“But enough about the English front row”
How did you come by such information? Spying no doubt.
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Are we supporting Raelene Castle or Michael Cheika?
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Happy to remain neutral.
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Time for Scott Johnson to step in
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Chimpie, what’s the good oil on Gregor Townsend? Is his job secure? Seems like Scotland really haven’t kicked on under his tutelage.
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Imagine the glorious hair a Raelene / Cheika love child would wear.
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@Avs. He really needs a good 6N in my view – and by that I don’t mean finishing just above Italy and retaining the Calcutta Cup. We need to get our away form sorted out, so the games in Cardiff and Dublin should….
Ah.
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Hi Thaum, you have mail :-)
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So the MP who is speaking last in the debate this evening on Brexit is a Tory who campaigned to Remain and now is bending as wholeheartedly as possible for Boris. Where’s he from? Swindon. As if you had to ask.
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Deebee – indeed, and I don’t believe a word he’s said. They will try to weasel out of giving Parliament a vote on the extension.
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Hey hey, thanks Thaum
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Wahey! It worked!
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Is it Buckland or the other one? Buckland’s from Llanelli.
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Buckland, yes. And the stupid second reading has passed. Now voting on the timetabling.
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Thought he sounded Welsh. Good grief, AWJ child-abusing supporter from Swindon. Evil has no bounds.
On a more serious note, this is terrifying for the UK. Can’t believe Bojo actually got a vote going his way.
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Labour are voting for this guff?
They should have listened to Paul and did it properly then
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Aha, but MPs have rejected the superfast timetabling.
Now we find out if he was lying again.
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Tactical error, my dear Johnson. Now you can’t say that Parliament has rejected your deal.
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Boris really is a limp Johnson.
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I’d never heard of the JP Morgan International Council until today. Sure got some big hitters in there:
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Blair’s always kept dodgy company. And been dodgy company himself, of course.
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@tomp
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So, they’re having a vote to decide if they’re going to have a vote? Or are they voting to decide if they are not going to have a vote? Maybe they’ve already voted on the vote to decide if it goes forward to another vote?
Democracy in action, eh?
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Brenda’s Speech is going to be debated for the next two days. Probably Spaffer is expecting to lose this vote. A GE is likely in the offing.
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There’s a very funny scene featuring C****l**** **c* in Paul Beatty’s very funny The Sellout.
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C****l**** **c*
Choralists duck?
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Condoleezza Rice!
That took a while
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Well done, OT.
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Although it has two z’s. Tomp spelt it wrong, the illiterate slob.
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Like any right-thinking person, I despise Condoleezza Rice, but when I compare her to the luminaries in our own cabinet like, er, Liz “Cheese” Truss, or Priti “Vacant” Patel, or Gavin “Tarantula” Williamson, or ….
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@thauma
Condi has probably taken part in more disastrous wars than those simpletons you mention, to be fair.
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