OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
True, but she was in office for longer. Although it could certainly be argued that a right-winger with an actual brain is far more dangerous than one without.
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Normally I really don’t like this sort of thing, but the chorus made me smile
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Which made me think of something I really do like
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oops, I meant this
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Help!
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one more go
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What madness has possessed Ticht now?
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MrIks, I was like an upturned tortoise for a moment there, but I finally managed to flip over
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Good work, I’m saving the headphone listening until the morning because I’m beyond tired now.
‘Night all, and if any of you dream of ways Wales might win their next match then please let me know.
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@Chimpie – “Time for Scott Johnson to step in”
Like all right thinking people I now get my news from the New Zealand Herald. They tell me that:
“Cheika said “(Director of rugby) Scott (Johnson) is a lovely bloke and I get on fine with him but I’m not really into that type of thing.””
Make of that what you will. A few people will have had similar thoughts to that last bit when he first appeared loitering on the pitch in his shorts during Wales games.
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Seems to be some doubt as to whether Cheika was telling the truth there though:
Phipps told Macquarie Sports Radio: “Cheik and Scott are both loud, big, powerful men so them going at it behind closed doors, the players never really knew that was going on.”
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I have no idea what Phipps meant when he apparently went on to say:
“You could tell towards the end a lot of things were happening that weren’t as congruent or Cheik’s ways as to earlier seasons, ultimately he said that made it feel very hard.”
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CMW – sounds like a good ol fashioned man crush.
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My apologies to the OB Community for spelling Ms Rice’s name wrong.
Also my apologies to Ms Rice and the rest of the Illegal War Community for spelling her name wrong,
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Tomp appears to have received a letter in the post.
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I’m just relieved OT didn’t call me fat.
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Tom “big boned” Pirracas
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“It is going to be a battle royale. If you miss tackles, and no one wants to, it is not one of the key indicators to winning a game.”
Shaun Edwards channels Eddie but doesn’t quite get there. Bless.
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Edwards is out of a job after the WC isn’t he?
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Edwards has ben linked to France for a while now. Galthié seems interested.
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You might remember me whinging about my neighbour objecting to my planning application a few weeks ago. Cos it would impact his future plans.
Well it got approved, so fuck him and his future plans.
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That wasn’t snark BTW, it was a genuine question.
Would be happy for him to come north of the border to sort out our defence
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If I were Edwards I’d be all over the French job. He could do great things there.
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@craigs
Go and stuff the approved plans up his hole, that’ll teach him a lesson.
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Chimpie – we have group WhatsApp for ppl affected by the fire which he is on. I might just let them know that the plans were approved and thank them for their support.
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I suppose that’ll have to do in lieu of the stuffing. Nicely passive aggressive in response to passive aggression though
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I could add ‘in lieu of stuffing the plans up yer holes…’ to make it more aggressive. So it would be aggressive passive aggression.
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That would up the aggression levels nicely. Not sure whether it’s best to give them a warning or surprise them with it.
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Chimpie – I’ll probably just tell everyone else but him. Let him find out the old fashioned way.
I quite like the cowards revenge in these situations.
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I think Wales should have held onto Shaun. Their defence has been one of their best features over the years.
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Retired, but still laying down the DOMINATION
https://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=12279038
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Can he appeal or do anything to cause delays etc.? Just wondering whether keeping him in the dark for a while might be an idea.
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Iks – don’t think so. He didn’t file his objection in the time frame but I’ll check.
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Nope is the answer.
*declares ultimate rightness*
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I thought it was confirmed that Edwards was going to France? Although I’d love him to stay I think it’s worth it just to see him lay into some French players (I’m imagining Huget in Vaha’s absence) for throwing a game away
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My team for Saturday :
Marler
George
Sinck
Itoje
Kruis
Kamakaze kid 1
Billy
Kamakaze kid 2
Youngs
Faz
May
Manu
Slade
Joe cok
Watson
Lawes
Cole
Cowan d
Mako
Heinz
Ford
Jj
Daly
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Swap Jj for ludlam
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Why do the Saes hate Mako all of a sudden? He’s far and away your best loosehead.
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“Eddie Jones was the outsider with something to prove, the part-Asian kid who found life tough during his upbringing in Australia.
” Little old me against the big bad world,” seems to be the resulting theme to his life.
But he’s pushing the underdog line into la-la land when he uses it as head coach of England, the richest union in world rugby.
Saturday night’s World Cup semifinal between the All Blacks and England is a showdown between two Goliaths. One of those monsters more than lives up to reputation, while the other is among sports biggest duds.”
Chris Rattue. The Kiwis are cracking. Soon we’ll be called white orcs and everything will fall into place…
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Yos – Marler is better first up with Mako as the impact sub.
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Yos, not sure his scrummering is as good as either Marler or Genge, his effectiveness around the park is what he is really good at, and that appears to be waning.
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‘Why do the Saes hate Mako all of a sudden? He’s far and away your best loosehead’
They’re just full of hate.
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And evil
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England simply have to win on Saturday, the estate agents have booked viewings for the time of the final, if England get there the pub will be open for breakfast, there’s no guarantee it will be open if England aren’t playing
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Scottish person supporting England. End of days.
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If you hadn’t noticed I’m buzzing for the weekend. If we pull this off it will be heroic. Gonna be shite when we don’t…..
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I’ve always liked the way NZ play. But lately I’ve come to also enjoy the way England play. Come Saturday, I’ll be neutral. Which coming from a Frenchman, I guess, is the closest one can get to supporting England.
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Flair – When a Frenchman is neutral for an England match some kind of prophecy is true. Hopefully it’s not the nilling kind of prophecy.
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Is Mako really waning? Or has he just been injured a few times in a row? Sometimes the latter is part of the former, given, but I’d be trying to get him into the team any way, any how (for now).
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