OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
The only logic I can find in Owen Lane’s call up is that we are planning for the bronze play-off on a platform of jest and bantz. Pity Rob Evans isn’t on board, or Andy Powell.
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Craig, I don’t expect to be in the majority but for me style is almost everything ( in art, too).
I don’t care that much for results, the manner matters, perhaps exceedingly. I’m not saying the score board is not important as it reflects accurately most games, but it does not tell the whole story.
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I’m ok with Shaun’s departure. For good or ill the new coach has to make a fresh start, and an era is coming to an end.
I don’t think Edwards will thrive in French rugby because the players won’t bow to his aggressive style if it is delivered in an English bark. If he speaks French then that might be different. I don’t see it working, personally.
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If Mako is fit then I think his work outside the scrum might be invaluable for England. He can be a tackle machine around the breakdown fringes, but I can see that being more important in the last quarter rather than the first.
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I’m too nervous to post. Thought I’d just get it out there.
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Have a similarish problem to Ticht on World Cup Final day. My missus is doing an MA part-time and has Saturday classes. I look after the lad on my own those Saturdays and we do something usually – he watches Scooby Doo while I watch rugby for instance. For November 2nd we’ve booked tickets for a performance of a Slovak fairytale at Prague’s most hard to get tickets for children’s theatre. We have to go but it clashes with the 2nd half of the final. Do I watch the first half and then catch up later on? Or avoid it all for a later view? Should Wales get there I don’t know what to do.
However, if we do get there, I want us to be playing New Zealand rather than England. First, always more pleasing to have a tough challenge. Second, losing to England in the World Cup Final would be the worst thing ever to happen in rugby. Third, beating England in the World Cup Final would be the greatest thing ever to happen in the history of the world. I don’t think I could handle either outcome.
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Fourthly, the Saes have already lined up the guy with the Welsh accent as their scapegoat. Mako is a good lad and I wouldn’t want to see that happen to him.
If we get to the final, I want it to be New Zealand.
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@tomp
Who is ‘we’? Fail to prepare, prepare to fail etc etc.
Do you have any in-laws who need to step up and do their duty? Can you fly any of your own family members over from the UK for the morning?
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TomP, I sincerely hope the Boks help you out of your quandary.
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OT, “we” is my foolishly saying I’d be happy to take him to the theatre somewhere down the line and my missus booking the tickets. When I mentioned that was the date of the final, she rightly said, “Just how long does this World Cup thing last?”
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I think I’d also prefer a good sash-windowing or a proper miracle followed by a full Papal investigation against New Zealand in the final.
If it is against England then win or lose I think something will burst out of my body like an Alien from John Hurt – the feelings would be so unimaginable and uncontainable.
All moot though as the Boks will obviously romp home on Sunday.
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“Scottish person supporting England. End of days.”
I’d say that “support” was overstating things a little
More seriously I can see Saturday’s game being epic, same with Sunday’s being brutally epic or epically brutal.
It would be good to see North v South in the final, whichever way it pans out.
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Wayne Barnes deserves to whistle the final.
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I don’t understand you chaps. Here you are, rugby fans, and partnered with a person who does not understand the overweening importance of a RWC final. Do we not all check the rugby calendar before committing to any social events?
TomP – there’s a fab restaurant in Prague – it’s halfway up a steep hill, off on a side street, and it’s rather mediaeval-looking with suits of armour and the melted wax from hundreds of candles and all. Do you know the one I mean? Huge menu, all of it we tried delicious.
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I’d really like Nige to get the Final. Think it would be grand.
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We really need an open top bus parading the winning team and trophy around the streets of London, followed by a toe curling reception at Downing St.
It’s what the country needs. And deserves.
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TomP, I hope Nigel doesn’t have the same view as you.
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I think I walked past it yesterday, thaum. It’s on the same road as the British embassy, under the Castle. Never been in. There’s a pub called The HIppo (U Hrochu) that serves good Pilsner just down.
I was in Britain for a couple of weeks in the summer and met a bloke at my old rugby club in Bournemouth who’d been a diplomat. He was posted to Prague in the late 70s and played a few games of rugby for the Diplomatic Corps v local clubs. He told me about the electrician/driver who’d been assigned to the embassy by the Czechoslovak government. This fella had previously been a diplomat at their embassy in Havana. “So he was a spy?” I asked. “Well, he was a shit electrician, let’s put it like that,” my man said. The “electrician” spent most of his time in the local boozers, apparently, having a whale of a time with the Americans.
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That’s a bit of a journey for New Zealand to be doing that, though?
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Am haunted by a comment Haskell made after the England tour of Australia in 2016. He said the England series win brought the country together around the time of the divisive Bre*it vote.
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Trisk was saying the other day about being one-eyed in watching matches in that you don’t really notice how the other side are playing, just what your own side is doing right/wrong. I am usually like that, but in the match against the ABs, I couldn’t help but notice how wonderful they were. They are indeed a class above everyone else, and I’ll be very surprised if they don’t take home the trophy.
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On a final note, i had the opportunity to use “unequivocally” today. It’s a really lovely word to say.
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I don’t think Mako is on the wane. He’s been injured, still needs to gear up to full awesomeness and can come on when the kiwis are flagging trying to chase the game.
Joe is a better starter imo. Better scrumager* and fairly solid around the park. Mako can cope with the kiwi subs who wouldn’t get a game in the prem.
* not ‘scrummer’, never ‘scrummer’.
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OT – when England win I think we should share the love and parade around Cardiff, Embra and Belfast. Bring the country together.
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TomP – yes, it’s on the way up to the castle and also the monastery with the fabulous library.
That was a very le Carré comment; enjoyed it! ‘The Cousins…’.
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Craigs – ooh, you wind-up merchant. Not gonna …….. don’t you think you’ve historically already done enough parading around Cardiff, Embra and Belfast? …… oops I did it again.
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I too have problems with an England vs Wales final. Next week will be unbearable. And should we lose we might as well become one Welsh Republic.
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Not enough Thaum, not nearly enough.
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Maybe we should all club together to get tomp and Amazon Fire Kids so he can watch the final.
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According to BTLer MissPelling, yesterday
Oh dear. That really won’t have gone down well.
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I’m so excited. So so excited. I’ll be a crushed wreck by 0930 on Saturday.
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*glares at Craigs*
Come on New Zealand! Show your former colonial masters who’s boss now!
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Thaum, I live on the other side of the river so don’t tend to go out there. I used to teach some of the local staff at the British embassy so know the area and have been in the pub I mentioned a few times. It’s difficult to get a seat because it’s just around the corner from the lover house of the parliament.
We sometimes go to another olde style restaurant. Last time food service was slow, beer service was fast. Had a headache the next day: http://www.usadlu.cz/en/virtual-tour.php
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“The lover house of the parliament”
Czech politics sounds a lot more fun!
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“for me style is almost everything”
Flair – for me it’s a balance. I’m not sure how many Aussies bought into Cheika’s comment about playing the ‘Australian Way’ for instance.
A lot of the time you can appreciate the technical excellence (for want of a better word) and skill of a team even if they aren’t flinging the ball around. That’s why Pro was always wrong about Ireland in their recent pomp.
Also, we play in the rain half the time. Gotta grind out those wins sometimes.
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Thaum – add Wellington to the list.
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I’ll gladly add a bit of welly.
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Craigs, Jonny Two Tries called em scrummerers, thats good enough for me.
Think its just an age thing with Props, tbh. Young props make bullocking charges and nowadays handle ball really well, then get into late twenties and the body and legs change, they seem to lose that explosiveness.
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Sbt – he couldn’t even bind though. Never even looked at how to do it. So I count myself as more of an expert than him on the matter. He can do the pretty stuff instead.
I think Mako has at least another world Cup cycle in the tank.
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Props are either good scrummagers or good in the tight or have a strong set piece, karl.
I really dislike the phrase “dark arts”
All of today’s props would hammer even the best of the amateur lads of yore, to the point of it being actually dangerous to play against them, just because of physical conditioning and the fact you aren’t allowed to intimidate/punch/butt/gouge/bite your opponent now
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“you aren’t allowed to intimidate/punch/butt/gouge/bite your opponent now”
hand on heart, I never did any of that, btw
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I kind of liked it when my opponent tried it, though, I knew that he knew he’d lost
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@OT, I said it on AOD and I’ll say it again. I had my favourite walk from Victoria through Green Park to Piccadilly ruined by rozzers blocking the route so that a coach carrying the English 2003 RWC Meisters could drive up to Buck Palace for cucumber sarnies with the queen. Any goodwill left over from the final quickly evaporated waiting for that bus to pass by.
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@Thauma, all rugby dates go into the Ikses joint calendar, so the only discussions revolve around ‘will you be sober enough to meet in the evening?’ This weekend’s semis are a doddle because they coincide with MrsIks doing her sports malarkey.
Last weekend of the 2020 6N is already blocked, just in case…
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“Young props make bullocking charges and nowadays handle ball really well, then get into late twenties and the body and legs change, they seem to lose that explosiveness.”
We can all hope that Tom Francis is the exception that proves the rule.
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Hrmm, my last comment reads a lot more boastful than was intended.
Soz, it didn’t read like that in my head
Anyway, it was circumstances beyond my control that leads to me not being able to watch the final at home, I really hope the pub is open, whether England are playing or not
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I like Tom Francis. Or the Mullet Indefatigable as I like to call him.
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I’m trying to think of a favourite walk in London, MrIks, I’m not overly fond of crowds so it’s a tough one. There are places I like, and areas, I really liked Kilburn when I went there a lot and same for Portobello/Ladbroke Grove. The museums and galleries are great, if busy
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In the mood for some Mongolian mouth music metal, you say?
I have just the very thing…..
(And dinnae mess with these guys)
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I always loved wandering around central London, Ticht. The Notting Hill / Portobello Road / Ladbroke Grove was a Saturday morning favourite, probably with Cat Stevens Portobello Road in my head.
Loved the City / Embankment / Charing Cross at night after the commuters has left, maybe with the Trembling Blue Stars St Paul’s Cathedral at Night in my head.
And Sloane Square along the Kings Road then up to South Ken, but in the Eighties with something from Soft Cell, OMD, Human League etc. in my head.
I miss those and many other London strolls a lot.
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