OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
ah yes …………………..drogs, you see
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drogs?
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Yes please.
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Man, I could go for some cheese on toast right now. Pity there is no decent cheese here, just the american style plastic slices
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Any of you culinary masters and home brew specialists know how to make cheese out of milk?
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Confusion reigns.
It’s simple. You adjust the initial toasting time for the intended cheese side to avoid burnt corners.
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France: Maxime Medard; Damian Penaud, Virimi Vakatawa, Gael Fickou, Yoann Huget; Romain Ntamack, Antoine Dupont; Jefferson Poirot, Guilhem Guirado (captain) Rabah Slimani, Bernard Le Roux, Sebastien Vahaamahina, Wenceslas Lauret, Gregorie Alldritt, Charles Ollivon
Replacements: Camille Chat, Cyril Baille, Emerick Setiano, Paul Gabrillagues, Louis Picamoles, Baptiste Serin, Camille Lopez, Vincent Rattez
Looks a dangerous backline and a very tough front row. Back 5 of the scrum are probably not as good as Wales
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Paul Turner was the first player I ever saw knee the ball as a disguised chip kick.
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Underhill politely undermining the notion of Proper Sevens and Proper Sixes and all that. Kid will go far.
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‘Has Chimpie been right all along ?’
Yes. Yes he has
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Yes. Yes he has
Best argument ever for a down vote button.
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Utna – https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Cheese-at-Home
You need a press for hard cheeses.
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Someone, my bet is the Cat, will be along to say but it can’t be toast if the bread’s only toasted on one side.
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You mean the Cat may take an alternative view to everyone else?
Find that hard to believe.
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@sunbeamtim
Not sure if there is a protocol for the optimal cheese on toast as preferences are very subjective. However there is room for a classification system within certain boundaries of acceptability. So untoasted soggy toast lies outside this system but toast only on the bottom side is in. A mix of red leicester and cheddar is acceptable, as is pure cheddar, but edam can fuck the fuck off. Etc etc
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Some lovely side-stepping from both teams in that Newbridge clip.
When were you at school in Newbridge, TomP?
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Look, the BBC is quite clear:
Step 1: put the bread in the toaster
https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/8391/cheese-on-toast
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Yosoy wins the Welsh selection prediction stakes. I hope the injured players at 10, 12, 13, and 14 are all truly fit and recovered!
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Cheese on toast?
The horror.
The cheese has usually nothing to do with a dairy product and the toast is so far away from real bread it might as well be made with saw dust.
This was brought to you by : Flair, in “The art of making friends”.
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I am absolutely with Chimp and Ticht on this one. This is a hill I am prepared to die on. I know very well that most of you are not to be trusted when it comes to matters culinary – I shall never forget the great jam/cream on scone wrongness. You toast one side, put the cheese on the untoasted side, grill that, and you come away with perfect cheese on toast.
@Flair mature cheddar & Stilton >>>>>>>> any French cheese. Tough break.
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@Iksy
Beard was the easy one. Carré was a bit more guess work but Smith hasn’t shown much form, not here nor in the warm ups. I thought back when the 40odd man squad was named in May that Carré would have a good chance of featuring in the RWC as he can carry ball, and we don’t have many of them.
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Cheddar is consistently rated the best cheese in the world. French sticks are an assault on the gums.
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A pity that Raka is not in the French squad – he looked tome to be a really intimidating player and natural scorer
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Love duck cassoulet though.
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It’s all about proper ingredients, whilst roasted cheese might be difficult in France, good French butter on a fresh baguette is a heavenly experience
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I’m a brown bread guy really. Unless it’s a burger or hotdog.
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I’ve recently, ie the last few years, started eating dark German rye bread – lightly toasted with a poached egg
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today, I are mainly eating french bread……………………..
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……….which is nice
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fresh baguette & butter (in France) is one of the best things ever. I’m happy just to eat that when I’m in France
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Anyhoo. Seeing as everyone seems to need closure on this subject.
My energy efficient single-stage cheese on toast procedure is simply get some decent bread (I usually have wholemeal & none of the cheap sliced crud), put some cheddar on top and grill until cheese melted. Eat. Simples.
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Eat. Pray. Vomit.
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name of your sex tape Craigs?
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Our sex tape.
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I have lots of hopefear today. Why is it always the aussies?
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Eeek.
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We have hunners of house viewers tomorrow morning, I was tempted to call them off.
I’ll have to avoid this place until I get to see the recordings later, I say that but I can never do it, I’m always checking scores when I’m out and about
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We are panning the baguette now? So wrong.
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Depends what you mean by baguette.
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@Ticht – watch it live, let them see the home being lived in.
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The grand pain that is readily available. Amazing stuff.
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Comte is like cheddar but better and comte is not my favourite French cheese.
Stilton is great but I love mouldy socks.
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If viewers can’t cope with seeing rugby on the TV they don’t deserve the house.
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The pub around the corner is doing breakfast for the EnglOz game, I might see if I can get away with that, rather than walking around in the pissing rain with the dug and the rest of the family.
(Chances are between zero and feck all, I reckon)
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I would take everyone to the pub for breakfast of course but the barking gets annoying
(right, I’ve set it up, take a swipe at it)
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Don’t take them to bloody Barking
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Hmmmm, pub catch up with old mates looks to be in danger, pub in Crystal Palace has builders in so not open until half time. Would we still like to book a table ? NO, you fucking eejits.
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Sbt – are you around on Sunday morning? Or did you just want recommendations?
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AB assistant coach Ian Foster:
‘We always remember our losses pretty clearly’
Well it’s easier to remember cos there are so few of them. Bastards.
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