OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
@Reminded me of this, BB:
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Walks in London. If you have time then you can do a circular walk from Liverpool Street north past Shoreditch Park or Hoxton and to the canal. Turn left and go to Islington on the path.
Almost forget that you are in London. Almost.
At the tunnel leave the canal and turn left towards the main road. Cross that and then another left down St John’s Street to Smithfield Market.
Sink a few pints at the Butcher’s Hook & Cleaver and visit the place where Braveheart shouted ‘freeeeeedoooommmm’ before going back towards Liverpool Street underneath the Barbican (along Long St) or via London Wall.
Innit.
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I see that FD has written an article for the Telegraph insisting that the ABs do have dickheads and naming a few.
Kind of misses the point though. ALL teams have people who sometimes behave like dickheads. The issue is whether you tolerate and accommodate people who continually behave like dickheads within the team environment, with ‘dickhead’ specifically meaning someone who puts themselves ahead of the team.
Obviously the ABs used to have people like that which is why they had to change their culture. Perhaps England and Australia have never had people like that, so end up assuming it’s a veiled attack on their own occaisional dickheads. It’s not “holier than thou”; it’s “holier than we used to be”.
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Anyway, England by 45-29. Manu to Jonah all over Barrett.
Luke Jacobson will be sorely missed.
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Anyway, England by 45-29
That’s a very precise prediction, BK.
And that is rather large gap in the score between the sides.
NZ were all over Ireland.
Ireland had some players who didn’t play as well as we’ve seen before, but I’m not certain that another side would’ve had such a convincing result. (Reality? Who knows? Can’t measure and judge what would’ve happened, but it’s fun to debate it…)
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All Blacks: Beauden Barrett, Sevu Reece, Jack Goodhue, Anton Lienert-Brown, George Bridge, Richie Mo’unga, Aaron Smith, Kieran Read (c), Ardie Savea, Scott Barrett, Sam Whitelock, Brodie Retallick, Nepo Laulala, Codie Taylor, Joe Moody. Reserves: Dane Coles, Ofa Tuungafasi, Angus Ta’avao, Patrick Tuipulotu, Sam Cane, TJ Perenara, Sonny Bill Williams, Jordie Barrett.
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Bit of a surprise pick to have S Barrett on the flank.
Guess its to bolster the lineout and other tight quarters work
I thought Cane and Savea were working well together in the games I saw.
Still, looks a very strong team.
England may test that relatively inexperienced 3/4 line more than other sides have been able to
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Looks weak.
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NZ probably strongest where England’s two weaknesses are, imo they are a scrum half and a fullback off being a terrific side.
I’m a little surprised at S Barrett, too Utna, Underhill and Curry are great foils for Big Billy, it’s the sort of lineup (if selected) you’d think Cane would be more suited to countering. Matt Todd, the is unluckiest guy in terms of who else has been around during his time.
I’m not sure the ABs pack will crumple like the Wallabies did at times, but I’m really looking forward to that battle up front, the game has always been about front foot ball and that England pack can lay down the DOMINATION, but who counter attacks better than New Zealand?
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Gruan thinks Ford comes in with Slade dropping out, Kruis for Lawes to strengthen the lineout
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always the bridesmaid………………………..
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ABs by a score unfortunately.
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Maybe 10 even.
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nah!……….Watson to fullback; Nowell on the wing
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Just watched Squidge’s new vimeo on the way the Abs played vs ireland. Probably his best video tbh. Most inciteful anyway.
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England team to face New Zealand
15. Elliot Daly, 14. Anthony Watson, 13. Manu Tuilagi, 12. Owen Farrell (captain), 11. Jonny May, 10. George Ford, 9. Ben Youngs, 1. Mako Vunipola, 2. Jamie George, 3. Kyle Sinckler, 4. Maro Itoje, 5. Courtney Lawes, 6. Tom Curry, 7. Sam Underhill, 8. Billy Vunipola
Replacements: 16. Luke Cowan-Dickie, 17. Joe Marler, 18. Dan Cole, 19. George Kruis, 20. Mark Wilson, 21. Willi Heinz, 22. Henry Slade, 23. Jonathan Joseph
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Got to be pretty happy with that side. Best we can do.
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NZ by 20
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Mark Wilson is back.
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Think that is a better call than Ludlam, Craigs. Elsewhere, its all as expected, toss of a coin between Lawes and Kruis.
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Sbt – yeah, agree with that. Probably the strongest team we’ve had in a long long time.
Ballsacks by 50.
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There is pic on the Edinburgh website entitied “Club legends break ground on new stadium”
Andy Irvine, Alan Jacobsen and Tim Visser are there with a couple of others gathered around a spade “breaking ground”
Trouble is they are standing in a hole which looks like the diggers have been at for a few days already :-)
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gah! – no Nowell
good news – Mark Wilson
interesting news – Slade and JJ on the bench
of no import – I’m a Kruis fan…………….
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just back from physio………………my hip joint hurts, in case you are concerned to ask.
she’s a sadist, that physio!
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ps – well done to Courtney Lawes – h’es quietly got on with it!
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The PM addresses the house
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I’m pleased to see Ford back, and to have Manu in his best position. I’ve always been a fan of big Dave and so I’m pleased to see him in the starting lineup. Daly is a weak link, but bearing in mind how the ABs tend to offend around the halfway line to disrupt opponents cheaply, his big left boot might come in handy.
ABs by at least 10.
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Someone tell Iksy that Foxy is going to be okay.
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Spribgbok side. Too many Lions players:
South Africa: 15 Willie le Roux, 14 Sibusiso Nkosi, 13 Lukhanyo Am, 12 Damian de Allende, 11 Makazole Mapimpi, 10 Handré Pollard, 9 Faf de Klerk, 8 Duane Vermeulen, 7 Pieter-Steph du Toit, 6 Siya Kolisi, 5 Lood de Jager, 4 Eben Etzebeth, 3 Frans Malherbe, 2 Bongi Mbonambi, 1 Tendai Mtawarira.
Replacements: 16 Malcolm Marx, 17 Steven Kitshoff, 18 Vincent Koch, 19 RG Snyman, 20 Franco Mostert, 21 Francois Louw, 22 Herschel Jantjies, 23 Frans Steyn
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Yeah, fuck you, South Africa. I said Spribgbok. Not even willing to call you by your proper nickname.
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Who’s England’s 3rd line-out guy? Is it Curry? Looks as if NZ want to go for them there. Like they did last year at Twickenham when Retallick schooled Itoje.
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Away from all the glitz and glamour of world cup semi finals, a wee Hawick laddie makes his dayboo in a new league tomorrow
CHIEFS SIDE TO FACE BATH
15 Stuart Hogg, 14 Tom O’Flaherty 13 Ian Whitten 12 Sam Hill 11 Alex Cuthbert 10 Joe Simmonds 9 Jack Maunder
1 Ben Moon 2 Jack Yeandle (capt) 3 Harry Williams 4 Dave Dennis 5 Jonny Hill 6 Dave Ewers 7 Jacques Vermeulen 8 Sam Simmonds
16 Elvis Taione 17 Alec Hepburn 18 Marcus Street 19 Jannes Kirsten 20 Matt Kvesic 21 Stu Townsend 22 Gareth Steenson 23 Tom Hendrickson
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Game of the weekend:
Ulster:
McGrath, Andrew, O’Toole
O’Connor, @Treadz5
Rea, Coetzee, Reidy
Cooney
Burns
Ludik, Hume, Marshall, Gilroy
Addison
R: McBurney, O’Sullivan, Kane, Carter, Timoney, Shanahan, Johnston, Faddes
Legends:
Thyer, Belcher, Andrews
Turnbull, Thornton
Boyde, Big Nick, Robinson
Williams
Evans
Summerhill, Halaholo, Smith, Harries
Nipper
R: Dacey, Domachowski, Assiratti, Davies, Lewis-Hughes, Jones, Tovey, Millard
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Rennie to Aus.
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…
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……..be interesting to see how Hogg slots into Exeter’s style. Cordero was great when he played 15.
Exeter missing: Woodburn, Nowell, Slade, Devoto, LC-D, Francis, Skinner, Armand.
Vermeulen going great guns, keeping Kvesic on the bench.
Mitch Lees now starring at Brive and going well.
Harry Williams and Dave Ewers need big games.
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Enzo – Faddes dropped?
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Oh Peace! Shaddup!
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@Ticht – rotated, though I’m not sure what our best XV is and where, even if, he slots in. I very much suspect he does, but whether it’s at 13 (him vs Marshall), 14 (vs Gilroy) or 15 (Addison) will depend.
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AVs ??????
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The last line of that clip Ticht posted.
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Ha. Quite well done that.
Nervous about how many you are going to win by ?
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I won’t count my chickens until Foxy is in the Boks henhouse on Sunday.
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Ticket sales will be soaring with Hogg and Horse on stage.
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Liambility OOT.
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Williams out? That’s a blow. It’ll be the wholesome hobbit for FB then.
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Looking forward to Evil vs Eviller on Saturday. Should be a cracker.
Shouldn’t have any tiling commitments either.
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We’ll be down to Lloyd Williams on the wing again at this rate.
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Liambility OOT.
flip, flip,flip.
Suddenly, calling up a winger starts to look like divine foresight by Mystic Gats.
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MisterIks:
“……..ticket sales will be soaring……………………………..”
Exeter are usually sold out every week anyway………………………..approx 10,700
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