OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Ticht – that clip is absolutely brilliant!
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If HalfP seizes his moment, I can see him adorning ceilings of Welsh chapels like a Botticelli Angel for evermore.
C’mon Wales!
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So, looks like a GE on 12/12….
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Kolbe out. Wales by 32.
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Those nasty Boks better not lay a finger on our Leigh
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I fully suspect that the Boks have been acting cuddly to lull us into a false sense of security before unleashing 2009 Lions tour level of thuggery
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TomP, when’s the Welch lineup being announced?
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Thaum – yay!!!
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Overnight, Deebee. Shame Kolbe is out. He’s so great to watch. Likewise with Liam. Nkosi’s a more than decent replacement. As is Leigh H.
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Strongest England side since 2002. If somehow they don’t win this RWC, I can see them going unbeaten for the next four years, setting all kinds of records, before crashing out next time at the pool stage.
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FBC, our lads aren’t like that anymore. Not many from that vintage left and poor old Beast doesn’t have Phil “I fold” Vickery playing a duff hand against him.
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An ABs win is pretty much the only thing that will keep Saint Jacinda in power, whereas support for England is support for BoJo. There can’t be neutrals in this situation, surely?
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Jacinda was in trouble this week, no, BK? For saying something completely correct about Alan Jones.
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Steady on, Craigs, now it looks like many MPs are detecting chicanery in the GE proposal. And it would depend on the EU granting a long enough extension anyway.
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Speaking of politicians, that nice Ruth Davidson, the human face of Tory Unionism, has taken a job with a lobbying firm.
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An old tweet came to light, I believe Tom. Probably bumped her up a percentage point. Her real problem is that she heads a coalition government with two other parties full of loose cannons she has no control over. Against a party that is reassuring people that climate change isn’t something they need to worry about and we don’t need to change anything.
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TomP – I think its tradition for ex-Tory politicians to take jobs with lobbying firms.
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She was supposed to be different. though.
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And she’ll still be politician for a bit in the Scottish Parliament.
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Border boy, I think you change your name lest Trump comes calling.
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Normally politicians wait to leave politics, before turning into complete spivs.
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Looks like the Welsh team has been leaked.
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Normally politicians hide their complete spivness before leaving politics, is what you meant I think?
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Oh jebus, Vordeman at 14. Wales by 35
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“Ruth Davidson, the human face of Tory Unionism,”
Eh?
Since when?
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Refit, Cerys Mathews only makes the bench again?
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Dai Lama is a good name, though
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Carol’s ready.
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I wasn’t being entirely serious about Ruth Davidson, ticht. Just reflecting the shite that gets talked about her.
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@Ticht – Dai’s excellent on Twitter.
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Deebee
I think you mean Wales by
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“An ABs win is pretty much the only thing that will keep Saint Jacinda in power, whereas support for England is support for BoJo. There can’t be neutrals in this situation, surely?”
BK, the other side of the coin, or perhaps a sideyways view, is an England win of the pot emboldens Old John Bull even more, leading to independence and self-determiation for the constituent parts of the UK.
@TomP, I know, I was just emphasising the point that she ain’t no human face of anything, not with, for example, her stance on forcing women to prove they were raped in order to receive child benefit
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As for that bloody Carol Voldemort
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She’d be the most Tory Welsh international since Lee Byrne.
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Voldemort means ‘flight of death’ in French.
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That’s exactly what I may or may not have meant Thaum. The cruelty of teasing an Arts graduate with that surely means all decent folk will be Backing The Boks this weekend. It’s a moral imperative.
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Didn’t know that Thaum – makes sense! Only get the mort bit.
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One in an occasional series – the return of Blues Birthdays
Bill Wyman is 83 today, Happy Birthday young man.
Sticky Fingers – I love that record, possibly my favourite Stones album, and it contains possibly my favourite Stones song, I love the stumbling early 1970s excess of it all, Mick Taylor’s guitar is something else
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Don’t fly Voldemort Airways!
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Ticht – 83! Fucking hell.
I also love Sticky Fingers (er…). My dad used to get annoyed by my mother talking on the phone for bloody hours, so he’d put a little music on his impressive stereo to encourage her to hang up. First choice was the 1812 Overture, and the second (which never failed) was … yup, Sticky Fingers.
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Fantastic stuff Mr Ticht. I’ve said before, that run of albums from Beggar’s Banquet onwards (and I’ll include Goat’s Head Soup in that) are brilliant.
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Beggar’s Banquet was an ok record label.
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Great song Ticht, but if I’m only allowed one off that album then I can’t help it it’s Dead Flowers every time.
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Ah well, if we’re going down the One Song Offan Album route, then I’m going for Wild Horses from Sticky Fingers. Not that I don’t like Dead Flowers.
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@BB – it’s just the most fun, possibly of all Stones songs that I know. More than prepared to accept that others are in some sense ‘better’.
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I see the Wales injured and/or unavailable side is getting ever stronger. Only really needs a front row and it would probably be better than what will end up starting though I’d still back whichever version had AWJ in it if they had to play each other. Which wouldn’t be possible anyway of course as they both seem to have the same centres.
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Does Rhys Carre automatically join the unavailables once this tournament is over or is there a loophole for prop-babies?
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Best Stones album fur shur.
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Wales: Leigh Halfpenny; George North, Jonathan Davies, Hadleigh Parkes, Josh Adams; Dan Biggar, Gareth Davies; Wyn Jones, Ken Owens, Tomas Francis; Jake Ball, Alun Wyn Jones (C); Aaron Wainwright, Justin Tipuric, Ross Moriarty.
Replacements: Elliot Dee, Rhys Carre, Dillon Lewis, Adam Beard, Aaron Shingler, Tomos Williams, Rhys Patchell, Owen Watkin.
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He’s in the loophole cos he signed the contract with Sarries before the first cap.
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