OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Not sure ,tbh Craigs. Whitstable Sat night is 50/50, and Sunday morning depends on how much is consumed Saturday night. May have to miss games and head back to watch on Iplayer. You watching in a pub Sun ?
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Sbt – I’ll come out if you are around but I probably won’t be watching the later game.
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Aha, probably best to pull a Chek on you now then, as if weather shite will head back up motorway anyway, if weather good will cross country thru Tenterden. Unless we can swap details offline somehow ??
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Can do. Thaum please send SBT my email address. Fanx.
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Premiership rugby anyone?
Exeter’s line-up to face Quins contains some names of note:
– starting back row of new signings Kirsten and Vermeulen plus the fit again Sam Simmonds; Kvesic on the bench
– one for Ticht to watch……..Marcus Street as back-up tight head
Pleasing stuff.
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Craigs, won’t be down now anyway, sorry. Next round maybe.
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That’s not quite the full chek.
Got to involve some kind of tenuous involvement from a distant relation for that.
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Sbt – no worries mate.
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Tasty start to season live on BT Sport too, Slade.
https://www.bristolpost.co.uk/sport/rugby/rugby-news/bristol-bears-bath-rugby-live-3436100
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email me anyway Craigs.
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Slade, the name Marcus Street rang a bell and looking him up I think I’ve seen him play, though I don’t remember when.
I’ll keep and eye on him though, I get a genuine buzz from wacthing good young guys break through.
Speaking of which, and of Quins, to think Marcus Smith is still only 20 is bizarre, he seems to have been around for ages already.
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OB operatives’ email addies exchanged….
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sbt – yep! rugby starts tonight………………..
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ticht – Street has been England U20 2 years now – he just looks like a prop should!
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Whether to laugh or cry;
Dominic Raab describes the deal as “a cracking deal for Northern Ireland” because it allows NI “frictionless access to the single market”
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Fantastic. He’s just realised that access to the SM could be a benefit.
This is like his finding out that a lot of trade passes through Dover.
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Nice story but nasty pic of Wimpie van der Walt:
https://lowvelder.co.za/508806/two-former-hoerskool-nelspruit-pupils-face-rugby-world-cup-quarter-final/
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This is a top read:
https://www.sarugbymag.co.za/oom-rugby-outlines-why-japan-wont-win/
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He might not be right about Japan not winning but he’s laid out his thinking well.
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That’s a good article Tom, and from a Scottish perspective a bit depressing because it true, our defence is passive and we lose a lot of games because of it.
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Stilton and Cheddar are fine cheeses, albeit not exceptional, unless one considers them so because of the scarcity of good British cheeses. Were they French, I doubt they’d be as notorious as they are. They’re not quite in the same category as a Camembert, a Brie, a Comté or a fresh Roquefort.
For my money anyway, the best two cheeses are Italian: Parmiggiano and Gorgonzola are ” hors catégorie “.
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We used to get local Fromage de Bresbis from the Aude area, Flair, along with a nice Fitou, et du pain from the village baker – sigh
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@Flair – Quite right, they aren’t in the same category – they’re in a far higher one!
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British steak puddings >> French steak puddings
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Dab, each to his own. We’re only talking about personal tastes, not mathematical facts. I’m not selling anything.
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Ticht, the brebis cheeses made in the Basque country, on both sides of the border, are wonderfully diverse. From the strongest to the mildest, they taste very differently whether the milk used is produced in the spring or in winter. The tastiest (not necessarily the best, Dab) are usually made with unpasteurized milk.
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I’ve just bought some cheddar. Should go great with my hot bread tomorrow morning.
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Comté sounds like a cheese I should try, if it is available here. German cheeses pass me by, but I may not have tried hard enough to find a good one.
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Well Yos, I’m happier with either Beard or Bradley covering Ballzy from the bench. Beard offers more at the lineout, which was the only excuse I could find for Shingler’s involvement.
I’m chuffed Wainwright is playing, he is almost as local for me as Ryan Jones was after he played for Risca. Dee also. Moriarty seems to be upping his game again so should be a good impact player for the last quarter.
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“…unless one considers them so because of the scarcity of good British cheeses.”
Oof, ouch and oh là là”!
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Iks – over here, Sainsbury’s has started carrying Comté recently. Makes a great sauce cheese.
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https://results.gff.co.uk/wc/2018
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MrIks,
Comté can be delicious or crap. Not only does it depends on the quality of milk, the season, the maker etc. ..but also how long it’s been aged for. Look for a minimum of 15 months.
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Christ, 12,000 spectators at a World Cup quarter-final? Things were definitely different then.
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/that-1980s-sports-blog/2019/oct/18/england-first-rugby-world-cup-wales-australia
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Just checked the results of the 2018 World Cheese Awards. Feeling smug.
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In my experience, almost any small production traditionally made cheese is likely to be better than a supermarket item. Unpasteurized as Flair said. Knew a couple of young hippy snowboarders from Switzerland a few years back, spent summers living high up in the Alps making raclette cheese for on old boy whose cattle grazed meadows that had never had any treatment other than centuries of cow and goat shit. Was awesome, Every other similar commercial cheese I have tasted was like chewing on a Firestone. Love finding a bit of aged hard goats at a french market. mmmmmm.
Used to buy a really wicked blue cheese from nearby Melton Mowbray when I visited my sister.Little dairy farm, sold at farm shop. Family had been making it for generations, used to be Stilton, but they refused to pasteurize it, so could not call it Stilton anymore.Best Stilton I ever tasted.
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@Iks – I quite like Montagnolo which is German despite not sounding so.
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Yeah, was gonna post that, Craigs, me old china. Good showing , no?
Funnily enough, judging for this years competition is today !
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My friend who spent much of his gap year working in an Allgau cheese factory also put me off German cheese a bit with his tales of the workers having sex with the cheese. Apparently it also wasn’t also that useful at Cambridge to have learned to speak German like a Turk in a cheese factory.
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Sbt – the results pages were a little confusing but we got 9 of the best 78.
The USA did well. I think that there’s been a ‘craft’ cheese revolution over there. There’s a lot of crap too though
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CMW – just adding yeast nutrients I imagine.
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Wonder what the cheese version of shag, marry, avoid is.
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Cashel Blue is very nice too.
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I wonder what the pie version of shag, marry, avoid is.
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Craig, I I had to check those awards, as I usually don’t give them much credit.
In this case they are delivered by a British company based in Dorset, called Guild of fine good. Since 1988, they’ve awarded their first prize to 11 British cheese, 7 French and not even two to Spanish or Italian.
They rewarded an industrial french plant call Agour twice for their mediocre Ossau-Iraty brebis.
I’d take their “awards” with a large spoon of salt.
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Cricket-beers and curry tonight, no cheese.
Have a nice piece (not in a German way) of ossau iraty knocking around though.
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Pretty sure Brookter will have attended the Cheese Awards what with them being local and all that. Can Darren Gough be trusted I wonder:
https://www.crewechronicle.co.uk/news/local-news/darren-gough-promotes-cheese-nantwich-5614582?service=responsive
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Bet the French cheese rolling competition isn’t as good as the British one
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BB, that was a truly terrible match. The right result, mind.
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Is Boris Johnson going to pull off Brexit?
Think that’s the gist of what Thaum was Karling earlier.
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