OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Flair – I was talking about these awards held in Norway last year.
https://gff.co.uk/awards/world-cheese-awards/
There is a pdf of the ‘supergolds’ or something.
Let’s be clear though, I like French cheeses too.
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Haha, you’re right Flair.
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Can’t find any other awards. I wonder what they do to try to be impartial.
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“If there is one defensive coach I would select to try to beat New Zealand it would be Andy Farrell and the Ireland players will take a huge amount of comfort and positivity from that.”
How much comfort and positivity will the Irish ladz take from Ugo’s confidence in Big Andy Farrell? A huge amount? Will it be enough?
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Cabrales. Magic Cheese.
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Ta for the cheese tips, Flair and CMW. I will follow-up.
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‘Love finding a bit of aged hard goats at a french market’
Good heavens
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If I could only eat one cheese for the rest of my life I go camembert.
Give me 5. I add top notch cheddar., stilton, comte and gorgonzola.
Although all cheese is great apart from American ‘burger cheese’ which basically acts as a glue for all your other food, welding it to the roof of your mouth.
I’d even eat a baby bell or edam if hungry.
I’ve eaten many and other than the above mentioned never found one unpleasant.
Feck putting fruit in it though. By all means have some with it but bits of dried fruit inside your cheese aint the way to go.
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Cheese is really bad for you though. A new worry for worrisome dov as he approaches 40 with a tiny baby in my none phone using arm
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Ogleshield is a fine cheese.
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‘I’d even eat a baby bell’
Karl
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Going to watch Brizzle v Bath as I want to have a look at Ioan Lloyd – he looked insanely talented in U18 rugby.
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Best Cheese Novel? I’m saying Willem Elschott’s Cheese: A Novel. Robert Musil’s The Manchego Without Qualities is also decent.
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I’ve made paneer before. Really easy.
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Mark Steel said on the News Quiz tonight that Boris Johnson’s ex wife should become a DUP member of parliament – she’d get about a million in child support by next week
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@Flair – I’m only yanking your chain. While I do think that cheddar and Stilton are splendid, I’m quite willing to accept the superiority of many French cheeses.
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Most disturbing karl ever.
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I do need to get me a load of this Comte stuff then!
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Patience Dabbo. All good things comte those that grate.
*Gets coat and flees*
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Aged hard goats? Sorry sir, it was all eaten.
Magic cheese? Sorry, sir – disappeared.
Baby bells? Sorry sir, all gone.
Sadly for our Ovally Ballers, all the cheese has gone runny….
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Bollox! Could somebody delete one of the above? Last time I looked I thought it hadn’t posted, which is why I did it again.
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Dab, my chain is made of rubber.
I don’t believe in superiority in food, only in variety. In that sense, and only in that one, French cheeses are superior as they offer more choice . What you like is the best.
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That’s a terrific start by Bristol.
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BB – your wish is my command.
Comté cheese is particularly good with Montbéliard sausages, also from Franche-Comté.
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They are looking strong, Tom
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Thanks Thaum.
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That wasn’t so clever, though.
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Is this a bigger game than either of these sides v Glaws?
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Bigger in terms of rivalry I mean
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Bristol hate Bath. But Bath v Leicester is probably bigger for them.
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Flair
– Charles de Gaulle
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That was nice.
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Hughes is showing up well on dayboo
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Man of the Match will Charles Piutau. He’s such lovely player to watch. Puts Big Nathan in for the try.
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“Bristol hate Bath. But Bath v Leicester is probably bigger for them.”
In turn, wouldn’t Saints be the big game for Tiggers?
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Ulster didn’t seem to get the best out of Piutau.
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Good to see Madigan going well now that he’s moved away from Lei… oh.
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Useless by Piutau. Drops a high ball.
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Have say, I like the Bath sponsors, Thatchers cider and Naim audio, top stuff.
Dyson can fuck the fuck off
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They already did!
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Here’s a thing, is Zach Mercer Scottish-qualified? He went to school in Scotland and played club rugby in Scotland but then left, basically what I’m asking is do you lose residency qualification if you leave?
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Too late, ticht. He’s already got caps for England.
There used to be a cumulative residency thing but it’s longer than 5 years.
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No. I was wrong. There is a cumulative residency thing but it’s for 10 years in total.
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Yeah, I was more asking about the regs on this, so if he hadn’t played for England he’d be “Scottish” in terms of selection?
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Do you have a link, Tom, it’s a thing I’ve wondered out from time to time, I don’t suppose there are too many players it applies to
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I’d say so if he lived there for 10 years.
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Nice hands!
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That was a nice way to finish the half.
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I’m not interested in a particular player, just the laws, so say Schoey lives in Edinburgh for five years, he is SQ, but he then gets a contract at, errrr, Quins before getting a cap, is he still SQ whilst playing for Quins?
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Protheroe, the 3rd try scorer now for Bristol, is a Swansea boy who went to Hartpury and ended up playing England Under 20s.
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