OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
In that case I’d say he wasn’t as he won’t have been living in Scotland for the preceding 5 years. As soon as he crosses the border he’s gone. It’d be interesting if Scotland tried to cap a player in the off season. Would it depend on when the contract with the English club started I wonder.
Strauss pissed off from Scottish rugby pretty soon after he got capped, no?
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Capped by Scotland in 2015, left Glasgow in 2017.
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Strauss was let go from Glasgow, his attention was more on the nightlife than the game, apparently
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So that’s why he went to Sale? For the nightlife?
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Sadchester, givin it large, BB
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Ah, right. Didn’t then.
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‘Sadchester ‘
Bit rude…
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I hope there was nothing forward there, that was great
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If there was no forward pass in that move, that was a stunning try – started by a brilliant pick up from the floor!
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Well it was, but they didn’t look, so the try stands! Thought this guy Hughes was supposed to be shit?
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Changed my man of the match prediction to Big Nathan. Charlie needs a couple of quick scores.
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Dov, I got it from a quote I read by Mani
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“started by a brilliant pick up from the floor”
Dan Thomas that was. Probably the 7th best Welsh number 7.
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See Uren’s pissed off then….
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Harry Randall is Welsh-qualified thanks to the 10-year rule thing.
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That was no seatbelt tackle
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Dov, are you in Manchester?
My three daughters have tons of friends at uni there, it must have been the single most popular city to go to from here to study.
I haven’t heard on bad word about the place, my youngest is there tonight visiting several mates
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@Ticht – not a seatbelt, however the tackler didn’t release. So right decision…
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Tipuric, Ellis, Navidi, Thomas Young, Cubby, Ollie Griffiths, Basham, MacLoed, Dan Davies, Boyde.
Definitive top 10.
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The only time I was in Manchester I was about 7. I remember George Best’s house being pointed out as we drove around, also we went to the Hawker Sidley factory because my mum’s friend’s husband was some big shot there, I remember seeing a Harrier jump jet ready for painting
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Refit, the scoreline flatters Bath at the moment
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That one was v bad, red
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I’d probably rate Dan Thomas somewhere between retired Warbs and Sam Cross.
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Ticht – I thought one of your daughters was going to Glasgow? Or was that just one of the options?
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Foley’s been pish tonight.
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She ended up going to Bristol, BB, but she has mates in Manchester, her sisters also have mates in Manchester.
The middle one, the one who was in the band, is now studying art in Edinburgh
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Weird story:
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-50095698
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Ioan Lloyd, he must be Welsh?
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@ticht
Yep. There’s an ever-increasing number being tempted over the border for schooling/rugby.
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He is. Not tied yet and got a scholarship to Clifton College in Bristol.
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Ioan, that must be the same as Ieuan/ Ewan/Euan/ Ian etc?
Speak of the devil
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Nice dayboo
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Kinell, this is a tonking
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Ooh, what a pick-up by Hughes.
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Hughes has been v good
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Someone has told me that Callum Sheedy’s dad is so Irish (despite being Cardiff born and bred) that he’ll never play for Wales.
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I must visit my daughter soon, an afternoon at Ashton Gate would be a nice tie-in
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If Biggar gets one on the bonce again, do we pick Ioan Lloyd to start at 10 in the RWC final?
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“Someone has told me that Callum Sheedy’s dad is so Irish (despite being Cardiff born and bred) that he’ll never play for Wales.”
That is Ryan Wilson’s story, he was only ever going to play for Scotland, same with Geech
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Though with Geech his dad is Scots born
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Great win for Bristol.
Bath’ll be better when they get their England lads back next week.
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Sarries have Callum Hunter Hill on the bench tomorrow – “on loan” from Embra, there is more to that than meets the eye
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Sheedy’s already played for Wales at age-group, no? And Ireland, too.
One of the Bath players, uncapped, in the midfield,has a Welsh mum, has been tapped up by Wales but I heard it from an impeccable source that he was hanging on for England cos the appearance money was better. Don’t think he’d be more than a Autumn International against the Tier 2 nation player but still.
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@ticht
Someone like John Taylor or Shanklin would be the same for Wales.
I should add that I rate Sheedy as somewhere between 60 year old Paul Turner and Dan Thomas in my definitive Welsh 10s list.
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@tomp
I think Sheedy played U16s for us but turned down being involved at U20s.
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“I heard it from an impeccable source that he was hanging on for England cos the appearance money was better.”
It won’t be appearance money, making yourself available for England makes a huge difference in terms of winning a contract, it would take half an hour to go through it all – we have the son of a former Scottish captain in the boat, he is not tied to Scotland or England, but keeping his options open for England definitely helps his career chances
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The impeccable source was some posh English lad who’d been at school with him. Only met him once. It was during the Scotland cuffing of England last year and a lot of beer had been taken,
But, yes, you’re right about the EQ system in play. A much more important factor.
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Ticht, I lived there for 10 years and still work there. It’s a fantastic city.
I’m all posh now in Chester but it’s more for a man of my age.
I miss Manchester.
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Ellis Jenkins is better than Tips. Yos’ list wrecked immediately.
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Callum Sheedy’s da sound’s like a Great Lad.
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