OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
His performance v the Boks last year was probably better than any I’ve seen from any Welsh back rower ever.
He still hasn’t played enough international rugby, though.
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How the heck can you guys remember stuff like that?
I have a solid state memory, it works quite quickly but there is only so much room, last week’s game is about as far as it goes, once this week’s game comes in, two weeks ago gets punted out
I remmeber overall stuff, like Euan Murray being an unsung dog of the front row, but not indiviual games he’s played, … bar two in his case.
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Mind you, I do remember Motorhead lyrics from 40 years ago
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Memory is a weird thing. Mine has always been pretty efficient and forensic but lately is deteriorating which is a worry.
Another worry.
Still good enough to nurture a grudge mind….
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Song lyrics really stick don’t they. My kids are amazed by the fact that, on the rare occasions I get to choose the station, I can sing along to anything that comes on.
Obviously I can’t to stormzy but anything pre about 2003…
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Good morning everybody. An hour to go…
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Any rugby on this weekend?
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Morning Dab, morning all. Nervous & excited. Glad England up first but worried with favourite tag.
What a weekend in store though. Can’t remember one like it.
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My three year old woke me up at 6. Think he must be excited too. Although his team isn’t playing until tomorrow.
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Morning! Beautiful day for an upset….
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GOOD MORNING OVALLY BALLS!!!
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Am worried
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What’s the thinking around Twinings in the 2nd row ahead of Kruis?
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Coffee: check
Fried egg sandwich: check (sauce get tae fuck)
Have a great morning everyone. Here’s to 2 NH victories.
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Fuck, fuck, fuck.
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I’m just hoping rugby is the winner
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Fuck
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@Deebee he’s a bloody good player too – EJ must want an extra flanker for this one.
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It’s quite weird the information my brain has chosen to retain. I can probably remember how to play a song on the guitar I haven’t played in 20 years but I remember literally nothing of physics from school. I suppose some of it is because I choose to remember certain things over others.
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Well done England. No penalties.
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Decent start from the ‘bies.
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Solid defence boys.
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Fuck.
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Both teams looking up for this
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OK attack by Aussie. Slade is slowing people down but not bringing them to ground so Aussie making ground on his side. England’s defence bending but not breaking.
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Petaia looks a handful
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Morning.
Stout defence. Game might follow the same pattern as the Wallabies’ last 6 defeats against the English. Bright start, England too strong.
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How big is Mako now?
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Fffffuck
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Stunning 4 minutes of play!
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This is bad
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Loving the little battle emerging with Sinck and the Oz loosie
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Oh goody endless scrum resets
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Keep up this D and we will win
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Oh dear, Will G.
This game could be decided by which scrum half is less less bad.
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Game being played at a good lick. Good stuff.
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Harsh high tackle
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Head high and all miles offside. Aussie to go for 3.
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Ffs
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3-0 at 10 minutes isn’t bad considering we’ve had the ball for about 4 phases total
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A very good covering tackle by Farrell after Kurtley did Daly too easily.
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One way traffic. Doomed
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Ulsterman first to put points on the board!
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Stop fucking about Australia. 2, 3 phases max and bang it down the park,
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Lovely position for the scrum. Watch us drop the pill now, if we even get it back from the scrum…
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Aus should’ve cleared that.
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They did exactly the same against Wales in the first half. We scored the Parkes try on the next series I think.
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How did England not get a penalty for the angle of the Aus LH?
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Not playing the gate then?
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In at the side Garces you blind twat!
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