OvallyBalls Inbox
To: OvallyBalls BTL
Subject: Top Secret World Cup Despatch – FOR YOUR ACTION
Clearance Level: Errr, top secret
Hi All,
OvallyBalls’ spies* in Japan managed to obtain a recording of a conversation between four, as yet unknown, rugby coaches. Top brass have not been able to identify the voices and are relying on you to identify them. We believe this to be a unique opportunity to learn the tactics and mind games elite-level coaches play against each other. As our highest-performing analysts, please read the transcript below and send us your opinions by 1900 hrs.
In Sag’s service.
Regards,
OvallyBalls Top Brass
* Unfortunately OvallyBalls’ performance-related bonuses have been cancelled this year due to the unforeseen high cost of kimonos and treatment for stomach-related illnesses suffered by our spies whilst in the field.
Transcript begins:
Voice 1: You know mate, sometimes being a head coach of a tier-one nation is just a case of chasing the laws of the game and nothing else, mate. How can we be expected to know what’s going on when changes are made literally every year?
You know we found out that those Poms have known about lifting in lineouts for over a decade? And those Saffas don’t even teach their props to take the hit in the scrum. How can we possibly compete? Our captain’s a good bloke and everything – tries his bloody guts out – but he’s thick as shit, mate. Keeps making these suggestions about how the pass is backwards even when it goes forwards when you are running or some bullshit I can’t work out. I just pat him on the head and keep going.
Voice 2: You know, ah agree with you. For us it iz like propping has gone out of fashion. It seemz like everyzing changes. Before you av a simple yet effective strategy. You find ze two most enormousse men in ze country. Zen afteur 30 minutes you replace zem with ze two second most enormousse men in ze country. Zen you hope for uncontested scrums after 65 minutes. But now ze way ze clubs play av changed.
Voice 3: *cackles*
Voice 1: Yeah, mate. No wonder our scrum couldn’t push over a dingo, mate. Makes me blood boil. That Mario actually fuckin knew what he was talking about, mate, when he said that. It’s like I’ve got to bloody Google this. Who bloody tells you these things, mate? No point in even engaging with the ref anymore. I doubt they even know.
Another thing, we bloody lost to the Welsh AGAIN. It’s like the world’s turned upside down, mate. Australia don’t lose to Wales. Not bloody normal, mate. I blame the players.
Voice 2: My playeurs are like chiildren! Zey always complain and moan about ow ah am not giving zem any structuure. Ah tell zem just to play, play, play like ah diid in ze good old days but zey don’t seem to understand.
Zey switch off in matches too. Ah think that they do not like ze wine I give zem with the oranges. Zey tell me that ze claret belongs on the field but I don’t know ze reference. You must worry zat zey cannot make decisions.
Voice 4: Look, mate, I’m not worried. I just let the core group of players set the tone, decide the plays, pick the squad, decide substitutions, identify loopholes in the laws, flight schedules; that sort of thing. They’ve been taught everything at school. I just bring that extra bit of magic, poker face and humbleness….
Voices 1 and 2: WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!
Voice 4: Look guys, I’m more of a delegator here. We’ve had this set-up since the early 90s. Just sometimes it hasn’t always worked, so I’m here to add value, and culture, say some nice things after we win and all that motivational shit.
Voice 3: That why you guys have gone stale? Getting fucked by that loser’s team?
Voice 1: Hey….
Voice 3: Shut up, loser. You guys are worse than the bloody Scots….
Voices 1/2/4: Wait? What?…
Voice 3: Nah, mate, you guys have got it all wrong. You don’t need players, you need machines. I’ve got a team of hit men who are coming after you. I’ve got some bloody Godzillas to flatten the rucks, mate. No more standing in front of our scrummy like a fucking parma fucking ham, mate. We’re playing in Japan, mate, so guys better tell your teams to take cover because we’re gonna fucking wreck you with kamikaze pilots. We’ve got bloody ninjas coming at you….
At this point voice 3 becomes muffled as the speaker appears to be ranting more to himself than the other coaches.
Voice 4: That synt isn’t going to win.
Voice 1: I thought you were as humble as a spider’s bollock, mate.
Voice 4: That’s the thing, mate, he needs to be more humble. All that ranting about ninjas and godzillas. What does it mean?
Voice 1: I don’t know. I just wash his clothes and do other odd jobs….
Voice 4: Thought that was a rumour….
Voice 1: Nah, why would it be a rumour?
Voice 4: Aaahhh … mmm.
Voice 1: It’s since Randwick, mate. Club pecking order never dies, right?
Voice 4: Riiight…
…
Voice 2: Well, you know, ah still think we av a chance. We av our backs to ze wall. You know what we can do when we av no chance. Ah might just put an extra prop on ze wing just to fuck us harder. Four flankerrz in ze finisseurs. When everyone writes us off zats when we become a team oo can really play! You know what ah mean?
Voice 1: Nah, mate.
Voice 4: …Er … nah, sure. We’ll be fine. ‘Cos we’re humble. We’re not scared though. It’s different.
Voice 2: You know what we can do….
Voice 3: *fast, shallow breathing* We’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, we’ll be…fine.
Voice 1: Anyway, arseholes, I’ve got to check that my boys have brushed their teeth and are in bed.
Voice 3: *stops rambling* Just don’t be late with my breakfast tomorrow. Cat uterus sashimi on toast with smashed avocado, warm water with a slice of lemon and a bowl of cocoa pops.
Voice 1: No, sure thing, boss. I mean, mate. Sure thing, mate.
Voice 3: *cackles into silence*
Transcript ends.
As transcribed by OvallyBalls operative Craigsman.
Further reading
In case you missed them, you can also read Yosoy’s summary of the pool stages, Utnapistm’s predictions for this weekend, or Deebee’s musically-heretical predictions.
On the telly this week
Friday 18th October
| Bristol v Bath | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 19th October
| England v Australia | 08:15 | ITV |
| The Black Death v Our Heroes | 11:15 | ITV |
| Saracens v Northampton | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 20th October
| Wales v France | 08:15 | ITV / S4C |
| Japan v South Africa | 11:15 | ITV |
| Wasps v London Irish | 15:00 | BT Sport 1 |
Ovally Balls 
Great play from the England flankers. I felt that tackle by curry here!
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George has been good.
Defense excellent but I’m not sure inviting teams on to us and just trusting it will work indefinitely
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Warbs singled out Underhill as the model exponent of how to tackle under the new laws.
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Awful, awful play from England there. Slow and indecisive from Youngs.
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How is that not a tip tackle?
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Blatant tip tackle
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Garces has been woeful as per
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Couldn’t see a knock on there?
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As a neutral, game needs a try from Aus before halftime.
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Garces Dab
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Appalling defence from Farrell and Tuilagi lets Kerevi through from first phase. He passes but England scramble up some cover to stop the attack. Scrum Australia,
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Sees things none else does and misses the obvious
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Hoy-te Poite!
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Should have been a penalty for England at the scrum there. Garces is a joke.
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Cheiksy seems to have his ‘aggrieved’ face on permanently
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Sinckler has a lovable face.
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These scrums are ridiculous
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Should yellow card Sinckler & Sio.
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Sio keeps losing his bind.
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Probably pen oz coming up
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Ffs
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How is Garces a top tier ref?
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Australia have been a big second half team in the cup so far.
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Pitch looks a mess as well thanks to these scrums.
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TomP – yep we need to start strongly and keep them pinned back in their half for the first 10 like they did to us
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So predictable. Going to stop moaning now because I’m sure it’s tedious to others, but how is Garces an international referee?
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Why are they still playing?
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@tomp
Should be ruined by the time we play tomorrow.
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That was an entertaining first half , slight advantage to the Orcs
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Great match in between scrums. Aus leading 3 scores to 2.
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Stop start 1st half with all the scrum resets and lealiifano channelling Gonazalo Quesada with the penalty kicks.
When the ball has been in play, the pace has been very fast.
England defending some promising Aus attack. Although Tuilagi & Slade seem to be disconnected in defence. Aus struggling with the England attack in the wider channels.
Hooper and Pocock keeping Aus in the game. Genia having a poor game.
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He’s not been that bad guys. The scrums are a mess as both props are pissing about so it’s a lottery.
He missed the tip tackle but everyone did in real time, just didn’t get it on the screen quick enough. Not sure why the TMO didn’t step in. Think the game just moved on too quickly. There’ll be a citing I imagine.
Oz are well in this. We can’t tackle this much all game.
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@Dov
I agree. Other than the tip tackle, dont see what M Garces has done wrong
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Entertaining half. Strange tactics from Australia in their own 22, inviting the very good English defence to provoke mistakes. Can’t see England losing this. Absorb pressure, lightning fast counter attack, straight out of the ABs book.
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Apparently it is very hot in Oita. Fatigue and benches could be crucial.
An England try early on will give them a considerable buffer. Australia have been playing catch up rugby for much of the 1st half anyway
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@Utna really??
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I suspect it’s my rose tinted eyes seeing the issues with Garces but off the top of my head:
Hoopers off his feet/in at the side “turnover”
About 3 lost binds/boring in from Sio
Tip tackle on Billy
Non existent Farrell knock on
Am sure there’s some England offences he missed too that my brain chose not to see
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Anyway. It’s been an exciting game outside the scrums and those were two lovely tries. Feels like Aus will definitely score a couple of tries by the end of the game, so England have to keep the scoreboard moving forward in the second half. Next 20 will be crucial. If Aus are within a score going into the last 20, I think they will win.
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So much fear about the 2nd half – Oz have been a good second half, chasing team and we have a history of having a meltdown in that exact scenario.
If Oz score early then we’ll find out if Eddie defused those grenades in the boot or not…
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People, including me, should stop morning about the ref each time their team play. Garces has been fine ( for this neutral) and I am not even sure the “tip tackle” was a tip tackle. Neither Australian player lifted the English guy.
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Damn autocorrect. Moaning, not morning.
Morning all, though.
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But then what we comment on Flair? ;)
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What would we
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Hoopers off his feet/in at the side “turnover” – marginal as these often are. Underhill also got away with a similar one
About 3 lost binds/boring in from Sio – good luck telling which prop is doing what, both of them cheating like buggery
Tip tackle on Billy – agree. He missed that
Non existent Farrell knock on – when OF got over the ball to steal? Looked a knock on to me
I want England to win, but dont see the problem with the refereeing so far
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How was that not hands in the ruck?
Bit of composure lads?
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Check that pass surely?
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Nightmare start from England!
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Fucks sake
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Ooh, game on!
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Right well time to see if we can cope or not
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