Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Jamie Roberts said ‘he is remaining neutral because there are players in both the England and South Africa camps who play at Bath.’
“Francois Louw is a good mate, and then there are all the guys playing for England,” he says. “I am delighted to have at least one World Cup winner coming back to Bath. That is awesome.
“To watch them be involved in a Rugby World Cup final is special. I am very jealous of them all being able to play in such an important game.”
“England won the collisions against the All Blacks, but I just do not think they are going to have as much of an easy ride in the area against the Springboks, who pride themselves on controlling and dominating that part of the game.
“South Africa showed deficiencies with their defence in the wider channels against Wales, and England have the artillery to exploit that.
“Yes, England do have to earn the right to go wide and off strike plays they can cause South Africa problems. England have been excellent off first phase and can score tries off that initial attack.
“The pressure on both sides is enormous, but my head tells me that England will just have too much for South Africa.”
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Nice!!!!
Words Thaum. Words.
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Wonder what coping strategies BB uses.
60.9% whisky probably.
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The bit that made the trolling headlines went as follows:
‘Jamie Roberts said while he will support his Bath teammates Sam Underhill, Anthony Watson and Jonathan Joseph, he will not support England. “I am not allowed to do that – it is in my blood,” he wrote in a column in the Daily Telegraph. “As a Welshman, the patriotic half of me kicks in.”
So basically he said he is neutral, but can’t support England outright because he is Welsh, and there is a drop of history there, and it is a real thing about it being in your blood.
Fake umbrage, Dab and Craigs.
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Dab and Craigs, you should be outraged that he said it was in his blood. That’s 19th Century style science. It should be in his DNA or nothing.
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Well. I feel a bit silly now.
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@Thauma, the link up there to Yosoy’s philosofisin phylyosophizings ramblings seems broken?
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Umbrage withdrawn.
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Cracking words, Thaum.
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Cheers, Iks, I’ve fixed it….
And thanks, Dab and Craigs!
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Iks – not really. Not supporting England because he is Welsh and patriotic is fairly silly. If he had said ‘the parochial part of me means I can’t support England’ then at least he’d be consistent.
Still silly though.
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Tomp – he’s a doc too (or studying, not really paid him any attention) so should know. Maybe the Hask dominated him permanently.
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I’m basically not going to afford the doc any margin for humour or nuance.
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@Craigs silly, but not umbrage-causing.
I think maybe it was actually me who over-dominated him. While he was a medical student I was a social worker in the hospital in Cardiff and I walked past him a few times. He looked pretty intimidated from his great height, to be honest.
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‘Well. I feel a bit silly now.’
Off you go to spend the night in Ringland, and you’ll be as right as rain in the morning.
Seriously, we are burdened with moronic English haters who hate for the sake of it, and it is unbearable to listen to them.
The other side is that rugby is steeped in the history of our nations, and Roberts makes a genuine point about why supporting England isn’t an easy thing for us Welsh to do. It is also in my blood and bones and yes, DNA not to support England.
I’d still be absolutely delighted for the English posters on here if they win, likewise for that old salt Deebee if it goes the other way.
I suppose what I’m getting at is that for Roberts he is just being honest, but he is not being moronically anti-English.
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That’s probably apt.
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I’ll be pleased for my Saes mates if England win, and they’ve been great to watch in this tournament. The best team to watch.
Eddie and co. can still do one.
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Iks, I’m amusing myself more than anything. I don’t think he’s a moron. But it’s fun to pretend
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Flair – re your post at the end of the previous thread, I’m pretty sure that Craigs was joking there.
But when I went to school in France, I distinctly remember hearing a nice classmate say to a nasty one, in reference to me, ce n’est pas de sa faute qu’elle n’est pas française.
All nations have their bigots.
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Aspiring writer, Thaum?
Well done, and thanks for sharing.
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Cheers, LADOAB!
Act III was pretty much cribbed out of The Two Towers – erm, which I assume is out of copyright – and slightly adjusted.
Years ago on Cif there was a discussion BTL on why many feminists are Tolkien fans despite the dearth of female characters; MsWoman (remember her?) was involved: she was a Tolkien fan too. Of course we all pointed out that Éowyn and Galadriel are very strong female characters, and apart from that, it’s just a cracking story.
The invention and exaggeration of female characters in the films get on my tits (that fighting female elf who falls in love with the dwarf, and Arwen, who is literally a footnote in the novels, respectively).
Fun fact though: the actress who plays Arwen is Steven Tyler’s daughter. You can sort of see the resemblance, if you squint.
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I watched that so you don’t have to. Eurgh.
It’s no ‘Lola’.
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She’s good in The Leftovers too Thaum. Less regal though.
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Never heard of that, Craigs. I don’t watch many fillums these days.
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I just get infuriated by screen adaptations of books I’ve read, because they just bloody get it all wrong!
Exceptions would be the Jeremy Irons mini-series of Brideshead Revisited and the David Suchet Poirot series … although the Marple ones are crap.
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Oh, and there’s a very good version of Sheridan Le Fanu’s Uncle Silas, starring Peter O’Toole, and renamed The Dark Angel.
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LOTR adaption good (especially the extended DVDs).
Hobbit adaptions BAD, BAD, BAD.
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The most disappointing film ever was the Three Musketeers one with Gabriel Byrne (be still, my beating heart), John Malkovich (sp?), Gérard Dépardieu and … was it Jeremy Irons again? What a cast! What a shit film!
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Thaum, don’t worry, I knew Craigs was joking, and I added my little joke there. Hope it did not ruffle any feathers. Actually if it did, those feathers might’ve needed a bit of ruffling?
This: “ce n’est pas de sa faute si elle n’est pas française” was nice from your friend but ultimately is as parochial as what the nasty girl probably said.
For what it’s worth I’m supposed to be neutral but I hope NZ win over Wales and England over SA as both play my favourite type of rugby.
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BB – bah, I don’t like the LotR adaptations either. I’ve no quarrel with leaving out the annoying Bombadil, but there were many other things sacrificed for the sake of crappy CGI battle scenes. And the Arwen thing really annoys me too.
The best adaptation imo was the cartoon version that never got finished.
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Also, the last half hour is just unwatchable. Pass the bucket.
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Flair – yes, I was a bit shocked that my ‘friend’ said it like that! But I think she was trying to talk down the other girl, who was really a nasty piece of work.
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Oh, and Flair – was interested in the work you’ve done. I also hate dubbed films; much prefer to read sub-titles, so you can hear the actors’ voices and intonations.
If it’s a Romance language, I can understand the gist of what people are saying, and think Hey, those sub-titles aren’t entirely accurate! What he actually said was ‘I’m going to fuck your mother four ways to christmas’, not ‘You despicable cad’..
The slang in Spiral / Engrenages is sometimes beyond my vocabulary, though. We didn’t learn that sort of language in primary school. ;-)
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Leftovers is a series innit. The Expanse is a good adaptation. And The Motorcycle Diaries.
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Leftovers – whoosh.
The Expanse – whoosh.
I started reading the Motorcycle Diaries but never finished. I probably should.
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I can’t see how I can support England as it would let down Twisty Bunny, Mr Dox etc. Jamie Roberts probably feels the same way, but ended up using a lot of words instead as he most likely feared he would be mocked.
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I’ll be setting off for Tamworth services round about half-time in any case.
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Thaum – I liked The Motorcycle Diaries the first time. The second time I kinda thought Che came across as a bit of a dick. He spent a lot of time thinking about how to fortify the places he visited iirc.
The film version of him us far more sympathetic.
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Thaum,
Italians as usual get it right: “Traduttore, tradittore” says it all, doesn’t it?
In films, the problem is not only that in the original the voice matches the body language, which cannot be achieved in the dubbed version, but also that the dubbed version must appear “natural”. For example everytime the actor closes his mouth on a consonant like “b”, “p” or “m”, ideally the dubbed dialogue would also have a “b”, “p”, or “m” at the same moment. Needless to say, it’s impossible to achieve.
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For those interested in rugby computer games, this looks like it might be good:
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@Refit – looks like it’s possible to tell Ireland players apart from the pitch which is not what I want from a rugby game.
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Iks. He won’t support England. I correspondingly will revoke my Welsh granny card, and support Un Zud tomorrow. Neutral is just not good enough, unless its Scotland vs France.
Craigs- I quite often think about how easy a place would be to defend in case of a total apocalyptic event, dropping trees across/blocking roads, hills that could be useful watch towers/sniper positions, availibilty/defendability of resources, food, fuel, clean water etc Guess I am a dick too. ( ps you are a bit fucked down there in Kent from an invasion aspect, but if you survive the first winter, and can get tooled up, it would be a pretty good place to be iirc)
:)
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One for the stats peeps
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Well that didn’t work how it was meant to
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Flair
I watched Das Boot in a dubbed version. It completely spoiled my memory of the voices in the original German
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The 3 musketeers with Oliver Reed and Michael York was magnificent
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And Richard Chamberlain
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Excellent words Thaum!
I’m now so bloody nervous at the unexpected place in the Final I can’t spake! Think I’ll just immerse myself in work from now on until the match is over.
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This was overdubbed from the original Spanish. They did quite a reasonable job in synchronising the voices and actions of the characters
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Well that lasted didn’t it?
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