Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Give it to Cheslin
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Koooooolbe!
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Kolbe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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That deserves to win the world cup
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Congratulations SA. Kolbe s a little wizard.
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England’s mental strength not that strong obviously.
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Kolbe beat Farrell all ends up there. Great footwork
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There’ll be thousands of kids all over SA replicating that run in about 10 minutes.
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Congratulations deebs. We’re well beaten.
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Ah, there’s Manu.
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Youngs should probably have been hooked earlier, but SA have just dominated England in every area.
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Well done South Africa, magnificent performance, dare I say DOMINANT?
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Sorry. That looks more snarky than it was meant to be.
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Well, been a thoroughly enjoyable game at the end of a magnificent RWC.
Congrats SA, epic performance on the big day and deserved winners. Commiserations England., played some exceptional stuff throughout the tournament but not to be. Can go home with a young side and great things to come in the future.
PoTM: De Allende
PoTT: PS Du Toit
Enjoyed the company of the AoD/OB crew again over the tournament. Thanks to Thaum for getting the band back together. ‘See’ you all for the 6N!
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England, though rattled today, don’t deserve to lose by 20.
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He’s also mine.
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Feeling a tad better about Wales’ effort in the semi-final.
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Beast was my MOTM, he set the tone
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When the dust settles, England’s players will be proud of what they have achieved. Almost all of them will be around at the next RWC so they should have high hopes for what they can achieve.
Congrats Deebee!
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@flair
If England’s passing and ball handling was better they would have lost by fewer points. Kept giving the ball away meaning all the rugby was played in England’s half.
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Deebs, I’ll raise a glass of Highland Park to you and SA later
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Congrats Deebee. Hard lines to the best NH team in the tournament, and to their supporters here.
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Magnificent performance from SA; congratulations, Deebee!
And commiserations to England fans.
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Well done South Africa (and especially Deebee). Just too strong on the day and England couldn’t (weren’t allowed to) repeat last week’s heroics.
Worthy winners — congratulations!
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My daughter’s boyfriend will be very chuffed
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@ticht is he Welsh?
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I really enjoyed that game, there wasn’t a 20 point difference between the teams
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@FBC Rwandan, but supports any African team
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Coincidence that they stopped being the Comedy Boks and became World Champs after the Cheetahz and Kingz rocked up to the Pro14?
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Congratulations, South Africa.
Commiserations, England.
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Vermeulen was immense today. But so was the entire SA pack. Sinckler was a big loss, as SA won so many penalties with their scrum.
Ben Youngs chose the wrong day to be poor. But England will be back, young team and all that.
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Outstandingly Bok-like winners – well done SA.
My favorite player – Vermeulen – made MotM.
England completely dominated in the first half by strength and slow set play. Sa changed up 2 gears in the 2nd half.
de Klerk the best 9 by far in the tournament.
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Picked the wrong week to chuck myself off a roof
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SA arguably the most successful word cup nation. Certainly so in the pro era.
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You are a contrary buggar Dova, most people would chucked themself off today, not last Saturday.
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Well done Boks and congrats to our SA-inclined posters. Can’t argue with the result.
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Impressive by SA
Too good on the day
Good tourney by England. Looking strong
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thinking future world cup and all that – why wait for ‘the cold light of day’……..England players/positions under pressure:
England’s current group of fast forwards undone by ultimate beasts……
Loose Head – Marler and Mako to retire……..sucessors Genge………………………..?
Hooker: George (if he keeps fit) and LC-D – LC-D to become first choice
Tight Head:- Cole to retire. Sinkler plus???? young Street?
2nd Row: Itoje, Kruis, And probably Lawes all ok – Lawes fitness a risk. Johnny Hill of Exeter?
Back Row: Underhill, Curry ok Wilson to retire……….other Curry, Mercer plus?? Sam Simmonds, Ludlum, ………
9: Youngs and Heinz to retire……Spencer, Maunder???
10: Ford doesn’t work behind a losing pack at the highest level…. but he is still very good. Farrell obvs plus Simmonds and Smith
Centres: Tuilagi, Slade, JJ, plus Marchant and anos?
Wings: Watson, May, Nowell, Daly all still good……….up comings?
Full Back: no idea beyond a name above.
Manager/Head Coach…………….a bastard of some sort!
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No idea what NZ were up to last week. Played right into our hands with tactics and selection. The side that played yesterday was much stronger. Any number of teams could have made it much tougher for us just by choosing to play a different way. Oz the same, the only other decent team we played.
Not convinced we are any further on than in the mix for the 6N and occasional big performance against the big teams. As we were really.
Encouraged by the youth of some of our best players though. Eddie has done a decent job there.
I wonder if he’ll chuck it in now or take the money for his last 2 years?
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First law of character – Never, ever make an England team pre-match favorites. It just doesn’t fit with the psyche. Much, much better as underdogs.
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There’ll be thousands of kids all over SA replicating that run in about 10 minutes.
I’m sidestepping like Kolbe too. In my case it’s not of my own volition. The Boks were near perfect today and its massive kudos to England (but no consolation) that they were in the game until the last 10 or so.
Thanks for all the wishes on here and I doff my cap to England and the wonderful English fans here. As well as all the other stunning folk who make this such a pleasure to be here. If you’ll all excuse me for a couple of days, I’m off to drunker.
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Great comments Dova.
Despite all the pre-match media hype in the UK, I bet that win means more for SA……………….
Enjoy!
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Glasgow’s 50 – 0 looking impressive now!
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Well played Sa, worthy winners. England never had a look in in any area of the game. Thought final score was about right.
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@Slade Mako only 28! He’s got another world cup in him barring injuries. England need to say thank you and goodbye to Youngs asap. I really hope the Daly at fullback thing ends. Put Watson/CJPJN there and get big Joe in on the right. Thought Ford unfairly maligned. No FH could look good outside Youngs today – he lacked composure and set the wrong tone from the off.
It didn’t feel to me like the England pack got dominated at the breakdown and they won a lot of collisions. It was failure to execute the basics with ball in hand and at set pieces that cost us, not a pack that was constantly going backwards.
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Too disappointed to say anything other than firstly congrats South Africa, played their gameplan perfectly and deserved winners (Kolbe is something special) and secondly can we please take the idea of Daly being a fullback and set it on fire, his positioning was awful all game and he had another knock on picking up a grubber.
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And as others have said, Youngs needs to have played his last game – been a good servant when the cupboard was bare (and actually wasn’t bad in parts this WC till today) but Spencer, Robson, Heinz all better options now. His inconsistency and poor decision making when we get slow ball is not good enough
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Dab, we need a better set piece from Mako if he wants to stay around. I like a Genge /Sinkler front row.
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Think that’s too negative Dova – we looked much comfortable than the 6n when the pressure came on and Aus and NZ got within a score and showed a couple of different game plans in the tournament, we just came up against a side that had one of those days today/dealt with the occasion better.
The bulk of the key players in this team will be around for at least one maybe 2 world cups, and the positions where there will be change (Marler, Cole and the 9’s off the top of my head) are ones where we have some decent options coming through.
Following this up with a 6N win has to be the minimum expectation now though if we want to cement ourselves as top 2 in the world team
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@FB England have taken big strides this world cup but still have a problem with playing at their best consistently. I can’t see that changing and therefore think top 2 will be a stretch.
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