Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
The 6N remains ultra competitive. No clear favourites as per the last few.
We’re in the mix. Depends what Eddie does.
SA will kick on, they just produce such volume of good players, NZ will be back, they really got things wrong last week but remain the best team around.
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Agree to an extent but I think all of the top teams seem to capable of off days now (even the AB’s it would now seem).
Be big changes for ABs, Ireland, Wales (possibly SA, what’s their turnover likely to be?) coming up so for at least the next year or so I’d expect us to be up.there from being settled if nothing else.
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I think England are massive favourites for the 6N.
Next year will also be the first year in a long time where I think France have a shot.
Could also be Scotland’s year.
Wales and, even moreso, Ireland could/should be unrecognisable. No idea what will happen with either. Changes in personnel, coach and style (England are changing coach but not the other two, I’d wager).
Italy are improving but so slowly it makes little difference. They could be competitive in all games but still lose them all.
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Thought Eddie was in charge for another couple of years? If so, then only England and Scotland will have the same coaches in the 6N as they had in the World Cup.
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France will also have the same coach, as Brunel was coach in name only. Galthié is the man really in charge. It will take a couple of years but I agree with Enzo, France will soon challenge again at the top. Pfff… only took ten years…
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Like Alan Partridge, I expect evolution not revolution.
It’ll take Wales 4 years to have a different looking team. Over the next 18 months I expect the squad we have now with only a few newer players drafted in.
I am looking forward to Pivac’s squad for the BaaBaas game next month. That should be a decent pointer for where he wants to be in 2 years time, both with personnel and the style.
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Will he try to play the ‘Scarlets’ style, or will he wait until he has the personnel to do so? Any time Wales tried to play more openly in the backs, they just don’t look comfortable doing it at the moment (but more so with Patch than Dangerous Dan).
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Speaking of Scarlets … they’ve just equalised with the Cheetahs. 7 all, 25 mins in.
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Just caught up on the game.
Well done, Deebee’s boys. England fans, you got beat by a better team today but had a good tournament overall.
South Africa were really really good. du Toit man marking Ford at times put real pressure on him and his game suffered. South Africa didn’t give England easy ball like the NZers last week. One of the absolute keys for me was when they held out and pushed England back on the 20-phase play before Farrell’s 2nd penalty. Genuinely superb defence.
Kolbe v May was a great battle between two fine players. Kolbe’s try was supreme. Fantastic to see Mapimpi show his brilliance in attack and he was very solid in defence.
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Congratulations to South Africa and commiserations to the English posters. England couldn’t hit the heights of last week….which was almost perfect….and South Africa were way better than last week.
Like the SA/NZ match, South Africa hit the opposition with everything in the first 20…. difference was England weren’t able to get a quickfire 14 points….so SA remained in control. The defence to withstand repeated England phases before half time was a big win… even if it cost 3pts….
Ultimately Mapimpi’s try was crucial……13 points was a game winning lead even with 15-18 mins left….bit of fortune on Marx’s pass but every team gets away with them….
20pts was a bit cruel but we’ve all seen our teams in close games where it just gets away from you….
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@BB
Scarlets 2017/18 core are already in the squad, so they could easily play that’s the plan (even Gatland went half Turkball in late 17/early 6N 2018). Whether it’s a long term plan that will help us beat big teams is another question.
We just have to find an upgrade for Lewis Rawlins and we can start.
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” Ireland could/should be unrecognisable”
I’d expect to see Larmour, Conway, Farrell, plus different half backs at least at different times. Haley and Addison to come into consideration ( Addison maybe in that utility back sub role)
Upfront – Scannell for Best. Conan is out for the season – otherwise we might have seen Stander at blindside. Leavy to come in when fit… possible experiments to replace Healy… (McGrath has moved to Ulster). Second row… Ryan plus AN Other (Beirne?) Henderson needs a few good performances
2020 is probably too soon for provincial youngsters like Doris, Deegan, O Sullivan, Wycherley, etc – IRFU set great store by doing well in 6N. Full houses at the Aviva pay the bills…..
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Trisk – Balocoune is nearly ready, I think, although he’s injured at the mo. Addison definitely in the mix. Thought Hendo was one of our better players in the WC, although that might be my one Ulster eye.
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Congrats to DeeBee, commiserations to the English Ladz / supporters. The game went the reverse of my expectations – I expected England to ice the cake with a couple of late scores.
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Commentator has just said conditions are so poor at the moment, that you’re almost better off without the ball – you have a better chance of scoring.
Erm. One small flaw in that.
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Reffed my first official game this morning – as an affiliate ref I can ref my own club. Rotten weather meant it wasn’t great for handling – so we had a lot of scrums.
Tralee were too good for our U14s. Scrums were ok, as was our rucking and ruck defence…… but weak tackling didn’t help. Opposition were a bigger team and some just don’t fancy it (yet, anyway).
Back to the training ground next Wed….
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Penalty for offside after a knock-on, thaum. Go up in 3 points.
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Yeah …Baloucoune….and possibly Adam Byrne at Leinster (if he can stay fit)….
Henderson….may be my judgment coloured by NZ game. Although no-one really came out well that day….
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I’m hopelessly pissed. Bit stoned too. Apologies for being a dick. Just happy.. will chat tomorrow
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How fucking cute is Jake?
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TomP – aye, but nevertheless, both sides are managing tries.
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And this I missed in my comment earlier. Amazing for Fat Frans Steyn. Two world titles, 12 years apart. He wasn’t in the thick of the action on the park but apparently he’s been a terrific squad member off it.
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Every RWC in the future should have one squad member that is the Bez of the squad – purely there for the vibes. And they should be limited to 5 minutes playing time in the whole tournament, but they have to play those 5 minutes. You’re chucked out of the competition if you don’t put in the shift.
All Blacks have to pick Jemaine Clement. That kind of thing.
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@Deebee you haven’t been a dick on here… What have you done in the real world??
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A win for Wales anyway. Herschel Jantjies wouldn’t be the player he is today without his learnings at Parc y Scarlets.
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from the Guardian……………..
Joe Marler, who said: “It’s a tough ask when the pictures have already been painted and Jérôme decided that he was going to referee a scrum this week – which is good to know, bless his heart. And it is very hard to change that perception.”
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Congrats to SA. That was a doing of a different kind but at the same level as Eng did to NZ last week.
In other news I may be one eyed but I’ve just seen an admittedly poor Glaws side get fucked over by one of the most onesided ref performances I’ve ever seen.
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Hugh Waddell RIP.
You might never have heard of him but he was a Scottish bloke who took up Rugby League for a bet and ended up being a half decent prop. He played for Oldham at one point and got picked for the 1988 Ashes series and played in the amazing 3rd test victory, famous for the “and he does a bit of a boogie” try by Henderson Gill.
He is the 3rd member of that great pack to pass away, following Mike Gregory and Roy Powell.
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@yos, I might have nommed Shingler as our Baz, but he did okay yesterday. Even Amos is in credit. Maybe we don’t have one?
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If we did, he’d get injured.
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Probably a question for Yosoy in the main, but was Pivac rushed in a bit prematurely by the WRU? Seems the Scarlets peaked and then collapsed under his tenure.
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Bez, not Baz, got my maracas crossed.
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“Probably a question for Yosoy in the main, but was Pivac rushed in a bit prematurely by the WRU? Seems the Scarlets peaked and then collapsed under his tenure.”
When they had their full team out in 2017-18, they were brilliant in attack. Last year they suffered an incredible number of injuries, especially in the back row.
How can we know if it’s too soon? There are a limited number of really high level coaches and Pivac at least knows the players well but he’s not coached an international side before. Gatz (and Jones and Henry and Hansen) had all done that.
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Well done South Africa. Saw the first hour in which they were definitely the better side and caught the rest on the radio in the car. Scenes at Tamworth Services when I met up with Doxy, Twisty and the other Cuddly Boks fans were wild.
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Can see this England side (OK, one very like it) winning a few Six Nations’ on the way to the next one.
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@Iksy
I think he earned the chance. Pivac’s last season at the Turks was a car crash and he’d have been sacked if he wasn’t already on his way out with a successor in place, but…
He did build the Scarlets into a very competitive side in a fairly short amount of time. They were a punch above their weight team, which is the kind of job we’ll need, just up a level or two. He’s coming in off the back of a settled squad that has had decent results, so we don’t really know that’ll fly with Dai Public as we’re used to seeing the previous coach sacked in the car park or worse.
I’m not really worried about him coming in and trying to get us to… somewhere – in fact, I’ve a sneaking suspicion that he’ll do very well short term – but I am wondering what’ll happen when we get to the difficult third album. Can he ride that storm and come back with a smash hit fourth?
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Deebs – you’ve been a gent. I’m pissed too and am probably going to be a little stoned later. But your team were excellent and had great supporters too. I can’t hold anything against you.
Generally I think that we’ve had an incredible wc. We couldn’t get there today but we have a young and exciting team who should get better. Faz will be on his Swan song next time round and this experience should drive the team forward.
Thinking back to the 2015 and 2011 mediocrity I can see genuine progression with Eddie in charge. This is a fairly dark day for English rugby but we shouldn’t forget how far the team has come.
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There’s a fundamental difference between coaching club and international teams, and that’s the time you get with the players.
Pivac clearly likes a certain style but maybe he’s got something different in mind for the international team. Schmidt’s Leinster team and his Ireland side had a lot of players in common but the approach was very different – with both built around their relative strengths compared with their respective pools of opponents.
The lack of time can also be a blessing in some ways. Or one way, at least. Gatland got his Welsh teams up to really, really high psychological pitch – physicality, intensity and all that – which I think is far more realistic and sustainable over 12 games played in a handful of small batches, than it is over 25 games with a club side.
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Regarding Ireland, I’m more sure of the players I want to be put out to pasture than who I want to replace them. I say put out to pasture, which is a big stark for some guys who’ve put in shift after shift over years and years. Great Lads, all. Anyway, enough sentiment, let’s start cutting lads.
Rory has retired. Ron and Earls are almost certainly done. I think we need to at least be open minded and a bit experimental in the half backs. The big, big worry for me is the back row. 18 months ago I wouldn’t have swapped our options with any other nation. Now we might have the weakest back row amongst the tier one nations. That’s an amazing (and terrible) change and I don’t think we have the replacements at the minute. POM looks old. He’s got to go, IMO. If Leavy is able to come back after that horror injury then I’d be happy with him, JvdF and Stander, but there’s not much after that. Beirne and Ruddock probably the pick. There are several kids who look the business but they’re all 20 and while some guys are ready for international ball at that age, some are not.
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Basically, I’m looking forwards to 7 in a row against the boks.
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There is some Pro14 rugby being played in stinking rain this weekend.
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Connacht have done well. :-)
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“Reffed my first official game this morning – as an affiliate ref I can ref my own club.”
Same rule in the Pro14 I think. Definitely for South African sides in Super Rugby.
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This is an interesting article, even though I don’t necessarily understand it. Wonder what it means for Star Trek though?
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It means for Star Trek that they haven’t found a way to remind me to put in the bloody link…
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2019/nov/02/hubble-constant-mystery-that-keeps-getting-bigger-estimate-rate-expansion-universe-cosmology-cepheid
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BB – my sister could explain that for you/me. Or, as her t-shirt says, I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
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Incredible pushing match. Not seen one like that since the first day of big school.
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Munster gone ahead 6-10 in the face of a gale. They’ll have the wind behind them in the second half.
Surprising as they’re still resting all their internationals.
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Cardiff are resting all of theirs as well, thaum. Well, they’re still in Japan.
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Blues. Not Cardiff.
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