Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
@TomP
“Same rule in the Pro14 I think….”
General consensus was I was biased to the other team ….
LikeLiked by 1 person
TomP – yeah, but Cardiff still have a number of players I’ve heard of! Those who didn’t make the trip perhaps.
LikeLike
Although … where’s Nick? Think he’s on the bench.
LikeLike
Cardiff having nightmare line-outs. Almost worse than Ulster.
LikeLike
@tomp I think Pivac’s coached Fiji before. FWIW I think he’ll do well and will benefit from not having his team cleared out once they get successful. Bit worried about Byron Hayward as defence coach though…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cardiff get the try at the death of the first half, and it’s 13 all.
LikeLike
“Now we might have the weakest back row amongst the tier one nations….”
A mix of injury (Leavy/Conan) and lack of form will do that for you…..Stander was good enough at the RWC but has been fairly ordinary last season for Ireland and Munster. O’Donoghue at Munster hasn’t come through (yet) – a season at 7, then one at 6 followed by one as #8 hasn’t helped. My impression was Murphy I isn’t yet settled at Ulster …. and consensus seems to be that POM is shot or needs a rest…
Ruddock was unfortunate – always plays well for Ireland but always seemed to be 2nd choice…no matter who 1st choice is…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Trisk – re your Ruddock comment: I have immense sympathy for those players. I’ve heard through the grapevine that there’s a similar situation for Stuart McCloskey: he’s always the one that just doesn’t quite make the Ireland team-sheet, because there are two ahead of him. It must be pretty heart-breaking to go to camp, through training with all the others, and then get sent home.
LikeLiked by 1 person
FBC, Didn’t know that. Fiji I’d imagine is a whole different kettle of troubles. I’ve got some optimism as well. Would like a couple of massive tight forwards to help ease Pivac into the job.
Was interested in his surname and found out he has Croatian (and Scottish) heritage. Google took me to this great headline – https://www.croatiaweek.com/croat-helps-wales-to-six-nations-rugby-title/
LikeLiked by 4 people
Oh, and I do think POM needs a rest too!
LikeLike
Ruddock’s a top player.
LikeLike
Absolutely cracking break from Morgan ends in a heart-breaking forward pass.
LikeLike
@tomp great find. Agree re the tight 5. He did bring Beirne through at the Scarlets so he does have some pedigree there. Sarries will hopefully tune up Carre for us and Francis held SA when Cole couldn’t. We have plenty of hookers, Dee and Elias are a good combo. Second row cupboard looks a bit bare, there’s a promising one who’s gone to Exeter, Christ Tshiunze I think, but he’s eligible for England and France too.
LikeLike
The Guardian player ratings from today are mad, they gave Le Roux and Daly the same score…
LikeLiked by 2 people
I like that kid’s name. He’s really young, though, 18 or 19. I suppose Beard took some time to come through despite being rated as a schoolkid. Would that Thornton could do the same.
It’s a shame Jason Jenkins at the Bulls – a fine player – got a cap for the Boks. He’s got the name and the game.
LikeLike
I’ve a lot of time for Ruddock and could see him playing in the 6N. I’d rather have him than POM.
Jordi Murphy is a handy player but he’s not top, top.
Maybe Max Deegan will step up and do so quickly but, after that, the highest potential back row players we have who weren’t at the World Cup* are all kids. Scott Penny, Caelan Doris, John Hodnett, Jack O’Sullivan, maybe Martin Moloney.
*aside from Leavy, who is/was absolutely top tier, but dog knows what happens with him now
LikeLike
I would HATE to be a Blues supporter. The agony.
LikeLike
Jason Harries is slower than Robshaw.
What a shameful showing from nearly all.
Dead.club.
LikeLike
Yeah…McCloskey….whatever it was.. he didn’t enthuse Schmidt. Let’s see if that changes under Farrell….
Certainly Schmidt was hugely loyal to Henshaw ( good and all that he is) but Henshaw has twice been rushed back… vs England in 6N and vs NZ in RWC. Didn’t work either time and a good player was embarrassed by being played out of position or lacking sharpness
LikeLike
Anyone ever had a lumb injury that migrates steadily away from the actual damage in terms of pain? I’ve numb toes and my ankle is killing me when I know through medical evidence I’ve fecked my knee, which seems much less painful.
If I jump off the roof and screw my ankle will it get better and make my elbow hurt?
Stupid old body.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Limb not lumb.
LikeLike
Meh.
Worth a try . . ………
LikeLike
For Dova……
LikeLiked by 2 people
Just don’t do this…….
(Again)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Anyone ever had a lumb injury that migrates steadily away from the actual damage in terms of pain? I’ve numb toes and my ankle is killing me when I know through medical evidence I’ve fecked my knee, which seems much less painful.
Not a doctor, Dov, so I doubt I can be very helpful. However, when you were diagnosed, did the attending physician look at your ankle as well?
Maybe you just haven’t noticed that there were more injuries than you thought?
Another possibility is you’ve walking, hobbling, crawling or slithering in an odd way that is affecting your ankle.
I would suggest another trip to your physician.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah well, its after midnight, so time for some JJ.
Toodles.
LikeLike
Dov – just tough it out. Never hurt anyone doing that.
Or… Go to a fecking doctor you loon.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ll tough it out over the weekend. I’m not going to a and e to mix with idiots who injured themselves on the booze over the weekend. Bunch of time wasting tools.
Nah, seriously they checked the whole leg so I suspect I’m getting some delayed pain from mild bruising or just stiffness from hobbling funny.
I’ve put my running shoes on which seems to be helping.
Never again.
LikeLike
Seen a few tweets from England players saying what a great time they’ve had. That’s what it’s all about. Hope they carry that team spirit forward.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Anyone got ideas for team of te tournament?
15. B. Barrett
14. Smith B.
13. etc
LikeLike
World Rugby Awards being doled out now – 7z player was Jerry Tuwai of Fiji. Breakthrough player, Romain Ntamack. He wasn’t there so the killer of French rugby Bernie Laporte collected if for him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Jamie Heaslip gets some award for something. He’s the new Gus Pichot or something.
LikeLike
*shudder*
LikeLike
This is an interesting documentary:
LikeLiked by 1 person
Men’s Player of the Year Award goes to Pieter Steph du Toit.
The video for the American hooker lad was just him scoring loads of tries off driving mauls.
LikeLike
Women’s award is to Emily Scarratt of England.
LikeLike
Imagine my surprise on switching on BT Sport and finding the Worcs and Chiefs game. Slightly earlier than the 19.45 kick off advertised above….
LikeLike
This has been brewing for a few months now, it was apparently embargoed until after the RWC final, but Sarries are facing a 35 point penalty reduction for alleged breaches of the salary cap
https://www.rugbypass.com/news/saracens-facing-potential-35-point-reduction-and-a-real-threat-of-relegation
LikeLike
Who to support?
Hogg or Wee Duncy.
LikeLike
LikeLiked by 5 people
BB – sorry! I did think that was an odd time for a Sunday match. I’ll fix it.
LikeLike
Ticht, financial doping, according to that. If they’re guilty then throw the book at them.
Plus if they were property companies (which I think at least one was) adding to the house price crisis in the SE of England.
LikeLike
“Wray was listed with Companies House as a director alongside players such as Owen Farrell, Richard Wigglesworth and the Vunipola brothers in companies Faz Investments Ltd, Wiggy9 Investments Limited and VunProp Ltd.”
If it only was the 1 April.
LikeLike
Fuck, that would be terrible for English rugby.
Quick, change/remove the rules!
LikeLike
Good win for Exeter away at Worcs…………….20 – 24 (17 – 10 at HT).
Future England 9 Jack Maunder (the elder) opened the tries for Exeter. He represented England at U18s level and was on the England tour to Argentina. Got badly injured now back and fit.
Younger brother Sam has represented England at U16, U18 and U20s levels. Quite a pair.
LikeLike
Still hungover and a bit drunk. Love you all.
LikeLiked by 5 people
steady, now…………
LikeLike
“Hogg or Wee Duncy.”
How is Duncy pronounced? The same as Valley’s slang for a condom – dunky, or being stupid – duncy?
LikeLike
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,educational here, or what?
LikeLike
Hard C.
LikeLike