Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
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A small story about how the constellations swirl.
We have close friends I got to know when first arriving in Germany as a troubled soul in 1994. It wasn’t always smooth sailing but we’ve done a fair few holidays together and see each other on a regular basis.
They reached breaking this year while caring for his parents, who lived in the upper floor of the family house they shared. His father has dementia issues and cancerous facial tumors, his mother is chronically obese. Our friend has no love for his parents because they were always critical, needy, ungrateful and demanding before these traits became a bigger problem when they needed care and supervision 24/7. They exhausted themselves caring for them while being wracked with guilt for not feeling emotionally engaged or appreciated.
The sun came out in September when by luck they found a place for his parents in a care home that became available unexpectedly. It costs an arm and a leg, but the burden of care was relieved.
Meanwhile at the beginning of this year on a drunken evening we agreed to take a holiday with them in the Azores, a place they liked a lot. Booked last February and due in 2 weeks.
And then the falling started. Their beloved cat Luigi crawled home on Friday with a messily fractured front leg. Luigi is about 8 cat years old, and in his prime. So Luigi has been operated on and is housebound at sea-level for 6 weeks, it cost them 2000 Euros. They have converted a room on the parents floor so the cat cannot go out nor climb on anything. Luigi is immobilised by being wrapped in the equivalent of a baby-sling with a leg in plaster.
And then today his father, just like Luigi, has taken a great fall in the care home and badly fractured his upper leg, so another crisis springs forth.
So our friends can’t take the holiday they were looking forward so much too, and we can’t cancel the holiday that we only agreed to to be with them, even though we knew we couldn’t afford another holiday for the foreseeable future.
Marvellous.
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Iks – eurgh, bad luck. Don’t suppose you have any travel insurance that might cover it?
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That is a terrible shame Mr Iks, but just go anyway, we don’t get a second chance at all this and, as the cliche almost goes, it’s better to regret spending money than regret not spending it.
You’ll have a lovely time, I’m sure.
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Iks – you can reflect when ready and know you have done the right thing………take he holiday and enjoy and re-enjoy it with your friends, but not too much.
Their time will come when they can get a break that suits them.
I think that way your friendship will only get stronger in the long run
ps is there any way of arranging for someone to care temporarily for the cat?
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That box kick isn’t getting charged down
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Cheers. It’s helpful to write stuff down as we are going up hill and down dale about cancelling or not. Mrs.Iks is desperate for a holiday after being worked off her feet this year, but left to our own devices we wouldn’t as a couple have chosen a destination with Autumnal weather and stopover flights to get there, including a 6am departure from here to kick it off.
I don’t know. We are sleeping on it but cancellation involves one of us concocting a reason to get a doctor’s certification to start the insurance process rolling. We are covered to a certain extent by the credit card we used to pay for everything, but it’s all separate bookings for 3 different hotels, flights, airport parking and car hire, so lots of work.
I think you guys are right that we’ll enjoy and make the most of it, but it feels frustrating somehow to be in this peculiar situation. Probably not the best metaphor but it’s like being invited to a wedding that was cancelled, but going anyway because we’ve made all the arrangements.
@Slade, unfortunately not. The irony is that in the past their parents might have taken over the cat care, but not anymore. Luigi has to be housebound and prevented from doing anything that would impact the broken up leg. They’ve used an empty room on the parents floor with only the cat’s bed, toilet and food in it, plus a mattress for one of them to sleep on, so nothing he can climb onto and jump down from for about 6 weeks!
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Let’s see how things look in the morning. Night all.
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Bad luck iks. Take the holiday as others have said. Drink twice as much booze to make up for your friends not being there.
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I believe a ball should only be considered ‘in a ruck’ if it’s in contact with a player on the ground. That would stop the ridiculousness seen above.
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@Ticht – well that’s rather wonderful.
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Turns out she’s a great talker as well. There’s a very funny line near the end.
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According to the Daily Fail, Joe Marler made 1m from 7 carries in the whole of the World Cup. Does that redefine a Robshaw?
Morning all!
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LC-D and George have pretty impressive tournament stats – very good, very modern hookers, the pair of them:
Luke Cowan-Dickie – 7
Matches: 6; Minutes: 151; Metres: 52 from 20 carries; Tackles: 18; Tries: 3
Jamie George – 8
Matches: 5; Minutes: 317; Metres: 43 from 20 carries; Tackles: 42; Tries: 1
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Been reading a lot of the UK coverage of the Final and the way forward, with much (positive) emphasis on the relative youth of the England squad. Had a look at the orginial Bok 31 to see if we were an ‘end of era’ side, but only 5 of the squad are over 30 and 2 are 30, being Vermeulen (33), Louw (34), Brits (38!), Beast (34), Nyakane (30), Steyn (32) and Willie le Roux (30).
The first four I imagine won’t play on much, with the biggest challenge being replacing Vermeulen – not really a like for like around on that score. Plenty of decent flankers around and no shortage of hookers either – with Joseph Dweba at the Cheetahs really looking the part too.
Beast has been immense and probably ended two England stalwarts careers with defining displays (Phil Vickery in ’09 and Dan Cole this last weekend). In Steven Kitshoff we have a great replacement and Nyakane could go back to loosehead too. Lots of other options there.
Steyn and le Roux have done well for SA over the years without really consistently being world class or feared game breakers. Should have enough stock to cover them.
11 of the squad are 26 or younger, so will be approaching peak age/experience by 2023, with most of the rest in the 26-29 bracket being tight forwards, which is pleasing. Of course four years is a helluva long way away, but if Rassie and his team at SA Rugby can manage things properly and retain as much of the emerging talent as possible, we could have a very decent team come 2023. I suppose much will depend on who replaces him as coach. Nobody really kicking down the door at the moment from within SA. Johan Ackerman at Glos?
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It was great to see Big Trev in the stands cheering on the boys on Saturday and then dancing on the field after the game. Lizo Gqoboka is a fine prop as well. SA should pick Schoeman in a squad too just to show the NH.
Willemse should play a lot more in the next few years and some of those young guys at the Lions – Simelane, Green, Gianni and Manny Raas – are good.
The players are there, were always there, but Rassie really did a super job with the coaching.
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So what you’re saying deebs is that SA are entering a period at the very top table of world rugby. Just like for the majority of forever?
There was a period of very poor coaching and you have suffered some player drain for sure but SA produces a high volume of quality. You’ll be a top 3 side far more often than not.
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Well look at all that saffa depth
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Beast seems to have been around at the top level for an age. Amazing how he’s kept up the consistency over time.
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@TomP – there is a lot of talent coming through. As ever, it needs the proper coaching and mentoring though, which isn’t something we’ve had a lot of in the recent past (until Rassie). Hopefully his oversight role means that whoever replaces him as coach will keep his meticulous attention to detail.
@Dova – what I was trying to get at initially (but clumsily) was that it’s not just England who have a lot of youngsters who have at least another WC cycle left in them. I get the impression that over the last decade it’s become a younger man’s game at the top table, with many players and teams sporting a clutch of very good, very young players, including in the tight five which was always the preserve of more ‘mature’ players? As usual, my musings rambled on without much coherence or direction – a bit like the Allister Coetzee era!
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Chimpie, I was reading an interview with him last week, where he recalled how his dad was dead set against him coming to SA to try his luck as a pro rugby player. His father told him that ‘the giants in South would destroy him’, which simply served to galvanise him. He’s been an absolute rock for us.
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Deebs – it’s amazing how young he is. I thought that he was closer to my age. Absolute wrecker of hopes and dreams.
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By closer to my age, I thought he was 2 years older.
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Dov, am not sure they will dominate as much as NZ did for the 2011-2019 period. Rassie had the players together for a long time this year and that’s not going to be in place for the next coach as 5 of the starting backs from Saturday’ll be in Japan or Europe and a good number of the 14 forwards’ll be playing abroad as well.
New coaches at 2, maybe 3, of the Super Rugby franchises as well. That’s one of the thing Erasmus should probably aim for as well getting a more uniform way of playing.
I think the top 6 or 7 teams are all fairly near each other at the moment. If you don’t pitch up for a game, though, you can get a scoreboard hiding.
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Just sat in a District Line train watching The Death of Stalin on my phone surrounded by members of the Russian national fencing team.
Can’t say that’s ever happened to me before.
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@Deebee: I think the point with the age of the England side is that we England fans finally have some cause for optimism after two world cups in the doldrums, and really 16 years of disappointment after our world cup win in 2003. Since 2003, England really have under-performed woefully for the amount of player resources available. Other sides are going to be good as well, but it’s nice not to have to be starting from scratch again, and (for us England fans) to hope that we might have a side that can start to build an aura around it in the way that Woodward’s side did.
Of course, there’s also every chance that they will carry on choking the big games, as they did on Saturday, and in Dublin in 2011, Cardiff in 2013, RWC in 2015 etc etc.
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I’m not sure how the other English posters feel but I want Eddie to stay till the next rwc.
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Dab – I don’t think we will be starting from scratch tbh. We’ll evolve but no need to go back to the drawing board.
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Feck – sorry dab misread your comment.
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I think I’d rather keep Eddie until the next world cup, but no strong feelings. I always think that a head coach’s most important job is team selection, and I’m not sure that Eddie’s has been as good as it could be. He persisted with Hartley for too long, and then there’s the whole Daly at FB thing.
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Dab – for me it was the scrum half thing. Which manifested itself at the weekend. I think Eddie is more than capable of rectifying these issues though.
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Bring back Wigglesworth!
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Check the schedule. Get Eddie in for NZ in the knockout rounds or SA in the group stage.
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TomP – I don’t think we’ll dominate like New Zealand did at all. Next season we’ve got a good chance to use the nucleus of this side to snatch another 4N title, but in 2021 the Lions roar into town and that’ll be a massive test of depth and ability for us. But we also know that the Kiwis will be wounded and desperate to bounce back next season and they have the players to do it. Still not sure why Hansen picked the side he did for the semi.
Australia and Argentina have a huge rebuild to do right now and I’m not sure either will be up to it, frankly. England can definitely build on this tournament, but need to sort out 9, 10/12 and 15 mainly. I think in hindsight both Jones and Hansen believed too much in the depth of their squads and the adaptability of players. Both tinkered too much with players, positions and roles, especially in the backs (but Hansen also with S Barrett at flank – it was a plank of a decision).
Wales have a core of battle-hardened players and won’t be a rollover despite the perennial Eeyore-ing of the fans (here excepted, natch, bach). Ireland should have enough, but I’m really not sure anymore? Excellent club form but can’t translate that to the biggest stage, almost exactly opposite of what the Boks have done, whilst Scotland, for me, will forever be tantalisingly close without being able to tick enough boxes in enough positions to sustain a major campaign.
France? Who knows? The Top 14 grind is routinely blamed for their crap Test form, but lunatic selection policies make England and the Kiwis look dull. Hopefully they can build something, but they need to stop thinking out of the box for a change! Can Japan kick on from this amazing tournament? Can Fiji get enough game time for their magnificently talented players to finally shine? Will one of these break into the top five of the rankings – not sure they get enough match time, to be fair.
All said and done, the Boks are in a good space, but not out of sight by any means and may come crashing back to earth with a thud as easily as they may go on an extended run at Number 1 – and the likes of New Zealand, England, possibly Wales and France, maybe Ireland will be champing at the bit to knock them off their perch.
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@Dab – you’re spot on about being optimistic. No quibbles here.
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Interesting that Eddie has said: “Some guys will lose desire, some guys will lose fitness, some guys will get injuries and there’ll be young guys come through. So this team is finished now. There will be a new team made. We’ll make a new team for the Six Nations and that new team for the Six Nations will be the basis of going to the next World Cup.”
I see what he’s doing, but it seems a shame to bin all that team spirit that had apparently developed.
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Some guys will lose desire – Cole, Marler, Youngs?
some guys will lose fitness – Tuilangi? (thinking injury induced)
some guys will get injuries – one or both Vunipolas (given the batterings they take), Heinz?
there’ll be young guys come through – already have the kamikaze kids
Who else likely to be jettisoned?
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Lawes will 34 by the next WC, but still obviously has a future for a season or two at least. Piers Francis I’m assuming will be out due to ‘young guys coming through’, Johnny May will be the wrong side of 33 by France ’23, whihc probably sees him losing enough gas to miss out?
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@DAB I think he’s just preparing people for the change of the players we already expect to move on – I can’t imagine the core will change much (other than maybe resting some of the more established guys like Farrell/Itoje in the 6n to see what depth is there, wouldn’t surprise me to see someone like Marcus Smith or Joe Simmonds in the 6N squad). The spine of the team (George, Itoje, Curry, Underhill, Farrell, Manu) will be around for the next cycle and I think the highs and lows of this RWC will have forged some pretty deep bonds. At the very least we seem to be in a much healthier place than post the last 2!
That said if Eddie stepped down I don’t think it would be the worst timing given the change going on for everyone else (although really not sure who would be a suitable replacement?!)
On another note I think Farrell was unlucky not to be in the player of the year nominees – he dragged Sarries over the line in the Heine and Prem finals this year, was hugely influential in the victory in Dublin and led us to a world cup final (and was one of our better players in that final although obviously wasn’t amazing just like everyone else!).
I know PSDT was one of the players of the tournament but has he been exceptional outside of it (didn’t see super rugby this year so can’t comment)?
Feels like it was based off the RWC and not the year as a whole.
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FFB – du Toit has been immense all year. Both for a woeful Stormers outfit and the Boks. One of the first names on the teamsheet these days.
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Ah cool, probably deserved then!
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Eddie’s preparing the ground for a new captain and number 8 now Farrell and the Vunipolas are looking at a stretch for fraud – or whatever they’re accused of.
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@deebee
“Ireland should have enough, but I’m really not sure anymore? ”
I’d be thinking that more might rest on how Farrell manages as a head coach rather than as an assistant.
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“or whatever they’re accused of”
Murder, I heard.
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“I believe a ball should only be considered ‘in a ruck’ if it’s in contact with a player on the ground. That would stop the ridiculousness seen above.”
And, let the 9 fluff about with the ball using his boot, but as soon as he touches it with his hands, the ball in in play, FFS.
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@Slade – Anyone got ideas for team of the tournament?
15. B. Barrett – still the best in the business;
14. Cheslin Kolbe – showed what he can do every time he got the ball;
13. Manu (?) Goodhue (?) – Am was also excellent defensively and reads well, but not as good attacking;
12. Damian De Allende – pivotal to the Boks defensively and gets over the gain line constantly;
11. Josh Adams (leading try scorer, great tournie), Makazole Mapimpi (1 less, has improved hugely this year);
10. Handre Pollard or Owen Farrell?
9. A Smith – just a bit more consistent than Faf
8. Billy V almost gets there, but Vermeulen more influential overall;
7. (Blindside) PS du Toit has to be the man – is Leitch there too? Massive World Cup;
6. Tom Curry or Ardie Savea?
5. AWJ just ahead of Lood de Jager, Lawes, Kruis?
4. Itoje,
3. Sinckler – Malherbe was great in the scrums but not much else mostly. Kiwis can’t scrum, Dillon Lewis put in a good shift for Wales – can’t recall the Irish or French TH doing much. Does Australia have one?
2. Competitive area – Mbonambi, Marx, George, LC-D, Coltman, Coles, Owens, Shota Horie all bloody good;
1. BEAST! Kitsoff as understudy;
There. Not parochial at all.
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“And, let the 9 fluff about with the ball using his boot, but as soon as he touches it with his hands, the ball in in play”
A pet hate of mine is where “back foot” is taken from a player who’s no longer on his feet but his long legs stick out the back of the ruck … I’d be wanting to take back foot from a player on his feet correctly bound in…
(now like all these bright ideas …. it’s probably impossible to ref that in practice at full game speed)
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15. B. Barrett – outside half failure. Deluxe Hook. Tidy full back. Also, don’t forget Ron
14. Cheslin Kolbe – give it to him
13. Manu (?) Goodhue (?) – I like both and Am was really good in an understated way. Big shout out to my boy Lafaele for the offloadz
12. Damian De Allende – yes
11. Josh Adams (leading try scorer, great tournie), Makazole Mapimpi (1 less, has improved hugely this year); –
both good although Adams was given a torrid time by the excellent Radrada. Both Japan wingers also VERY good
10. Handre Pollard or Owen Farrell? – not the latter. Good in the quarter at 10, didn’t think he was great at 12 other times
9. A Smith – just a bit more consistent than Faf – Faf, Nagare were both better than Smith
8. Billy V almost gets there, but Vermeulen more influential overall; – probably in the right order
7. (Blindside) PS du Toit has to be the man – is Leitch there too? Massive World Cup; – PSdT by a country mile. Underhill good as were Wainwright and Savea
6. Tom Curry or Ardie Savea? – yes
5. AWJ just ahead of Lood de Jager, Lawes, Kruis? – Itoje + any of the 4 BOK LOCKS is the correct answer
4. Itoje,
3. Sinckler – Malherbe was great in the scrums but not much else mostly. Kiwis can’t scrum, Dillon Lewis put in a good shift for Wales – can’t recall the Irish or French TH doing much. Does Australia have one? – Alaalatoa was good but no one remembers anything Australia did apart from their coach being a BAD loser
2. Competitive area – Mbonambi, Marx, George, LC-D, Coltman, Coles, Owens, Shota Horie all bloody good; – George, if I had to pick. Also Horie because I like him
1. BEAST! Kitsoff as understudy; –
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