Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Yos, it was the other winger Tuisova who did for Josh early on. Radrada made all our lads look a bit silly. I’d go for him at 13.
Adam’s came back well v Fiji and got his hat-trick. Agree about the Japanese wingers. Box office players.
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Hmmm
No Irish, Scottish, Australian or French……………………………..
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Nice to see Nic white enjoying his club rugby:
https://www.exeterchiefs.co.uk/
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….after 32 phases!
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______ _ __ __
| ___ \ | | \ \ / /
| |_/ / _ __ _| |__ _ _ \ V /
| / | | |/ _` | ‘_ \| | | | / \
| |\ \ |_| | (_| | |_) | |_| | / /^\ \
\_| \_\__,_|\__, |_.__/ \__, | \/ \/
__/ | __/ |
|___/ |___/
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Hoi boi yosoy! What’s that then?
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‘Rugby X’
Sounds like something only over 18s should be watching
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maybe the Bristol Bears play it.
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I thought the Japanese 8 went well in all the games he played in.
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Yes. He’d be even better at Rugby X.
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Anyway, that up there was meant to be ascii art but it’s gone wrong and ruined my Rugby X logo
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That Koroibete fella had be blurting ‘wow!’ more than once (while watching him score tries, Karl).
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me, not be.
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Slade, just sent think of any players from those sides who were in the top two in their position. I’d happily pick most of the Japanese backline behind most of the Springbok pack, but players from the two semifinals probably were best over the tournie.
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*Can’t think….
but you all knew that already.
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Chimpie – do you think that the Nude Blacks (terrible name) would make an appearance?
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If you don’t know who the Nude Blacks are just Google it and click on the first video. You can trust your friendly local Craigsman that it’ll be fine.
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DeeBee – is there an implication that the top 4/5 teams possess killer players that others don’t, or have a greater ‘team’ ethic where the sum is greater than the parts (Wales, Japan)? ot finding the right words here but there must be a necessary combination of skill, desire, fitness/strength and team ethic to be truly successful. All 4 must be present in the best.
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Reflecting back on Gats and Wales, it is interesting how he hauled novices with potential into the Welsh camp early, presumably to develop them and work on their game to fast-track them into the squad in an attempt to address the lack of player depth. Didn’t always work out of course, but it underlines how we struggle to find players through the Regional set up, or simply through Welsh demographics – the Valleys are hardly a thriving breeding ground anymore.
And finding good locks is not in our DNA, literally. AWJ being almost unbreakable has been great, but it shows how bare the cupboard is there.
Moving on we seem ok up front, at 9, the back 3 and back row. But in the second row and at 10, 12 and 13 things look a bit sparse.
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*Holiday Update*
We’ve decided to just let it be and make the most of it, in line with the wisdom of Ovally Balls.
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Bringing through local talent with that CVC money.
Wait until I tell the Welsh ladz what we’re spending our CVC money on.
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Holidays in the Azores with Iks?
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Slade – not necessarily, just looking at the teams at the business end they seemed to have the best players and combos, which is why they got there I suppose. Individuals from other sides were good or better, but would you put them in a TOTT?
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To put it another way, you could come up with a robust, jizztastic Pro-pleasing side that ticks all the boxes on paper, but would almost certainly get stuffed in reality.
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Gay Byrne RIP
Best remembered by me for his efforts to belittle Annie Murphy, the mother of the child fathered by Bishop Eamonn Casey. At least it inspired that great comic character Bishop Len Brennan.
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Good on ya Iks! Go (Ovally) Balls to the wall!
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@DeeBee
Otherwise known as Scotland…..
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Yos, would have preferred if de Allende went to Japan and improved his handling.
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“Holidays in the Azores with Iks?”
You wish. Especially if I have control of the mixtapes.
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But on reflection a mixtape must be an impossibility in the world of Prog?
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Mixtapes? You going on holiday in the 80s then?
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In fact, we have here exclusive footage of Iks on holiday with his mixtape!
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In other news, An expat acquaintance of mine told me that ZDF, sort of German BBC2, were filming a Reportage at his Heidelberg rugby club last weekend.
Seems there has been a brewing crisis about the treatment of refs in the football lower leagues, especially in and around Berlin, culminating in episodes of fans and players assaulting refs during or after games. Seems the last straw was a ref being airlifted to hospital after an assault, and refs going on strike as a result.
The thrust of the reportage is around how referees are treated differently in rugby, highlighted by the RWC which gained some tv traction in Germany. So they wanted to do some grassroots research about why refs are treated so differently between rugby and football.
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Deebee, he’s off to Japan to learn to improve his handling, then away to Limerick to unlearn it all.
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I think there is far better communication between players and ref in rugby than there is in football. I don’t know if that’s because of the nature of the relative games. Rugby has tackles, rucks, mauls, lineouts and scrums – all times where the ref is talking to the players (or in Nige’s case, practising his one-liners). There just isn’t that opportunity in football – I’ve seen umpteen occasions when a player seems to be wondering what he’s done wrong and isn’t getting any feedback.
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@BB – It is though certainly possible to play football and be respectful of the referee. And I’d be fairly confident that if you’re prepared to go back far enough it was possible at the top level too.
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Yup. We need more like this guy in the modern game….
http://www.scotzine.com/legends-of-scotland/tom-%E2%80%98tiny%E2%80%99-wharton-obe/
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This is nearly as wrong as that not-a-ruck photo.
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That Cliff song is a step up from some of your earlier 3 minute pop stinkers, BB!
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Thaum, the Johnson watching the Final picture tweet is another that raised more questions than answers.
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Ooh, I missed that one, TomP. Although I did see him wearing the brand-new England Rugby shirt straight out of the packaging.
And of course we all remember his tackle on a poor wee Japanese lad.
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Shirt and shirt combo – very Bannonesque – on show in it again:
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@tomp
It’s quite obvious that the dog ‘s real owner is sat to the right of the camera.
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Ha, what OT said.
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Why is the silly fucker sitting onna hard floor with the wall lights on?
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The daft thing is that Spaffer probably *does* genuinely support England Rugby. But they had to get a photo op in that makes it all look wrong.
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The only Cliff song that would be anywhere near a ‘step up’ would have been Devil Woman. Probably the only decent song he’s done in about 60 years.
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“Why is the silly fucker sitting onna hard floor with the wall lights on?”
That’s the sort of question you’d expect one of those disrespectul lower league Brandenburg footballers to use.
A rugby spieler would ask:
“Why is the Rt. Hon. silly fucker sitting onna hard floor with the wall lights on?”
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I’m long of the opinion that Summer Holiday the movie is a prescient warning about the Yugoslav Civil Wars of the early 1990s.
Also, a nice nod to The Wizard of Oz at the beginning of the film.
Probably the best ever British film with a double decker in a leading role.
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My sporting hero is a friend of a friend who got a Double Blue from Cambridge in golf and cricket. I was in The White Hart Tap pub with him in St Albans one time playing the arrows and he threw a 180. The landlord of the boozer heard our cries of delight and asked what he’d done. We told him and he congratulated my boy.
And that landlord, ladies and gentlemen, was Mr Melvyn Hayes, star of Summer Holiday and frequent guest star on Here Come the Double Deckers.
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