Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
‘Miss you Nights’, was as good as a top Elton John ballad, and easily post 60s Cliff’s best song. ‘We Don’t Talk Anymore’ was better than Devil Woman. Is the ‘Day I Met Marie’ more than 60 years old?
Has BB lured me into a trap?
LikeLiked by 1 person
@tomp
Meeting Melvyn Hayes must have been really cool. Plus you’d be meeting someone who knew Brinsley Forde from Assad. Even cooler.
LikeLike
*ahem, Aswad
LikeLike
Well, now you’ve confirmed that your Azores mixtape would consist solely of Cliff Richard……
LikeLike
@Iks – I’m not sure ‘lured’ is the right term. Stood by while you built a trap and walked into it?
LikeLiked by 3 people
BB is very cunning though, CMW.
LikeLike
The Day I Met Marie hasn’t aged well, in fairness. I stand by the assertions.
LikeLike
…other assertions.
LikeLike
…pronounced ‘Azaleas’
LikeLike
I see Iks is now wittering on about plants, as well as Cliff. He’ll be thinking the Dragons play rugby next…..
LikeLike
LikeLike
LikeLiked by 5 people
Imagine Andy Powell but shorter and South African:
https://tinyurl.com/y3enmqo5
LikeLike
@ot
“Best remembered by me for his efforts to belittle Annie Murphy”
Probably his worst moment – in general when handling these controversial topics he was sympathetic and encouraged openness. Unfortunately – not in this case. Only thing I can think is that he either knew/liked Casey (who was popular and well-known ..and yeah…we’ve come a long way in 30+ years over here) and went from there. Not to say, Byrne wasn’t criticised for his approach
LikeLike
I rather liked Stephen Fry with Gay Byrne
LikeLiked by 3 people
Saracens docked 35 points for salary cap breach
LikeLiked by 2 people
“These are bona fide joint investments and we are certain that is fine. “[The payments] have all been declared and i really don’t think this is payment by any other means. There is no subterfuge.”
LikeLike
All legit I’m sure. Cue appeal etc.
LikeLike
bona fide innit
LikeLike
I know someone who has dealt with Owen Paterson in a professional capacity, the word is to be used loosely as the professionalism was purely on one side. In their 40+ years of experience Paterson was the most idiotic, most slimey, least deserving of senior office, and furthest out of his depth my acquaintance has ever encountered, and they have met a few.
Because of this, I wasn’t in the least surprised to read this story https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/nov/05/brexiters-ireland-civil-war-troubled-past
LikeLiked by 2 people
Poor old Owen Farrell. He’s still trying to find out where Cheslin Kolbe went and this’ll only hamper the investigation.
LikeLiked by 4 people
At risk of sliding down a brexity hole ticht, some of these ERG types are the worst kind of arrogant, entitled blustering ignoramuses around. This kind of bilge is par for the course with them.
LikeLike
SBW to, err, Toronto
LikeLike
£5m fine for sarries too.
LikeLike
Saracens now on -26,
Northampton top of the log. I’m sure Dov will manage to find a downside in this.
LikeLike
LikeLike
they’ll still finish above Irish and Tigers:
https://www.bbc.com/sport/rugby-union/english-premiership/table
LikeLiked by 1 person
In a post WC season, if Saints and Bristol get up a head of steam they’ll be tough to beat.
Exeter vs Bistol this coming weekend should be interesting………………………..
LikeLike
ha!………Lunchtime O’Booze has come into play………….back to your desks now,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
LikeLike
The 31 pence is the real kicker.
LikeLiked by 3 people
“Poor old Owen Farrell. He’s still trying to find out where Cheslin Kolbe went and this’ll only hamper the investigation.”
When Kolbe received that pass, I recall thinking Dammit, why can’t he get the ball with a little space to work with instead of boxed in all the time….
LikeLiked by 2 people
You’d have to have a heart is stone not to laugh at Series.
LikeLike
Heart *of* stone
*Sarries*
Mind, this fun will likely be short-lived, their lawyers will get them off I expect. Hope not of course.
LikeLike
Oh, my sides!
LikeLike
The least likeable team in the Prem just got exponentially more less likeable.*
*back off Grammar Police.
LikeLike
@avs
Much more readable
LikeLiked by 1 person
Avs, It’s a wonderful finish but the play by Am to wait wait wait before flicking the ball back to du Toit was very good as well.
This doesn’t show that but is cool enough:
LikeLike
Here it is:
LikeLiked by 2 people
Kolbe really is great to watch
LikeLike
Tom Curry’s only 21?
thought he was older.
LikeLike
Apart from Faz…..interesting wide defense of Cole, Marler and Billy V. Your granny might run past them towards the end of a match.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Funi Billypola looked beaten up and weary not getting anywhere near Kolbe.
LikeLike
To be fair, * all of the defenders in that clip look stuffed. On any other day Faz wouldn’t be hanging out a despairing arm, waving Kolbe through, he’d be going full no-arms shoulder.**
* if we must
** too soon?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hmm, I’ve just spotted a commenter on the Graun called DaveFromDaveland. D’ye think it’s someone who lurks here?
LikeLike
Hmm, I’ve just spotted a commenter on the Graun called DaveFromDaveland.
Is that one of the lesser known, smaller sub-Saharan African countries?
LikeLike
Nah – I suspect it’s a Brexity Home County.
LikeLike
/rant mode: on
The complete fucking irony of these Brexiters going on about the lack of democratic accountability in the EU, where each of the 28 countries (and, in some cases, regions like Wallonia) has a veto on any major legislation, compared to the UK where two of the four constituent nations voted against Brexit and get completely ignored….
/rant mode: off (for the time being)
LikeLiked by 3 people
“Tom Curry’s only 21?
“thought he was older.”
Ben Curry’s the older one.
LikeLike
thaum,
I’m mostly annoyed by that utter wanker Jacob Rees-Mogg, the unspeakable Arron Banks and the whatever the fuck Andrew Bridgen is and their comments about the residents of Grenfell Tower.
LikeLike
TomP – I’m also annoyed by that, and the doctoring of Keir Starmer’s interview as well.
There is no end to the depths of Tory despicability.
LikeLiked by 1 person