Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Ticht – without wanting to be too snarky, how can you say that, on the one hand Scotland has the third largest party in the UK – which only those who live in Scotland can vote for (<10% of the UK population) – and on the other say that the smaller kingdoms in the union are represented unfairly?
Surely Scotland has more representation than is proportional?
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Yos – I’ve been to Belgium. Overrun with smurfs.
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It’s the
‘former astrologer who is considered the intellectual guru of Bolsonaro and his inner circle’
bit that gets me. Intellectual guru. Feck me.
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Yos, eldrly Swedish women can indeed shrink to the size of a pepperpot. I read lots about it.
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“Intellectual guru.”
Every generation needs a hero. Enter JBP.
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@chek
I think Ticht raises an important point. If Scotland just splits off from the UK and is immediately a separate and independent entity then that is a matter purely for them. However if there is to be some ongoing ‘deal’ that somehow puts some obligations onto those of us left behind then I’d a) want to know about it and b) want to vote on whether we accept those obligations or not. Therefore Sturgeon needs to explain to all of us what her plans are and have them tested.
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“Ticht – without wanting to be too snarky, how can you say that, on the one hand Scotland has the third largest party in the UK – which only those who live in Scotland can vote for (<10% of the UK population) – and on the other say that the smaller kingdoms in the union are represented unfairly? "
Craigs, did I say the smaller countries are represented unfairly?
I said they weren't being represented at all in the tv debates, I'm not sure that is the same thing. No one can say Labour or the Tories represent Scotland, they are both about to be wiped out there.
Others will have to speak for Wales and NornIrn
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Yes, the majority of the country can’t vote for the SNP. But there aren’t serious options to vote for many of the top 5 parties in a whole load of locations.
Ultimately in terms of MPs the SNP is currently 3rd largest.
If the debate is restricted to the 2 main parties then fairynuff, but if the LDs get representation with fewer total seats then why exclude the SNP?
These debates suck donkeybaws though.
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Ticht – it seemed to me that you were implicating a pattern of under representation. If I miss read, apologies.
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“Yes, the majority of the country can’t vote for the SNP. But there aren’t serious options to vote for many of the top 5 parties in a whole load of locations. ”
That’s a very good point, Llamachops, under the current system the election will be decided by a depressingly small number of seats
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“These debates suck donkeybaws though.”
This is also true – “I agree with Nick” anyone?
However these debates will drive a lot of the coverage, and the coverage will have an impact on the swing seats
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Craigs, we were told in the run up to IndyRef1 that things would change, that it was to be a true union of equals.
I can’t see that is the case, as we’ve talked about before here, it took Cameron until 7.30am the following mornng to begin to renege on that promise, it has continued through the Brexit debate and on to Westminster hanging on to powers that were supposedly going to be devolved after the EU debacle.
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It’s the shaft of all shafts
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Bring in PR I say.
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“Bring in PR I say.”
They even made a pig’s ear of that
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Ticht – I guess that’s a different thing then. Politicians lie all the time. The fact that it’s a Westminster based one doing it to a Scottish population is neither here nor their.
In the end I think that the SNP would, if in power, do similar. Can’t prove it but I have no evidence to refute it either.
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*there.
Ffs
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Carigs, my motivation for self-determination has actually got very little to do with England, nothing to do with the English, but quite a lot to do with Westminster
Just as an example, have a butcher’s at this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McCrone_report
I just want the Scottish people to choose their own direction, it doesn’t have to be an accrimonious split with greedy slavering snouts from both sides arguing over petty details and who gets what in a carve up. It can quite easily be a friendy parting of ways, with a government in Edinburgh fully representing the wishes of the Scottish electorate, without having to clear anything with London.
Scotland can join the EU if the electorate want to, and it seems they do, that might present a problem in terms of borders, but it can be worked out.
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@ticht
I’m rather taken with the Swiss model of Cantons, where each one basically runs itself and the national government just deals with all the pantomimes and pageantry and stuff. All parts of the UK could easily localise to this kind of level (even in England – South Lancashire, Central Lancashire, Cumbria, West Yorks, Northeast England, South Yorks, East Yorks etc etc). But our mutual friends in Westminster would never let that happen.
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Fairy nuff Ticht. Have to say that I’m just a bit skeptical that it will all be plain sailing for both entities.
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Anyone else watching series 2 of The End of the Fucking World? Love series 1.
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OT, Im not familiar with Switzerland, do they have the kind of disparity of wealth that we see next door to each other in London’s boroughs, or between, say Godalming and Hastings?
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Craigs, my ideal is that Scotland becomes its own liberal northern European democracy, but a member of the EU, whether that is a full member or a Norwegian-style member. That would be more representative of the way the electorate votes in Scotland than what is manefesting itself in Westminster.
I also think that if we achieve that, people in England will begin to wonder why they can’t have it, and that is the end of the neo-liberal project in England.
This might be pie in the sky, but I can’t think of another way out of ithis unless Corbyn wins in December, how likely is that?
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Really little idea what’s going to happen in this election. could be anything from a con landslide to a minority labour government. Don’t think the LDs will be much further forward than they are now.
SNP likely will increase no. of seats.
No idea about Norn Iron or Wales.
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@craigs. Not seen that.
I take it you think it’s good. What’s it aboot.
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Chimpie – it’s a kind of weird, teenage version of Thelma and Louise (but with a boy and a girl) on crack. Eight 20 min episodes. Short, but awesome. Last episode is something like 17 minutes. But it’s great imo.
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may have to give it a try. Need something new to while away a few moments of down time
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Do it!!!!
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Maybe
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Obviously the Tories are so far in front in the awful race they may as well be orbiting Sirius.
Brexit Party in dark space somewhere.
I have it on good authority Enzo that the Brexit Party has entered Uranus in search of a natural home.
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Not your actual er anus Enzo – dog forbid they don’t deserve so dashing an HQ – but you know what I mean.
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ENZOM has put me in mind of ZARDOZ. I’d vote for flying heads and Larry stoking revolution in a baggy nappie.
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He’d need a baggy nappy with the brexit party taking up residence in his fundament.
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Zardoz, now that was a, er, film.
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They don’t make ’em like that anymore, Chimpie.
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Evening , Eclectic Iks. Do you have any delightful tunes to help us over the post world cup blues ?
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Be careful what you wish for, Timmo.
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I almost joined in the Country music debate, with a few tunes you might describe as goth country, or something.
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I think Sturgeon should be in the debates because she’s likely to make more sense than anyone else.
Lib Dems managed to get only 12 MPs elected in 2017 – that’s only 2 more than the DUP. Should Arlene also be the debates? (Answer: NO! … of course.)
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test
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Well well, it worked
That was me in France 1990, with my car and my mate’s border collie pup.
The more observant among you will notice the Edin Accies socks, sans boots of any description for some reason.
I just wanted to test the posting site and I found that photo this afternoon so I thought I’d give it a shot
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@Tim, Tarnation / Paula Fraser, Bill Callahan, Decemberists etc. Down that street.
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Cool Ticht. I especially like how you leave the thumbs up to our imagination.
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This is how people in my neck of the woods dressed in 1990
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Cheers Iks, I have no recollection of that photograph and I didn’t know I had it, but I do know who took it.
That is tinged with sadness as she is no longer with us. She was beautiful, part-time model, part time forklift driver, she came over to work with me for a summer, purely platonic, we just had a great laugh together.
She set local hearts racing with her tight vest tops and tattoos.
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One time we were in a bar after work, it had started to get cold and she was wearing my bosses big jacket. I made a stupid joke and she laughed so hard she puked up the sleeve of the bosses coat.
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@Tim, while you are tired and disappointed, let me unashamedly promote my favourite singer once more on here.
When he called this song ‘Broken Horses’, he might have had England in mind?
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I’ve always wanted to drive a forklift. It looks like fun.
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I wish there’d been a photographer there when I headed out in the seventies with my brown cord flairs, wide-stripped cream and brown tanktop, rounded collar shirt and yellow platform shoes.
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Part time model and part time forklift driver sounds like the start of a life well lived.
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