Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
A Dedicated Follower Of Fashion!
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The main memorable thing about Milngavie is the attempts by English newsreaders to try and pronounce it.
The other memorable thing about Milngavie is that it is the start of the West Highland Way.
The final memorable thing about Milngavie is that it house the home of West Of Scotland rugby club.
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“houses the home of West of Scotland”
Sheesh!
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Nice picture, young Ticht! And obviously, nice dug too.
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Loving the turn ups Ticht.
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Those aren’t turnips, Craigs, those are my Edin Accies socks, with me jeans tucked into them
https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1227/8086/products/rugby-socks-edinburgh-accies-minis-rugby-socks-1_900x.jpg?v=1527719606
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I thought you might like the Duglet, BB. He was a very cute dog, not much of a worker but a very good pet. He got ill when he was just a wee bit older than that and remained very small.
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Beast Mtawarira has retired from international rugby. Tremendous career topped off by Saturday.
Speaking of which, 28 players have earned 60 or more caps for South Africa. 24 of those have won World Cups.
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Great career, well done The Beast.
What’s he up to now, Tom, is he off to make some big bucks elsewhere?
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Dunno. He’s supposed to be on a very good whack in Durban, ticht. Not sure if he’d need the hassle of playing Top14 for a couple of years, pleasant though it would be.
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pleasant though it would be to live in Montpellier or Bayonne or wherever.
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Beast Mtawarira has retired from international rugby.
Going out with a bang.
I wonder if he’d consider signing with the Arrows?
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To add to Ticht’s point earlier: I’ve had the dubious pleasure of perusing The LibDems’ eight-page election flyer, which proclaims on the cover that Jo Swinson is ‘Britain’s next Prime Minister’.
After the last three years of Brexity hell with Northern Ireland forcing itself into existence in the minds of Little Englanders, you’d think they’d have learnt the difference between the UK and Britain. But no.
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Just crossed my mind: do you think that the Saracens players might have had some inkling of the impending decision a week ago, and that it therefore affected their WC Final performance?
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“Just crossed my mind: do you think that the Saracens players might have had some inkling of the impending decision a week ago, and that it therefore affected their WC Final performance?”
Not really. The case was passed on to the Independent Review thingy in early September and the Premiership wanted it done by the start of the league season but then it was delayed until after the World Cup finished.
The word was out before the NZ game that the findings were not going to be issued until after the World Cup and there were whispers/indications that Saracens were going to get so it ought to have affected the England players in the semi final.
Might explain why Vincent Koch got smashed at that scrum just after he came on when the Boks had been dominant all night up to then?
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England not taking a scrum after the 25-phase attack and penalty after about 20 minutes was a key point of the game. I don’t think it was the wrong decision but they’d seen Wales score a try from a similar position the week before and knew that they couldn’t trust their 8 to win the ball or Youngs to play the ball well enough. The weapons are there – May on the short side, Billy Vunipola picking up or Tuilagi on the smash. Still, not the wrong decision in a Cup final.
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OT, about your Switzerland thing. There’s a guy called Alex Niven who’s quite interesting. Had an article at Tribune about this the other day: tribunemag.co.uk/2019/10/the-great-unravelling
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I’m disappointed with the lack of cowboy boots.
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I’m not.
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Ticht – they look like turn ups though. Something I resisted at the time. Despite my mum’s best efforts.
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Some cowboy show hilarity for Thaum (and for any of you who may have missed this):
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For some reason that killed the blog. Maybe you guys are just watching it over and over.
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Craigs – you are killing the vibe. Do the world a favour and shut up already.
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OK.
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Is it safe to come out yet?
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No.
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When do we find out what happened to Rob Howley?
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Five to one. Or 13 to 2 at Ladbrokes.
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I think it is still with the WRU, so it might be quite a while…
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@iksy
All bets are off.
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Howley’s case will be discussed by the blazers today.
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Stewards Enquiry
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Lucky for Glasgow:
“Faf wanted to come back and play against Glasgow next week in our first European match but I told him, and our England lads Tom Curry and Mark Wilson, to have a couple of weeks off because they had been through such an intense period,” said Steve Diamond, Sale’s director of rugby, who does not expect his South Africa second row Lood de Jager to appear for the club until a few weeks into the new year after he suffered a shoulder injury in the final.
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Looks to me that English Rugby and the Clubs need to find a way of separating the finances of academies and clubs…………….academies to be able to flourish independent of their salary capped clubs…………
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Academies could even generate revenue via signing fees for graduates with other clubs………….
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Slade – Could there be some union involvement in the academies?
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why not – they could become regional player generators
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Dylan Hartley packs in the pro game. A man of many suspensions but surprisingly few cards when he played for England.
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Scotland get a massive fine and have to write a proper apology for their World Cup complaining.
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Been thinking about sarries. I do find some weight to the argument that they’ve developed great players which they would then struggle to retain based on how much they could get elsewhere and the salary cap.
As I understand it the point of the cap is to stop rich clubs importing loads of galacticos and then pasting the smaller clubs who can’t afford them. Shirley a better system would be a cap on bought in players over the age of 25?
I also think that they’ll successfully appeal given that they haven’t strictly been paying salaries but we’ll see.
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Harley was a key cog in England’s resurgence and Saints successes.
He had his problems and was also a target, but did a good job.
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Davidsonian error there……………….
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Paul Rees = Mr. Confused of Rugby*
*in my view, anyway
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Slade – so you disagree with me then….
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Sam Skinner looks awfully big in that photo of Club player reps at the Ch Cup launch.
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“Shirley a better system would be a cap on bought in players over the age of 25?”
Then you just sign the Curry twins, Underhill etc and sort them out with a couple of coffee shops or tattoo parlours.
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Craigs – probably!
The structure is a mess of good intentions and confused thinking – all greased by MONEY.
It is not a natural market and therefore needs a special and enforced structure to survive.
Academies support the wider growth of the game and the long term.
Short term is all about money and ego-stroking success.
The sport is not big enough to survive without an extensive and productive academy structure of some sort.
As an England fan I would sooner see and support a National side that develops out of an expanded nurturing of national talent, even if that meant losing the notnotnotHeinie on a regular basis.
A wider and deeper pool of national talent will emerge with patience and goodwill.*
* which does leave me confused a bit by the example of Exeter (i don’t know enough about other clubs). Lots of local/regional academy/seeding/associated player development allied to plenty of foreigners in the player ranks. Usually, these are experienced pros that Baxter thinks he can get more out of as individuals (Holmes, White, Cuthbert, Lees) and thus good value. Hogg is a bit of an odd one and seems to be a splash of money to fill a hole in the player ranks.
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Tomps
which reminds me, DCI has gone quiet and Sale are building a very mean looking squad
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Ah!
Sarries have been provisionally/temporarily un-docked – putting Tigers, Irish and Bath back where they belong.
https://www.bbc.com/sport/rugby-union/english-premiership/table
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