Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
@slade
Many years ago, when my 2nd son was a kid, we went skiing in Bavaria. My 2nd wife broke her arm and so the Skiing was curtailed so we went to Munich.
Just outside Munich is a film park where they made the original Das Boot. Absolutely amazing full size replica of a submarine, the very set used to film the movie that you could walk through and reenact the movie scenes and then watch later on video.
My kid hated it, but they also filmed the Neverending Story in the same studios. And the Asterix movie with Gerard Depardieu. Both of which he was moderately ok with.
Ingrate doesnt talk to me nowadays….
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Too many tier 2 and Saes for my liking and not enough Kearney family.
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Just switched on the tv
Paw patrol is on
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I, for one, will be cheering for Wales this morning. (And then will be secretly pleased when they get crushed…)
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@Thaum
Continuing the movie theme, and referencing your LOTR post.
I thought Jackson’s adaptations of Tolkien started well and quickly became poor to awful
Fellowship of the ring was superb. As you noted, he made cuts (judiciously imho). There were also interpretations to match the appetite of the audience of the time, particularly with fight/battle scenes. On the whole though it was a triumph – Ian McLellan has become Gandalf in my imagination (and I first read the books decades ago). Viggo Mortensen and Sean Bean (as always) were superb.
The flight from the Shire, and the Mines of Moria were highlights
Two Towers was probably closer to Tolkien’s vision, but for me the movie felt forced. Some great scenes (mostly around the Rohirrim) but some big disappointments for me (the hobbits and Legolas, in particular, got irritating)
Return of the King was ok at best. Not a good screenplay of the book. Script was poor, CGI average for the standard of the time, no flow. Battle scenes were ridiculous comic book and had no internal consitency (again, the rohirrim speeches were the exception)
The 1st hobbit was great. Really captured the tone of the book (imho) with some nice linking variation (Thorin, Moria, Thranduil etc..)
The 2nd was awful. The whole “made up” sideline with Legolas and the she-elf, the dwarf-elf love story. The stupid escape down the river. Stephen Fry as the master was good, as was the Beorn interlude, but as a whole it was terrible. Why cut the mirkwood river/boat scene with the immortal line “you shouldn’t be so fat”?
Was so bad, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the 3rd. A lucky escape from all I have read
Agree with you re: the cartoon version being the best (by far, if you omit the viking Boromir). I remember being sick with chicken pox and my Mum (who thought the LOTR/fantasy whole thing was the work of Shaitan) renting me the betamax to watch cos I couldn’t go to school. Why didn’t they ever finish it?
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My feed is showing a replay of the RWC encounter between NZ and Wales.
How good was Shane? And Colin Charvis?
Plus, maybe my favorite of all time, Carlos Spencer
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On reflection, the Doc is probably considering a career in Welsh politics with Plaid Cymru, and so his comments are excused. Perfect result would be a Welsh win in a close game, with two tries from Bin Smuth. Such a result may well lead to a generation of youngsters in NZ switching codes, ensuring ten years of All Blacks losses, whilst the Kiwis dominate the Kangaroos for a similar period. Perfect.
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Morning. I feel very ill-prepared for what’s going to unfold.
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This looks a better NZ team to me than that which they fielded in the semi.
Balanced BR, experienced and physical centres, B Smith…
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Oh, that was nice, between Patchell and Adams.
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1st order of business for Pivac and co has to be to sort out Wales’ attacking ruck. As good as they are on the defending ruck (stealing, slowing etc..), the clearout and ball presentation is woeful. This has been a problem for Wales for years, but has come into sharp relief since Warbs retired
Really poor basics in terms of presenting the ball, arriving on time, low body position and clearing past the ball
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Great try by the NZ forwards.
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Not your typical prop try. What a swerve by Brodie.
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Really poor read by James Davies on replay.
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Good at the latter, not at the former. It’s a jackal-lite team now that there’s no Warbs, Gethin, Faletau. Most of our turnovers come from rips and Irish tackles.
If Faletau and Ellis return it should help.
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Looking for pastries, though, Tomos Williams looks like a great player in the making. Impressively for a sharp, running 9, his pass is crisp and accurate off the deck as well (unlike a few other running 9s)
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Scoring at better than 1 a minute… Poor fringe defence again. Aaron Smith making the Welsh forwards look silly
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Oh dear, oh day.
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Oh. This could get nasty.
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Sod watching this
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13 man lineout – let’s go!
Play the classics, Gats
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They must score at times like this.
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BS from Barnes. If he is offside there, and the “try” was held up, then he prevented a try scored. YC every day
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AMOS!!!
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Amos reborn.
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I fear a long day at the office for Wales.
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Great Try Wales! Took a while, but good stuff!
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If only Patch could pass like that off his left hand..
Great passes from T Williams and Patch though. And a 2 on 1 well executed by Amos
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If Hallam Amos can score v NZ then so can I, excellent life affirming try!
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Correction. Long day at the office for New Zealand.
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Fun game, this
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Supoib comment timing guns
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Full width of the pitch and 20+m forwards and play goes back for advantage?
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Hope Yos stayed and saw Sgt. Major Dillon in his pomp.
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No!! Go at them, don’t reward the cynical pens in the 22.
Barnes was near to giving them a warning . Keep the pressure on
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The Patch may not have BDB’s game management aspects, but you do wonder if Wales could play like this if Biggar was there.
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I hate to be that guy but the ABs really get away with a lot at the ruck, Read lying on every one
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Ow cumz waelz dint pley loik diss inna semi?
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Oh my, one unprotected ruck and chaos.
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Fringe defence tackling really letting us down.
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@IKS
Biggar is a hero of mine, and was absolutely the best choice for the RWC. Going forward, though, it should be Patchell & T Williams for the 6N
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Well that was crap. Why the hell didn’t they clear their lines???
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Addams has been great today.
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Morticia’s influence, probably.
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@FBC
Everyone gets away with a lot at the “ruck”. Holding on, not releasing, side entry, hands on the ball….
Its all so arbitrary. Laws and fairness and consistency sacrificed on the altar of ball-in-play time and a fast game.
A few egregious examples from Read (as you say) aside, I think Wales have got the benefit of the modern latitude at the ruck so far.
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Well that’s a game killer.
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There’s the two tires from Bin Smuth then
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A hand off right in the kisser, too
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I came back briefly after Amos’ try but only watching with half an eye due to actually not being able to slack off work for a change. I’ll have a proper catch up tonight.
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Thats your two, Ben, now back off.
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