Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
I know I know, you’ve all been kept waiting, sorry but I only just got the news myself
Edinburgh Rugby team to face Benetton at Stadio di Monigo in the Guinness PRO14
Saturday 2 November (kick-off 5.15pm GMT) – live on Premier Sports
15. Blair Kinghorn 14. Eroni Sau 13. Mark Bennett 12. Matt Scott 11. Damien Hoyland 10. Jaco van der Walt 9. Henry Pyrgos CAPTAIN
1. Jamie Bhatti 2. Mike Willemse 3. Pietro Ceccarelli 4. Fraser McKenzie 5. Lewis Carmichael 6. Ally Miller 7. Luke Crosbie 8. Magnus Bradbury (66)
Replacements: 16. David Cherry 17. Pierre Schoeman 18. Murray McCallum 19. Sam Thomson 20. Viliame Mata 21. Nic Groom 22. Simon Hickey 23. George Taylor
Players unavailable due to injury: Murray Douglas, Charlie Shiel, Nick Haining, Darryl Marfo, Hamish Watson, Chris Dean, Ruan Steenkamp
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I’m looking forward to being plucky losers again once we start giving the ball a bit more air.
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Benetton Rugby:
15 Jayden Hayward, 14 Ratuva Tavuyara, 13 Ignacio Brex, 12 Tommaso Benvenuti, 11 Angelo Esposito, 10 Tommaso Allan (C), 9 Dewaldt Duvenage, 8 Toa Halafihi, 7 Abraham Steyn, 6 Sebastian Negri, 5 Eli Snyman, 4 Irnè Herbst, 3 Tiziano Pasquali, 2 Tomas Baravalle, 1 Federico Zani
A disposizione: 16 Hame Faiva, 17 Cherif Traore, 18 Michele Mancini Parri, 19 Niccolò Cannone, 20 Federico Ruzza, 21 Giovanni Pettinelli, 22 Tito Tebaldi, 23 Antonio Rizzi
Head Coach: Kieran Crowley
Indisponibili: Derrick Appiah, Marco Barbini, Simone Ferrari, Ornel Gega, Monty Ioane, Michele Lamaro, Marco Lazzaroni, Nasi Manu, Luca Morisi, Nicola Quaglio, Marco Riccioni, Alessandro Zanni, Marco Zanon
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@Utna, I remember being gobsmacked by how small Beaumont looked when standing next to Horse a few years ago.
It’s partly why I didn’t have the heart to tell Thauma that I bumped into Gabriel Byrne in London once and was struck by how short he was in real life, like a podgier Alan Ladd.
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@Craigs
They’re big on mental health here – maybe they gave me access to keep me sane
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Btw all, for some reason my ‘Like’ button doesn’t work at the moment, rest assured I still do actually like all the quality content above
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Edinburgh’s form has been pleasing of late. Some lovely, lovely rugby vs Scarlets last week (who were bobbins, for sure).
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Horse is over 19 hands, though.
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@flair
Yes, I agree, but you can only go with what you have.
Take your example of Japan. They lack size, but have a lot of nimble, quick and dextrous players. Joseph recognised and nurtured this and Japan have achieved miracles as a result. They have big weaknesses, though and (unpopular opinion 1) I am not sure if their success is sustainable.
SA exposed their weaknesses ruthlessly and (unpopular opinion 2) Ireland on a different day may well have done so too
Wales dont have this kind of player. Nor do they have DOMINANT set piece players or big ball carriers. They also lack real fliers or offloaders. What they have is a squad of experienced all rounders with grear commitment and team ethic
Gats played to this strength and nurtured it. That it is less aestetically pleasing than Japan’s strength is regrettable but unavoidable. It is the way it is
You cannot (well maybe NZ) just flick a switch and decide your style and make it work. Cheika tried it…
Last time Wales tried, the coach dressed as gandalf, tried to play 7s vs Fiji at a RWC and got sacked in a car park
I would love it if we had the likes of Shane, Gav, Geth, Stephen Jones, BiMi, Faletau etc.. still running around scoring tries from their.own half. But we dont. And this limited team have done.as well, if not better, than those guys.
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Never forget. Never. If anything needs to be passed down to every generation it is this.
Don’t get yourself sacked in a car park.
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@yos
Well, that and the other lesson from history
Don’t pick the entire Neath team and expect it to work out
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Anyway, enough of this sideshow. The game that matters is coming up soon
I have affinity for England, and dare I say it, they are deserved winners based on the quality of their play so far. I do feel a bit of animosity towards a couple of players, and I dont like little Eddie at all
SA I like a lot, and Rassie is a dreamboat. But they have a gatecrasher feel at the moment. World Cup Willie??
Aw, I predicted England, and deep down I hope they win
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“there are no foundations in Wales in terms of the regions/clubs (compared to say, France, England or Ireland)”
So far, this hasn’t been an issue – but it’s always struck me that the success of the national team seemed to “defy gravity”. It’ll be interesting in absence of Gatland/Edwards whether it will continue…maybe the regions get their act together.
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I bought two large hunks of halibut just now. How shall I cook them?
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@Dab
With chips?
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As to tomorrow’s proceedings – if England play anything like last Saturday – you’d find it hard to see SA winning. On the other hand, SA were probably equal of NZ in the group game with exception of the 2 try / 4-minute burst by NZ. Not sure they have game to chase a lead…. but probably do have the game to hold a lead.
Not expecting a classic in terms of flowing rugby – what is it… 5 of 8 finals have been won by 20 points or fewer and 2003 was the outlier even then…
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On another note, I have had a bit of an epiphany during this RWC.
I have always (and still do) hark back to the halcyon days of amateurism. That was rugby. I have lamented their passing, whilst acknowledging the inevitabilty, and scorned the succesors
I have finally realised this – it doesn’t matter.
Much like RL, which I love, RU is now different to the rugby I played and grew up with. But it is still magnificent
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@Dab
however you cook the halibut don’t say “Jehovah”
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I miss playing rugby. The cameraderie (I coach my grandson’s team but its not the same), the fellowship, the bonds formed through training.
And the game, that tackle that hits in perfect unison with the stride, the pass that brings the player into space, kicking a goal and (very rare for me) actually crossing the line.
The battering that makes you limp or favour your left arm for lifting. The scars and bruises. The pride. The respect. The memories.
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OT, I bloody love that film
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“I bought two large hunks of halibut just now. How shall I cook them?”
OT beat me to it.
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Utna, yeah I have friends who play pub cricket a few of them are way older than me, well into their 60s.
You just can’t do that with rugby,
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I’d never heard of halibut until I saw the Life of Brian. So now if anyone mentions halibut I automatically think of the Monty Python film.
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Sent a memo to Gus Pichot outlining my plans for an overhaul of the flawed game of rugby.
In summary, do away with penalties, almost all kicking, the line out, Sebastien V. Have tries as a guide to the game but just have a judge giving points for artistic merit.
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“You just can’t do that with rugby..”
I played – in a “friendly” – back in May (photographic evidence at the top)…. I was black and blue and a few shade of purple after it. Loved it though……
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Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else.Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else.
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Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else. Must think about something else.
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Halibut steaks…………………………………..liberally topped with butter, salt, pepper, parsley then grilled.
Nothing else – definitely not tomato and let the flavour of the flesh speak for itself.
Heaven.
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Yeah, not currently thinking about halibut.
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CHIEFS SIDE TO FACE WORCESTER WARRIORS
15 Stuart Hogg 14 Tom O’Flaherty 13 Ian Whitten 12 Sam Hill 11 Alex Cuthbert
10 Joe Simmonds 9 Jack Maunder
1 Alec Hepburn2 Jack Yeandle (capt)3 Harry Williams
4 Dave Dennis5 Jonny Hill
6 Dave Ewers7 Jacques Vermeulen8 Matt Kvesic
16 Elvis Taione 17 Billy Keast 18 Marcus Street 19 Jannes Kirsten 20 Sean Lonsdale 21 Nic White 22 Gareth Steenson 23 Tom Hendrickson
Sam Simmonds not being risked on the artificial pitch,
NicWhite back to reality!
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“Sam Simmonds not being risked on the artificial pitch” – what’s the story there?
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@trisk
Bad knees, surely. 3G is bad on the joints.
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Hello Craigs! Greetings from a Cuddly Bok!
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Slade, near perfection on that halibut. I’m popping over for dinner if you don’t mind?
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@Utna – I mostly agree with you, except that I prefer the film of The Two Towers to The Fellowship of the Ring.
The reason being that Fellowship is marred by their almost instant acceptance of Strider, when in fact they were rather suspicious of him for a long time (particularly Sam). And he’s not ominous enough at their meeting.
What Two Towers does well is give you a sense of what events are taking place at the same time, which is a flaw in the books unless you make a calendar and start marking events in it!
I did like the first Hobbit film, particularly the beginning. But as you say, they just kept getting worse.
@Iks – dammit! I suspected as much re Byrne.
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“If you could choose a combined XV from England and South Africa at this World Cup, you would choose all England players.”
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Greetings Deebs!
*glares at Deebs*
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If England win tomorrow (sorry Deebs), will this be a better ‘win’ than 2003?
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BB – probably as we’ll have beaten all the southern hemisphere sides in one tournament.
And we’re a younger side.
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*Stop press*
Leinster vs Drags could be on Freesport tonight, if the listings I get here are right.
@Craigs, nothing better to take your mind off rugby than watching the Drags if it is indeed being broadcast.
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It’s an incredible achievement getting to the final tbh. I wasn’t expecting that. Hoping, but not expecting.
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Iks – only a lot of booze will help. I have rum and tequila at home. Will mix a shot of each on the rocks.
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What do our Scottish posters think of this?
Bit redolent of the ‘what do you say to a woman with two black eyes’ “joke”, no?
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@Slade do you consider that your advised method will produce a piece of halibut good enough for Jehova though?
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@Thaum not Scottish, but it seems innocuous to me and a bit of a stretch to that ‘joke’.
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Dab – maybe I’m just generally pissed off today. ;-)
Was supposed to be doing a software release tonight/tomorrow, but the fucking idiots didn’t manage to get the approvals.
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@Thaum That’s a crappy way for a week to end!
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Yes, and the mister has down to Cardiff for the weekend, and I declined to go because of the release. Grr.
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@tomp
Ah the fragrant Matt Dawson.
I don’t have a very good sense of smell unfortunately.
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Dawson’s comment should get pinned on the Boks’ dressing room wall.
As someone said, this is not an unlikeable group of players, but Eddie’s smirk and the English press and pundits make it awfully difficult for me to want an English win, even setting aside my DNA issues.
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