Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Sorry to break the news about ‘Stubby Chubby Byrne’ at such a delicate time, Thauma.
You could watch Faded Glory rip the Drags up and delight in the Schadenfreude.
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You could equally use a comment from the Irish press about England and Eddie being lucky. Tbh, there should be no further motivation needed.
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I might also agree…
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Iks – you fiend!
Drags don’t seem to be on the telly, but Ulster is. However, I think I’ll blithely assume they’ll beat Zebre at home, and go to the fireworks.
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“What do our Scottish posters think of this?
Bit redolent of the ‘what do you say to a woman with two black eyes’ “joke”, no?”
Yep.
They are desperate, the current polling shows both Tories and Labour getting wiped out in Scotland, support for independence is growing, it’s now over 50%, which is almost entirely down to their “Prime Minister” – I put that in quotes because the office deserves respect, the current incumbent has earned only ridicule, the liar, the cheat, the self entitled arsehole
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I had to look up that “joke” btw.
ffs!
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Ticht – I am looking forward to again seeing more Pandas than Tories in Scotland. I’d like to see Labour do better, but I do understand that Scottish Labour have created their own set of problems.
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Hold on Thauma, if you go to the fireworks won’t it make all the work the organisers have put into the sparklers and rockets redundant?
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Oh, and what about Swinson? Seems her seat is a bit vulnerable.
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I have to say that I enjoyed all of the LofR films. I’m not a big fan boy, I only read the books once when I was about 15/16, but I thought the films were very well done.
To prove I’m not a fan boy I can’t remember the name of the characters but there was a terribly moving scene where the grief-crazed king sent his less favoured son on a suicide mission and one of the Hobbits was singing a lament as the violent, senseless deaths played out – beautifully done
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Iks – are you saying I’ll dampen them? Damned cheek.
I might have a rant; I’m expecting a work colleague to be there. Must remember he’ll have kids with him, and I shouldn’t swear.
There will be Brexiters aplenty, too. If I’m not posting again by about 21:00, alert the police.
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Tilda Swinson is pretty cool, her ex, a Scottish artist, did a really good painting of her
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John Byrne is the artist, he did a great one of Billy Connolly too
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Ticht – *tsk*. That’s Denethor.
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oh wow, that just embedded – cool, I thought I was just posting the link
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Swinson losing her seat would be very amusing.
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Was Tilda Swinson the one in Orlando? That was a pretty good adaptation. Mind you, I can’t stand Virginia Woolf, although that is by far the best of her books that I’ve read.
I meant Jo, though, as you well know. ;-)
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“the liar, the cheat, the self entitled arsehole”
My ears etc.
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test
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wayhey!
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Why is that toad faced git, Farage still getting airtime? It just puffs up his own self-importance even more, and that’s saying something.
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I was saying exactly the opposite, Thauma.
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BB – reckon Farage did Labour a big favour yesterday with his Trump ‘interview’.
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Ticht, Is John Byrne the Tutti Frutti writer? Or is that a namesake?
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Iks – oh I see! *mwah*
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” reckon Farage did Labour a big favour yesterday with his Trump ‘interview’.”
I really hope that is the case, Thaum, it would be great if Labour win in December, one in the eye for all those blowhards
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I know a few Scots who really hate Nichola Sturgeon. They all live in London, Glasgow or Embra and work in the City so I’m not sure how representative they are.
The thing is, independence is forever, yet there was a referendum fairly recently. Shouldn’t there be lag time on this sort of thing?
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Ticht – here’s hoping. Bye for now!
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I expect to see Swinson going well in Glasgow tonight.
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It’s the same guy, Tom, though to be honest I didn’t know he was a writer too (ty Wiki), I only know him from his painting
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If Scotland chooses to leave the Union should they do it with or without a deal?
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Good spot, Yos, Tim needs to go well tonight
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John Byrne also did some of the Gerry Rafferty album covers – might have been the Humblebums connection.
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“If Scotland chooses to leave the Union should they do it with or without a deal?”
Depending of the timing of the whole thing, they could possibly/ would probably be part of the EU trading bloc so be on the same deal as the rest of the EU
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BB did he do the Nightowl cover?
Now that you mnetion it, it does look like his style
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Tutti Frutti was brilliant. There was another series a few years later – with Tilda S, John Gordon-Sinclair and that dark-haired guy super actor played Rebus I think but can’t remember his name – that was ok but not as good.
He was on telly a fair bit in the early 1990s (ish), Late Show type of thing. Part of that Kelman, Torrington Glasgow vibe for me.
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Serious Rugby on French terrestial TV tonight:
Tarbes vs Bagnere de Bigorre
Local derby at the foot of the Pyrenees………………………………….
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Ticht – found this website that shows his covers (and some other stuff).
https://dangerousminds.net/comments/the_fabulous_album_cover_art_of_playwright_john_patrick_byrne
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Ken Stott is the actor.
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TomP – that was Your Cheatin Heart. With the line dancing Dorric bikers.
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Damn, I said Night Owl but I meant City to City, that is the one I had. I’ve seen that self protrait of his, it’s in the national portrait gallery in Edinburgh.
Tom, Ken Stott is superb, one of my favourite actors – he was the real Rebus
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Slade – that makes me think of Utna’s lovely post and me playing in the middle of the Pyrenees on the Plateau du Sault for the Union Sportive de Pays du Sault – one of my favourite periods of playing, the village team with passions running very high
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A chance for revenge!
Scotland are to play Japan in the Autumn internationals next year. Plus two tests against RWC winners South Africa and one against New Zealand next summer.
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Ticht – he did the Night Owl one too. It just wasn’t on that website I posted. Dunno why.
Love the title track – almost as good as Baker Street in my book (and love his voice too).
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Oh my days! The halibut was incredible. Good enough for Jehova, in fact. I slobbed it around in an emulsion of olive oil, lemon and herbs and then pan fried it. Best bit of fish I’ve ever had.
Jamie Roberts as newspaper columnist >>> Matt Dawson
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BB, I’ve just played The Ark, the opening song from City to City four times back to back, I had forgotten how good it is.
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An old work mate of mine once tried to build a website for Gerry Rafferty. It didn’t end well, apparently.
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Fun fact: Bob Holness from Blockbusters used to be one of the moderators of the chat rooms on the Gerry Rafferty Fan Club website.
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Gerry had some problems, drink related
Some problems is probably understating it,
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First DNA mention of the night from Ugo. Might not be a good idea to make that a drinking game – probably wouldn’t last the half.
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