Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
“>>>”
Rather too favourable to MtT with that rating.
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‘Mon the Weedge! Need a big win tonight, just to get the confidence back.
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That smoke is ridiculous.
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Has Viss retired from rugby completely?
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At the end of last season, BB.
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Big Taq!!! Lovely pass from Hutchinson too (been learning from Finn).
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BT viewers may be unaware of new Quins assistant coach Sean Long. To be fair the commentators seemed to treat him like a new animal at the zoo. Plus he said he was interviewed by Eddie Jones for a job with England. To me he was a very skillful RL halfback who never reached the heights of his contemporaries Darren Lockyer and Stacy Jones. Although he was partly responsible for this (if St Helens took the tackle the match would have been over and they would have lost)
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That was a bit of a weird try from Saints – Saints player tackled over the try line and ball was dislodged, but he managed to bat the ball BACK and it was touched down by a Saints player. Really quick thinking there.
Meanwhile Glasgow have 3 tries! Handy having players like the Hornes, Hastings, DTH and Zander back.
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Also author/co author of the excellent tome, Longy.
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Dave Kearney scores!
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Another try Glasgow!
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@yosoy
Longy is perhaps best remembered for the anecdote about following through while pissing against a Blackpool pub wall and wearing white linen trousers.
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It’s Niko time! This seems like a bit of a rout already.
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Big Taq in again. Don’t think he ever played like this for Glasgow.
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Ouch, you have to feel for Pete Horne when he has to correct the interviewer that he is Pete and not George
Especially when he says he gets that a lot these days
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“Big Taq in again. Don’t think he ever played like this for Glasgow.”
v Scarlets, he ran over all of them, it was total destruction
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Think that was his only one, Ticht. Or one of his very few good performances anyway.
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Well, that was fun.* The fireworks were supposed to start at 19:00, when it was mild and dry, but there was a whole lot of nothing going on then, apart from vendors and awful pop music. At about 19:30, they decided to try to light the damp bonfire, and that took some doing. Then there was a fire-juggler.
I got cornered by one of the village bores, who turns out to be some sort of Lexiter. Reads the Daily Mail. Knows they print lies, but buys it anyway. Repeated some of the lies.
Finally, at 20:00, the rain started, so they decided that was a good time for the fireworks. My fag lighter decided not to work, and the zip on my jacket broke.
The fireworks were good.
Got slightly lost on the way home due to not being able to see out of my rain-covered glasses, and took the long way by mistake, ensuring a good soaking.
*All in all, it was a lot better than sitting at home doing a software release.
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*Checks Ulster score*
Hmm, 10-7. Not what I was hoping for.
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Now 17-7. Slight improvement.
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50 point win for Glasgow. That’s better!
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22-7 for Ulster. No BP, but it’ll do.
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Commiserations to all the supporters of Wales; an improved showing by the ABs to complete their tournament that rather left Wales at 6s and 7s.
Despite the national disappointment there is a feeling that we will be going through a period of renewal with a changing of the coaching/management and the retiring of a significant number of established players. New blood into the ‘leadership group’ and the blooding of the newest recruits.
Liam Coltman seemed to step up, a couple of lineout overthrows notwithstanding. Frizzell also looked the part.
And so to tonight’s match where, going on recent form, England must be heavily favoured if they can put in a performance even 75% of last week’s.
Thought the Boks looked sluggish and 1-dimensional in their semifinal but know they can lift from there. Did England ‘play their final’ last week or can they get up for 1 more blistering effort?
I will be able to find something to please regardless of which way it goes. England lose and I join utna in relishing the wiping of Eddie Jones’s smug grin; England win and the ABs only lost to the eventual winners…
‘S all good.
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Any rugby on today?
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OT, Kiwi dominance in League already started, but you have missed that. Glaws playing Leicester later. I am off down the pub for a breakfast bacon butty, don’t know why they are open this early, but hey.
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FEAR
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Well, that’s who to support sorted:
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There’s a nice comment underneath that AWJ deliberately gave away the penalty in the last 5 minutes v South Africa so that he would ensure he’d avoid having to meet the Prime Minister.
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@sbt
Shocking finish by McGilveray at the end there.
Mind you there was an equally bobbins grubber kick by Widdop in GB’s previous set of 6 so the bobbinsocracy is spread wide.
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@tomp
It’s obvious he didn’t watch the semifinal.
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That was so a try in 2007
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HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR
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Dov isn’t Craigs.
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OT,
After the game he (or one of his people) claimed that he had watched it. I can hardly believe that a man in his position as Prime Minister would tell a fib.
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HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR HOPEFEAR
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Good luck all! Hope it’s a great match! 3-0 to the Boks AET from a wobbly disputed drop goal would be brilliant!
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World Player of the Year Nominees:
Pieter-Steph du Toit (South Africa), Tom Curry (England), Alun Wyn Jones (Wales), Cheslin Kolbe (South Africa), Ardie Savea (New Zealand) and Joe Taufete’e (USA)
It seems they had the Amsterdam-based committee member was very persuasive.
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“It seems they had the Amsterdam-based committee member was very persuasive.”
It seems the Amsterdam-based committee member was very persuasive.
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@tomp
It reminds me of when England played Scotland in Euro 96 and Tony Blair and Gordon Brown invited a film crew in to watch them watching it. Saturday afternoon and they had their suits on sans jacket. Brown had a beer I seem to remember. And they both had rictus grins as they pretended to watch something they had no interest in.
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Sorry England but that piece on Siya Kolisi has me fully behind him and the Boks
Gwan South Africa
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Blair maybe, but Brown has been a staunch Raith Rovers fan for years. Although that probably still meant he’d never actually watched football*….
His rictus grin was probably more because he was sitting next to Blair.
*Apart from their League Cup win over Celtic, before TomP corrects me.
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Gwijo Squad have better songs too and Siya knows the deal:
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Brown was a rugby man, no?
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It’s the ‘fresh out the bag’ creases and the shirt underneath, that really make it a hideous sight. That and the popped collar. I think Brian Moore put it best (he also said the same to Corbyn “for balance”):
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“It reminds me of when England played Scotland in Euro 96 ”
The Uri Geller penalty kick.
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You know nothing Jon Snow
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Refit,
The raised collar is the classic sign of a rah-rah denizen of Clapham/Chiswick/Richmond proper rugby pubs during internationals type of England supporter.
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Tonga just beat Australia at RL. Amazing
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Could be both? He did get an injury while playing rugby, so maybe not so keen on it after that, perhaps?
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Don’t worry Ticht. All is as expected.
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