Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
@utna
Is Tonga still classed as a tier 2 international team? If they go up to tier 1 it might make the rules about playing for multiple international teams interesting
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About this time on 22nd November 2003 I was in the Cabbage Patch in Twickenham, probably on my 2nd or 3rd pint of Guinness. Fast forward 16 years I’m just about to start my second mug of tea.
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“About this time on 22nd November 2003 I was in the Cabbage Patch in Twickenham, probably on my 2nd or 3rd pint of Guinness.”
With shirt collar up appropriately one trusts.
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The SA anthem starts great, really great, then goes rapidly downhill before ending on an Ireland’s Call-style disappointment.
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I didn’t. I was surrounded by people who did. They would also go to watch the Boat Race despite not having anything to do with Oxford or Cambridge.
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Bad miss at this level of the game. Nerves?
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Fuck, Sinck, no.
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Oh Christ, that looks bad.
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Sink out cold.
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Looks bad for Sinckler. Not great for England but more importantly hope he’s ok.
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Bollocks. Horrible start for England.
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England DOMINATING the box kick stats at the moment. 2-0 after 3.
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Morning rugby fans. Good luck Deebee and the English boys.
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Good to see Nige there as touchline official. Setting new standards in ticking off the subs.
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Up and walking is a good sign.
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Good that he’s walking off.
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I think my heart may have stopped for a second, when that ball bounced.
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SA looking strong
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Shit shit shit
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England are good but don’t want to be playing too much football in their 22. They haven’t been doing it much so far in the tournament and don’t want to start now.
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SA need points from this field position and pressure. England scrambling well in defence.
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Ominous. Getting dominated at the scrums and at the break down.
No chance whilst that is the case
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Rugby’s a tougher game when the other team compete at the breakdown.
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Cuddly work at the breakdown by the boks
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What are England doing?
Brave and all, to chuck it around in your own 22, but clearing the lines at this point in the game seems more sensible
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Everything going for SA at the moment. England need to calm down. They look rattled.
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England are being bone-headed here. Kick off, though, gets them in the SA where they can try this stuff more comfortably.
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Faf has some luscious locks
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The fuck has happened to England’s passing?
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Oh this is awful. Awful awful awful.
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Dear God, that’s terrible by Youngs.
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That so should have been a penalty to England for holding on. We aren’t helping ourselves and Jerome isn’t going to help us either.
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Fair bit of wonky handling going on
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That should have been a penalty England.
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Le Roux with an amazing example of how to kill your own attacking space there.
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World Cup Willie keeping England in it so far.
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i’d’ve pinged Etzebeth there
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Felt he also allowed SA flying off feet in attack earlier on.
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Something needs to change fast or we are done
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Great work by Watson. Momentum changer
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Good recovery kick by Ford after he get smashed back in the tackle by de Allende.
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Line out gone as well. We’ve got nothing
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Oh dear oh dear. England failing the basics.
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Don’t panic, chaps. For all their DOMINANCE of territory and possession, SA only have 3 points to show.
Possession will swing England’s way sooner or later and they will get their chances
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Their scrum is so dominant all they need to do is get in a good position and drop the ball and they’ll come away with three points.
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Bad call that. Foot in touch before the bat back
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FIFY
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Can we fire Dayglo into the sun, please?
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Garces probably should have stopped play there, for Mbonambi.
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There we go Englanders, calm yourselves down with the doomy- ness
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