Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Awful tackle technique from Mbonambi. Halfpenny-like in his head position
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Good contest so far. Had to switch from ITV because it wasn’t commentary it was one-eyed support. On S4C now even though I can’t understand a word.
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That looks sore
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Ouch. Collarbone gone?
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Poor De Jager looked like me getting up in the morning.
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@Iks
I find the ITV studio stuff quite good. In match commentary is awful. I have switched to an Aussie feed. The main commentator is ok, Martyn Williams is poor, but Karl TeNana is one of the best commentators around
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Cute by SA, just have their players wander around in Faz’s peripheral vision.
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Basics again.
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Simple error again
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If two Bok Locks go down then it will ge a game changer.
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Too many trick plays. England cant get any rhythm. Need to simplify everything. Just get the Vunipolas and Tuilagi to truck it up. Then kick long down the middle and chase in a line
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Half time can’t come soon enough for us,
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That was a dumb penalty by the boks
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Glad Faf got caught. Justice for Wales!
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Only 3 points In it. Anyone’s game
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Well, England or SA’s obviously
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Youngs’ passing is absolutely bobbins. Everything is either a little high, or behind, killing momentum.
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How has this now been called back for the penalty?
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Bruising stuff
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Must be the world’s longest advantage, or did I miss something?
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20 phases after the penalty and he calls it back, that is ridiculous
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Ridiculous length of time for an advantage.
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You cannot play advantage that long. Ok, advantage back to the de Klerk offside on the 22. Not the one 5 mins ago on the tryline. Ridiculous
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Bit worried about the Big Red Button around Eddie’s neck…..
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Guess the consensus is that was ridiculous. Mot du jour
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Dayglo really has me backing SA now
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I can’t see what the penalty was given for then?
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How is a penalty, for not releasing, when they turned the ball over? Or am I missing something?
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There’s a whiff of give it Shane with those unnecessarily long passes to the Bok 11.
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Daly has been awful. Another 3 to SA here.
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faf’s faffing an awful lot at ruck time
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Just the most ridiculous advantages.
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Hideous.
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Beast has Cole on toast, kitshoff is as strong in the tight
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Beast is having a monstrous game. Been outstanding all tournament
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Agreed. But teams will try and play when they have them rather than cross field kick/up ‘n’ under after one phase.
Still ridiculous, mind.
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England have been absolutely rubbish. The basics have let them down: passing, catching and set pieces. That 3 points at the end was totally unnecessary and a real choker. I can’t see a way into this for England – SA are just going to strangle us second half and will probably get a try as well.
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Oh god that long pass from Daly when he had May on his shoulder was horrible.
I don’t think I’ve disliked an England player this much since Mike Catt!
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Well, SA on top in most respects, and the scrum is a massive weapon. Only 6 points ahead, though, and England have looked the more likely to get a try. For all SAs possession and territory and set piece, they haven’t really looked like crossing the line. England have looked the more likely try scorers in their rare attacks.
SA wide defence looks vulnerable, as it did against Wales. England bombed a few opportunities through inaccurate passing. Twice they had 3 on 1 in the 22 and the halves went first man to Lawes, who Colbe duly tackled, rather than behind Lawes to the outside backs who were in space.
Game on if England can calm down. Would get Slade on for the 2nd half. Ford hasn’t played well and the additional pace in the centres will pay dividends. Would also bring Kruis in for his set piece work. I really like Lawes as a player, but this isn’t his game. Youngs is a problem, but not sure Heinz is the solution. Will just have to hope that Youngs sorts himself out
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This game, albeit tryless and error strewn, is absorbing and exciting. Just goes to show you don’t need try-fests or perfect play or ball-in-play time. All you need is a tough genuine contest and rugby is the best sport
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I don’t understand scrums, advantage laws, rucks, mauls or Garces……………………
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England a bit rattled by their own nerves, it seems. Dominated at the set pieces too but if they can calm down and keep the ball in hand a bit more, they should win this.
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Youngs, Lawes, Ford, Daly off……………….Spencer. Kruis, Slade and JJ on. LC-D and Marler in due course…………….
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whoever scores one try wins………………………..
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Heinz was replaced by Spencer(?) Utna, don’t know much about him.
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If there was a “National” anthem, for the whole world, I would like it to be “Take me home, country roads”. The appeal of the song is universal. Good work by the crowd belting it out at HT
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Good call on Kruis.
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@Iks
right you are. I don’t know much about Spencer either (didn’t even know he was in the squad!)
Lets see what he has got
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S a rush is stifling
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De Klerk’s a very annoyingly good player
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