Act I: Isengard
Uglúk Farrell: Hail, Saruman the White! Rejoice, for I have brought unto you the head of Grishnákh Read, the leader of the Black Uruk-hai of Mordor.
Saruman Jones: It is well done, my servant, but have you also brought unto me the halflings?
Uglúk (pouting, and looking for all the world like a bog brush): The halflings disappeared during the scrummage with the Black Uruk-hai, my lord.
Saruman: How do you mean, disappeared?! The halflings are always lurking around the back of the scrummage, instructing the referee.
Uglúk: My lord, I believe they used some TMO enchantment to escape. But why concern yourself with mere halflings when there are mighty but cuddly Green Uruk-hai to face?
Saruman: You fool! To think that I have wasted years breeding White Uruk-hai only to produce morons who can’t capture halflings, and don’t know what a ruck is!
Uglúk (pouting again): That wasn’t me, that was Uruk-Dylan and Uruk-DOMINATOR.
Saruman: Get out of my sight!
[Exit Uglúk]
Saruman (pacing): Verily, it is a strange thing to have the head of Grishnákh and yet not the Ring. I fear there are some dark-green plots afoot.
Act II: The Forest of Fangorn
Treebeard: Hmm hoom, are you young halflings awake yet?
Merry Handré (bouncing up): Yes, Treebeard, we are full of the beans of life following your magic energy drink! Can we have some more, please?
Pippin Faf: Ooh, yes, please!
Gandalf Rassie: I would not advise drinking too deeply of Fangorn’s potions. Indeed, your skin is already taking on a greenish tinge, as if the moss grew upon it.
Halflings (in unison): Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Gandalf! We will be fine.
Gandalf: Do not then stumble at the end of the 22.
Act III: Dol Baran; night
[Merry and Pippin are huddled in their camp.]
Pippin: That ovally ball that old Gandalf’s got. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved us from rolling out at the pool stages.
Merry: Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Go to sleep!
[Pippin waits for Merry to fall asleep, then sneaks out to look at the special ovally ball.
He bends low over it, looking like a greedy child stooping over a bowl of food, in a corner away from others. He gazes at it. The air seems still and tense about him. At first the oval is dark, black as an All-Black jersey, with the moonlight gleaming on its surface. Then there comes a faint glow and stir in the heart of it, and it holds his eyes, so that now he can not look away. Soon all the inside seems on fire; the ball is spinning, or the lights within are revolving. Suddenly it does one of those awkward ovally-ball bounces, and the lights go out. He gives a gasp and struggles; but he regains the ball and remains bent, clasping the ball with both hands like any sensible player approaching a tackle. Closer and closer he bends, and then becomes rigid; his lips move soundlessly for a while. Then with a strangled cry he falls back and lies still (with one eye on the referee).
The cry is piercing. The fatties leap (ungracefully) down from the banks. All the camp is soon astir.]
Gandalf: So this is the thief.
[Hastily he casts his cloak over the ovally ball where it lies.]
Gandalf: But you, Pippin! This is a grievous turn to things! The devilry! What mischief has he done to himself, and to all of us?
[The halfling shudders, his eyes closed. He cries out and sits up, staring in bewilderment at all the faces around him, pale in the moonlight.]
Pippin: It is not for you, Saruman!
Gandalf (sternly): What did you see, and what did you say?
Pippin: I saw a dark sky, and tall rugby posts. Then the lights went in and out. They were cut off by winger-like things. Very big, I think, really; but in the ovally ball they looked like white bats wheeling round the try-line. I thought there were fifteen of them.
Gandalf: Nazgûl! The storm is coming. The Nazgûl are coming! Run, run! Wait not for the whistle, and never mind the offside law! Let not the swift wait for the slow! Run!
Further reading
Yosoy philosophising on Wales’ performance with a depleted team.
TomPirracas’ touching tale of a young rugby fan’s decision on whom to support.
On the telly this week
Friday 1st November
| Wales v New Zealand | 09:00 | S4C / ITV |
| Ulster v Zebre | 19:35 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Glasgow v Kings | 19:35 | Premier Sports 1 |
| Saints v Quins | 19:45 | BT Sport 1 |
Saturday 2nd November
| England v S Africa | 09:00 | ITV / S4C |
| Leicester v Gloucester | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Scarlets v Cheetahs | 15:00 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Ospreys v Connacht | 17:15 | S4C / TG4 / PS1 |
| Treviso v Edinburgh | 17:15 | Premier Sports 2 |
| Cardiff v Munster | 19:35 | TG4 / Premier Sports 1 |
Sunday 3rd November
| Worcester v Exeter | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
@ticht
Yes – it is outstanding. Leaves gaps out wide though, and England know it but can’t get it there effectively. Ford or Farrell need to chip kick behind the line. Willie isn’t covering space effectively
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I liked Kitshoff a few years ago in the U20s, that was quite the entrance to the game
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One early sees an England scrum marmalised like this.
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England getting biffed in the scrum
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Not early. Rarely.
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Maybe the weather has changed but all the knock ons from earlier in the tournament are sticking in the hands
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@ticht
I’m guessing the humidity has dropped over the month.
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England need to get their wingers into the game. May and Watson are great players and their speed and footwork could open up SA.
Maybe bring them in close to the ruck to run angles off the 9 or 10?
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You fixed that ‘Like’ button yet, FBC?
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Ooh a turn-tider?
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Noice.
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Mako looking pissed off
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What a turnaround. England DOMINATE the SA scrum
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Big momentum shift here.
Pollard really should have just wanged it back down the park.
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Midfield maul! Thing of beauty
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There a blast from the past, setting up the open field maul
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Classic give it to Shane/Kolbe there
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Excellent from the Boks. Bosh and smart combined.
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Utna, I almost teared up
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A flash of hope, quickly dashed.
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I had not seen a maul like the one just created by SA in a long time.
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Odd time to start penalising the side in possession for a dubious entry. Every team this RWC has done that all the time. Few calls going England’s way over last quarter. Need to make hay whilst they have momentum.
SA, in contrast, need to get their hands on the ball
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That was fucking stupid. Well spotted by Poite.
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Depressed.
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Think the Boks should go for touch there.
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Silly and unnecessary from Watson. Daly had that covered. Big kick this one for Pollard. Surprised they went for goal. If he gets it, though….
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Someone needs to do a 6 episode series on the evolution of the kicking tee.
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Typed that before he fluffed it, honest!
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Pass!
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Lovely try
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That was a glorious try. Bastards.
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Check that! Real time, but though Am was ahead of Mabimpi
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That could be the winner! Brilliant.
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Wow. Just wow. Check for in-front?
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He’s checking but I think that’s a try. Congratulations SA. Much better team on the day.
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Forward pass.
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Nice
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No, I was wrong!
Clearly onside. Great try
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Think the 2nd pass is a little dubious, but…
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That may be it.
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That pass Shirley looked forward. Never mind. SA have been as superior today as we were last week. Never at the races.
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First try for SAi n a final. They’re doomed.
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Oh Kolbe, that was the game!
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All over.
Dominated. Congrats deebs and all other SA supporters for the day.
Proud of the boys, last week was our peak and they can be pleased with 2nd place after 4 years ago, once the dust settles.
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Not over. A try here and its game on for the last 10
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Frans Steyn always looks gloriously confused and disoriented.
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We haven’t looked like breaking them down don’t see how it starts now and the clock is ticking. They know what they are doing at the scrum.
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Now it’s game over
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Kolbeeeee!
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Wow number 2!
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