Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
that sounds like a mercy killing.
Any excuse for a bit of Nick Cave.
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Back in Milan. Arrived this morning to absolute chaos. 37 clients are arriving on Sunday, for meetings with EPC contractors based in Milan, Parma and Pesaro respectively. 3 companies, 3 days, easy peasy. Until the middle one cancelled last night and the 1st one shifted days. Now have to rearrange train schedules and hotels as well as find something for them on the Monday. Going to be a long weekend.
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I might be 1st in the Mercy Seat. And all of this for a project in Mozambique….
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You’ll need some big lunches to keep you going Deebee.
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Thanks Chimpie – last meal I had was on the plane last night. Been too busy, But will make up for it tonight with room service! Yay! Oh.
‘Meal’.
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Back in Milan… Now have to rearrange train schedules and hotels as well as find something for them on the Monday.
Come back to me when you have some real problems Deebs.
Rearrange schedules, my hole.
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Whisky fans, there is a new film coming out by Glaswegian whisky writer and all round good guy Dave Broom, he is presenting Q&As after the showings, on tour December. I’ll be at the Brighton one, Broom lives here, or Hove actually
https://www.picturehouses.com/movie-details/018/HO00010331/the-amber-light-live-q-a
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I had a meeting about whisky today.
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The new Nick Cave record is a downbeat affair, like The Boatman’s Call but with a different lyrical concept. I like it a lot.
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Fast tracking Johnny McNicholl seems a bit pointless. We need to fast-track some proper locks, otherwise the future will be just glitter looking for a Christmas card.
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@OT, claim it was a flask of tea and tell HR to fuck off.
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Five-minute warning….
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Nice interview with Cockers on the Beeb website. Just wondering if Glasgow are trying for a wee bit more of the ‘Cockers Grit’ in appointing Danny Wilson.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/50586730
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I’d be devastated to learn that Deebee is responsible for arranging his own schedules.
It’s like being told that Santa Claus doesn’t really have reindeer and elves at his disposal.
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