Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
Oh… well, at least he doesn’t make a habit of it, I hope.
2 months earlier:
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, this might explain it.
LikeLike
Words Thaum. My dad is similar.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
Okay. Here’s my answer on the back of a self-addressed computer:
I have three daughters. And no grandchildren.
You’re now a mother? (Aunt?)
LikeLike
Ach, hell no, LADOAB!
It’s a rugby inconsistency.
And now I must be off as I’ve an early start tomorrow.
LikeLike
Just a little fun, Thaum.
I don’t have an in depth knowledge of rugby to really pick up on the minutiae…
Thanks for the read, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
LikeLike
lovely fread, Thaum and oh! so credible
LikeLike
?fread?
LikeLike
Can’t have this ganging up on Mr Gargalic who has made a successful rugby career (even if it is one with little impact at the World Cup) despite being of negligible height and weight and is therefore my new rugby-playing hero.
LikeLike
Excellent stuff Thaum! Trying very hard not to burst out laughing reading your ATL in my office with the boss seated opposite me. Great stuff! ‘Cept the joke at the expense of Saffers. But we have broad shoulders and a World Cup at home, so we can take it.
LikeLike
CMW stuns blog with empathy and fairness………………………….
LikeLiked by 1 person
gah!
LikeLike
Looks like Warren Whiteley’s career as a player is over. He missed most of the 20189 season through injury and won’t play at all in 2020 Super Rugby. He’s already 32, so unlikely to make a comeback after that. Rumoured to be looking at a coaching role at the Lions, which would be fantastic. He’s got an excellent rugby brain and leadership skills, so it would be good to keep him in the loop and mentor the youngsters coming through. No, TomP, I’m not referring to Jannie Dup!
LikeLike
Italy appoint Franco Smith.
Is that…. Good?
LikeLike
Really enjoyed that, cheers thaum.
Brightened up my ShitWeek no end.
LikeLiked by 1 person
‘Elon Musk’s glitzy unveiling of the first Tesla “cybertruck” descended into farce when a PR stunt testing the “bulletproof” body strength of the electric vehicle resulted in smashed windows.’
I’m sure the mars spaceship will be just fine
LikeLiked by 1 person
Craigs, your answer is here:
“The last Italian victory in the tournament was against Scotland in Edinburgh in February 2015, while at home the Azzurri have not won since March 2013, when they beat Ireland in Rome.”
Pfft! Japan beat them in the space of three weeks.
Positives: Smith coached Treviso for a number of years, so understands Italian rugby I suppose. Coaching the Cheetahs in Pro14 means he’s exposed to both Italy and the Celtic sides and their players.
Negatives: He’s had experience with the Boks as an assistant coach, which should be a positive, but it was under Allister Coetzee during the Scots-skipping Comedy Boks era.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Seems like a backwards step. Pro will be pleased.
LikeLike
How Nigel Wray must yearn for Sarries to play in the Top 14:
French Top 14 club Montpellier have had their €400,000 fine for salary cap infringements removed by the French Rugby Federation’s appeals commission, according to documents seen by AFP on Thursday. However the commission increased a previous €50,000 fine handed down by the National Rugby League (LNR) to €100,000 for “breaches of transparency obligations”.
And how the owner Mohed Altrad seems to have appointed Brexit-Nigel as his speechwriter!
Altrad told AFP in early October they were victims of a “Stalinist system” where the league sets the players’ prices.
LikeLike
Ha ha. Fantastic.
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/nov/21/take-a-look-at-me-now-baby-jesus-statue-resembles-phil-collins
LikeLiked by 1 person
Did anyone watch the Fiji-Barbarians match over the weekend? Only just saw that it was played at Twickers on Saturday. 33-31 to Fiji apparently.
LikeLike
Nope
LikeLike
Got a new keyboard. Things are looking up.
LikeLike
When you’ve hit rock bottom like chimpie even a new keyboard can seem like the world.
LikeLike
I’m even tempted to sink some lunchtime alez
But will probably go furra swim instead
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve just learned you can order a roast dinner delivery from Toby Carvery using the Just Eat app.
This has amused me no end.
LikeLike
Anybody voting Labour in Barking? You may wish to reconsider:
https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/article/2019-11-20-dame-margaret-hodge-mp-a-very-british-apartheid-profiteer/
LikeLike
oh, dear!
LikeLike
That can’t be true deebs. Labour is the party of virtue and anti racism.
LikeLiked by 1 person
If you read the article, you’ll find it’s not much different from what goes on today, with family trust funds, offshore operations etc etc used to cover for sanctions busting by her father and brother (allegedly, of course!). Of course spent 20 years donating the income from her shares in these businesses to charidee (but conveniently can’t remember which ones).
LikeLike
I’d just be wary of any attack articles right now.
So far what we know for absolute certainty is that the Tories set up their twitter handle during the debate as a false “fact checking service”, they lied about Labour’s spending plans before the manifesto was published and doubled down on those lies when pushed, and they put up a false site about the Labour manifesto, having bought whatever it is you buy from Google to direct searches there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m no big fan of Margaret Hodge, btw
LikeLike
“your”
CHIEFS SIDE TO FACE GLASGOW WARRIORS
15 Stuart Hogg, 14 Jack Nowell, 13 Henry Slade, 12 Ian Whitten, 11 Tom O’Flaherty
10 Joe Simmonds, 9 Nic White
1 Alec Hepburn, 2 Jack Yeandle (capt), 3 Harry Williams, 4 Dave Dennis, 5 Jonny Hill, 6 Dave Ewers, 7 Jacques Vermeulen, 8 Sam Simmonds
16 Luke Cowan-Dickie, 17 Ben Moon, 18 Marcus Street, 19 Jannes Kirsten, 20 Don Armand, 21 Jack Maunder, 22 Gareth Steenson, 23 Sam Hill
About as strong as possible……………..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Slade
LikeLike
Keep an eye out for Tom Gordon off the bench, a young flanker who outplayed Hamish Watson in their head to head at the end of last season
LikeLike
who’s favorite for winging up Hogg?……………..or can he do it all on his own ??
LikeLiked by 1 person
winding………..grrr
LikeLike
Slade, perhaps unsurprisingly Ryan Wilson has been texting him all week with wind ups
LikeLike
I can’t see Glasgow coming away with more than a point, tbh, though I’d like to be surprised
LikeLike
Ticht – most articles about the other side are attack articles. Find a positive article about the Tories in the Graun and I’ll be less cynical.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ticht,
The Daily Maverick is a well respected independent investigative paper over here. They certainly have no bone in the UK election fight and have clearly been researching this article for quite some time – including giving Hodge the opportunity to comment and respond to queries.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Craigs, leaving that article about Hodge on one side for a moment (I don’t know who funds that website), there is a difference between critique, criticisms and downright lies.
The Guardian hasn’t been wholly supportive of Labour, they advocated voting LibDem not that long ago, and whilst I’d be surprised to read an article from one of their journalists which was very supportive of the Tories, they have been very critical of Labour over the years.
Boris Johnson is a proven liar, he’s been sacked twice for it, once from an employer and once from his then party leader. His party has put into place policies which leave people destitute, he is all about himself and he doesn’t give a monkey’s about anyone or anything other than his personal ambition – see how he responded to the concerns from a traditionally supportive sector – “Fuck business” was his response.
We have a shit system, and the simple fact is that the next prime minister will either be Johnson or Corbyn, I’m no fan of Corbyn for reasons stated previously but I can see the manifesto his party are offering to the electorate is a far better choice than what we’ve had for the last nine years.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Craigs, just to clarify as well, that the Daily Maverisk isn’t on either ‘side’ in UK politics. It is fairly neutral and by our standards, liberal to left-leaning. Here’s an article by Peter Hain about Bojo turning Britain into a banana republic, for instance:
https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/opinionista/2019-08-30-a-man-without-a-plan-boris-johnson-is-turning-britain-into-a-banana-republic/
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ticht,
a bit like the Graun, they rely on donations for much of their funding. Again, it’s not a publication with a dog in the fight in the UK.
LikeLike
Deebee, I’d only ask, why publish now?
Why not wait a month?
Waiting until the election was over wouldn’t change anything in the article, in fact it would possibly give it more credence because there could be no claim of shenanigans – which I’m not actually claiming btw.
Barking was where Billy Bragg went to campaign, it’s his home town. He went to oppose the far right BNP which was on the rise there, Hodge got into a bit of trouble if I remember correctly because she said she understood why people voted for the BNP. They were clever, they sorted out peoples’ problems with their bin collections and every day stuff, this meant people felt they were being listened to – it’s a claim often pointed at the Left, and it’s often true, unfortunately – I remember a guy on TV saying that his local Labour Group in the East End of London knew more about Cuba than they did about Cuba St, which is in the area.
LikeLike
ULSTER BY 40
LikeLike
How does one paste tweets or pics into this box?
LikeLike
Jeez, even I can do that
LikeLike
you click on the thingy and it does it’s stuff.
LikeLike
LikeLike