Oooh, I’m so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.
Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.
Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.
Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.
Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.
Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.
Scrums are boring.
Hooray, a penalty!
Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.
HALF-TIME
Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.
SISTER’S INTERJECTION
– Is that Andrew Trimble?
– Yep; how did you know?
– We used to catch the same bus to school.
– Was he nice?
– Yeah, decent bloke.
– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.
– Oh Christ, I feel old.
RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Have you got his phone number?
SECOND HALF
Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.
Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?
Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.
Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.
What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?
See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.
Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.
*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.
Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.
*This may not be an actual prize.
On the telly this week
Friday 22nd November
| Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont | 19:45 | BT Sport 2 |
Saturday 23rd November
| Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys | 13:00 | Channel 4 / BT Sport 2 |
| Treviso 32 – 35 Saints | 13:00 | BT Sport 3 |
| Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht | 13:00 | BT Sport Extra |
| Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow | 15:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| England 60 – 3 Italy (women) | 15:00 | YouTube (!) |
| Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster | 15:15 | BT Sport 3 |
| Munster 21 – 21 Racing | 17:30 | BT Sport 3 |
| Quins 15 – 9 Bath | 17:30 | BT Sport 2 |
| Cardiff v Leicester | 20:00 | S4C / BT Sport 2 |
Sunday 24th November
| Sale v La Rochelle | 13:00 | BT Sport 2 |
| Montpellier v Gloucester | 15:15 | BT Sport 2 |
Ovally Balls 
And when she wakes up:
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As a small postscript to Ticht and Flair’s music interchange about the need for bubblegum as well as Mozart, this is a great clip to show why pop music might be a lifeline from the world bookended by that tv host and inhabited by those audience members.
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I love that marmot!
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Expressing marmot love has put me in mind of that beaver-esque abomination by Captain and Tennille, so it must be time for bed.
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It says right in the title ‘beaver’. Surely I can take things at face value on the internet…
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Love for rodents?
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@LADOAB – to be fair it might actually be a Baudrillardian simulacrum rather than a marmot. Unfortunately my Spotter’s Guide to Rodents doesn’t have a picture of a BS in it for me to compare it with so you’ll have to check with someone who has one that does.
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CMW – when I read Baudrillard at uni I couldn’t decide if he was a genius or a genius shite talker spinning his yarns as long as his tenure would allow.
Probably both tbh
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This is the kind of book I read at university
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Craigs, I think Baudrillard left a tenured position quite early, early 90s or so.
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Tomp – maybe not a genius then. See also Henri Lefebvre and his book The Production of Space which could and should have been about 100 pages.
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Why can’t philosophers use bullet points? One of life’s great mysteries.
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You should have tried Engineering Thermodynamics or Thermodynamics for Engineers, I don’t remember what it was called but I do remember I couldn’t find a use for it, even the paper was too thick for rolling reefers, though I guess it was so thick and heavy it made for a stable rolling platform.
Not totally useless, then.
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Ospreys’ Matt Sherratt is to replace Mike Blair as Scotland attack coach
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Wonder what’s going to happen to Blair?
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‘Working to the Premiership salary cap is “really easy” and there is “no way” you can breach it with the right model in place, says Bristol boss Pat Lam.’
yeah. in your face Wray.
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That might be the best tweet ever.
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Wales Men v Barbarians (Saturday 30 November, Principality Stadium, 14.45am):
1. Wyn Jones
2. Ken Owens
3. Dillon Lewis
4. Jake Ball
5. Adam Beard
6. Aaron Shingler
7. Justin Tipuric (c)
8. Aaron Wainwright
9. Tomos Williams
10. Jarrod Evans
11. Josh Adams
12. Hadleigh Parkes
13. Owen Watkin
14. Johnny McNicholl
15. Leigh Halfpenny
Replacements:
16. Elliot Dee
17. Rob Evans
18. Leon Brown
19. Seb Davies
20. Ollie Griffiths
21. Gareth Davies
22. Sam Davies
23. Owen Lane
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Looking forward to how piss weak the Welsh pro sides will be this weekend.
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Yer Bonnie Fechters
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Didn’t expect Watson to be back so soon
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That’s pretty much Munster’s second string – obv with one or both eyes on 2 games vs Saracens – whereas it looks as if Edinburgh are bringing their first XV (or pretty much)
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It’s not far off our first team, Trisk, one or two changes, WP Nel, Jamie Ritchie and Darcy Graham would strengthen the squad, but that’s about it.
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However, we are hampered by the double whammy of our appalling away record and this being Munster away.
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Larry must be trying to turn his computer on or something, so
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Soz, Lazza, just a little joke :-)
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@thaum I realise this is not asked for but here is a tune from an album that made me realise that I didn’t dislike country music anything like I’d thought:
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Handy looking Embra team on paper
However we’ll be playing away on grass which tends to confumble us in a most perplexing manner.
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Ulster are going to squish that Scarlets B team.
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Sorry. that should be ‘thieving norn gibbons are going to squish that Scarlets B team’
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Beadle, have you listened to Bonnie Prince Billy or his various incarnations much?
If you like that Lambchop song I think you’d like BPB.
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“However we’ll be playing away on grass which tends to confumble us in a most perplexing manner.”
Plastic grass at that.
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@ticht. I sort of have but only in passing. I have a Palace Brothers single that I really liked. But that coincided with a time that I was too skint to expand further. Now there is a vast body of work and it feels impenetrable. Any recommendations to get started with?
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Not the plastic grass!
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haven’t had a mince pie yet this festive season. I realise these can be quite divisive items, but, at risk of starting a scone-wars type scenario was wondering what the OB consensus is.
Personally I like mine slightly warmed & plain.
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Beadle, I’d probably recommend starting from here, I have at least ten albums by Palace Musci/Will Oldham and Bonnie Prince Billy, but this is a good one to begin with, it is absolutely beautiful, in fact that was how it was described to me in a record shop when I was looking at it, only having heard of the guy, so I bought the thing, double vinyl no less and I’ve been a huge fan since
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just had a look and you can get it for around three quid on ebay
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Chimpie, I like minces pies but I rarely get to have one, I’m the only one in my household that likes them and I don’t like them enough to buy a box of six for myself.
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I was at a Bonnie Prince Billy gig here with a mate, My mate is a huge Nick Cave fan and sure enough I spotted Cave standing a few feet from us in the audience before the gig started, it took a while for me to persuade my mate to just go up and say hello, but he did.
I sort of regretted it because then lots of people went up and said hello.
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@ticht. Great. Done and done, good old eBay. Merry Christmas to me.
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“we’ll be playing away on grass”
I see Ticht got there before me… IIP (aka Musgrave Park) is some kind of 4G since 2018
Strangest thing was it was known as a good surface before being torn up – which led to the belief that the plastic grass was put down to allow greater use of the facility for concerts etc
and the apocryphal tale that it plays better after a concert when the “grass” is all trodden down…..
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Tell me what you think, Beadle, I can recommend others if wanted.
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Greatest Palace Music is an excellent record.
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I am looking forward to hearing it already.
However, I’m still in the early stages of going through a monster USB stick of music selected by one of my oldest friends from earlier in the year so it may take some time to filter through.
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This is quite funny:
“I unfolded the presentation of my project as I had planned, everything went well. In the end, Pierre Camou simply came to me and said, ‘Clive, unanimously your presentation is the best of all. And by far. But you will not have the job. We have already recruited Guy Noves’. I took it very badly. It was disrespectful.”
The setback didn’t result in Woodward completely cutting his ties with France as he revealed he is in the process of setting up a ski academy in the Alps and becoming its director of sport.
They probably also farted in his general direction.
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All that powerpoint gone to waste
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Probably did it to troll him.
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