Mother’s Match Commentary

Oooh, I’m  so excited! Come on, Ulster! They are playing in orange, aren’t they? Or are they the ones in white and red? I can never remember. Oh, right, white.

Grand, they’re starting. Why do they kick the ball to the other team instead of hanging on to it? That’s silly. Now look, there’s going to be a scrum. I know what a scrum is. It’s a bit like a cuddle, but then they all stick their noses in each other’s arses and the wee fella chucks the ball in. Then the whistle blows and they do it all over again ten times.

Fantastic, Ulster have got the ball! Oh look, he’s kicked it off the field, the eejit. What do you mean, in the opposition’s 22? Why is everyone standing up for the Ulstermen? Oh, so that’s good then.

Some of those fellas trundling up don’t look very fit at all. They’re a bit fat, like. They should go on a diet: they’re supposed to be able to run around for ninety minutes. Oh, eighty minutes? Close enough. If they could run for ninety, they could run for eighty easily.

Why have the other side got the ball to throw in? We had it last. I think the referee has got this wrong. Look at that: the man threw it to his own team and now they’ve got the ball. Now they’re all over the floor and it’s hard to tell what’s going on.

Wa-hey, that Ulsterman’s got the ball! Whoops, he’s dropped it. Ach well, never mind, it is pissing it down and it’s probably a bit slippy. What do you mean, the others get a scrum? He didn’t mean to drop it. That’s just not fair.

Scrums are boring.

Hooray, a penalty!

Didn’t he kick it beautifully? I bet it’s because his mum raised him on soda farls. Oh, South African, is he? Well, never mind, I’m sure his mother loves him anyway.

HALF-TIME

Boys-oh-boy but that’s a fine figure of a man. Have you any idea if he’s single? I have three daughters. And no grandchildren. Except for two dogs. And they’re both spayed.

SISTER’S INTERJECTION

– Is that Andrew Trimble?

– Yep; how did you know?

– We used to catch the same bus to school.

– Was he nice?

– Yeah, decent bloke.

– He’s retired now; that’s why he’s doing commentary.

– Oh Christ, I feel old.

RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP

Have you got his phone number?

SECOND HALF

Oh, d’ye see that fella there? That’s Stuart McCloskey. He goes to my hairdresser. He has lovely hair, so he does. He doesn’t half darken the doorway when he walks into the shop though.

Would you look at that nonsense! All the other fellas are piling on top. That’s bullying. Why doesn’t the referee stop it?

Ach for fuck’s sake the referee is awarding a penalty to the other side! This is a travesty. What do you mean, failed to release the ball? It was his bloody ball and I don’t see why he should give it to them. That’s ridiculous.

Well, this is more like it. Brave boys running down the pitch and putting the ball down over the line.

What’s a TMO? Turd Match Official? Why shouldn’t you be able to throw the ball in any direction you like if you’ve got it?

See that. I was right. Ulster vindicated. I don’t know why there was any dispute.

Well, there you are now, Martin.* Match won despite the other’s side’s cheating and the referee being biased.

*I have no idea where this phrase comes from, but it might be this.

Note: as you may be able to tell, this was mostly originally written a couple of years ago. OvallyBalls prize* to the first person who spots the internal inconsistency.

*This may not be an actual prize.

On the telly this week

Friday 22nd November

Ulster 28 – 13 Clermont19:45BT Sport 2

Saturday 23rd November

Saracens 44 – 3 Ospreys13:00Channel 4 / BT Sport 2
Treviso 32 – 35 Saints13:00BT Sport 3
Toulouse 32 – 17 Connacht13:00BT Sport Extra
Exeter 34 – 18 Glasgow15:00BT Sport 2
England 60 – 3 Italy (women)15:00YouTube (!)
Lyon 6 – 13 Leinster15:15BT Sport 3
Munster 21 – 21 Racing17:30BT Sport 3
Quins 15 – 9 Bath17:30BT Sport 2
Cardiff v Leicester20:00S4C / BT Sport 2

Sunday 24th November

Sale v La Rochelle13:00BT Sport 2
Montpellier v Gloucester15:15BT Sport 2

664 thoughts on “Mother’s Match Commentary

  1. EnzoM's avatarEnzoM

    Like

  2. EnzoM's avatarEnzoM

    Like

  3. EnzoM's avatarEnzoM

    Like

  4. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    Lazza, if you save an image on your ‘puter you can use postimage to upload it here – I didn’t like imgur, they asked for too many permissions

    click on the “choose image” button and then copy the address which ends “blah blah jpeg” and post it here

    https://postimages.org/

    Liked by 1 person

  5. EnzoM's avatarEnzoM

    Like

  6. EnzoM's avatarEnzoM

    Like

  7. EnzoM's avatarEnzoM

    I’m all over this.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. EnzoM's avatarEnzoM

    What a Franco-Irish weekend this is. Wolfe Tone, James Joyce, Louis XIV, Trevor Brennan – the whole ticket.

    Like

  9. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    I see you’ve got the hang of the Twitter thing.

    That Lyon tweet is rubbish, you can’t even read who is in the team when you click on it, tbh if I hadn’t just looked up the fixtures I wouldn’t know what team it was either

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Chimpie's avatarChimpie

    There you go. Just needed my help obviously.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Chimpie's avatarChimpie

    I’m reasonably optimistic about Embra tonight.

    even though it’s the pish cup.

    Like

  12. Chimpie's avatarChimpie

    Think the cultural appropriators will have too much up front at home for the powderpuffs

    Like

  13. Chimpie's avatarChimpie

    Anyone want to read some authentic libertarian gibberish?

    Like

  14. avsfan's avataravsfan

    Great words Thaum. Reminds me of watching a movie with my mother in law: Wait, what did he say? Who’s that? Why did she put the envelope there? Isn’t that………????

    Like

  15. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    avs, when watching anything with my grandmother we’d be engrossed in a very tense scene and she’d say “look at that lovely mahogany coffee table”

    Liked by 3 people

  16. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    I’d never heard the term, “seasteading” before, Chimpie.

    Like

  17. Chimpie's avatarChimpie

    It’s a lovely romantic notion of living the in the middle of the sea so you’re not subject to any nations laws cos screw you all. Or something.

    This may not be an entirely accurate view.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Ticht, why does an article aimed at a South African audience, in a South African paper, with a reputation for reporting fairly have to take UK elections into account?

    Were it an expose of a Tory, would you be questioning the timing or source of funding of the paper? It’s clear that they’ve been working on the story for some time, I’d imagine with deadlines in place and that they were working on it before Bojo called the election. Surely the content deserves more than suspicion as to its motivation?

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Ticht – we keep coming back to the same point. I don’t think either party is particularly virtuous. Labour is better but not by much. And not enough to convince the public currently.

    I agree with you on BoJo. I fucking hate the vagina.

    Like

  20. Chimpie – I’m probably a ‘civil libertarian’ or whatever in that I think adults should be able to do pretty much what they want so long as they don’t impact others when they do it. Marry who they want. Dress how they want. Put into their bodies what they want. And I think that prison sentences are too harsh – in the USA in particular.

    Economically however….

    Like

  21. That article is fairly bonkers too.

    Like

  22. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    notablog favourite Stewart Lee

    Like

  23. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    “Were it an expose of a Tory, would you be questioning the timing or source of funding of the paper?”

    1. Yes I would, I’m cynical that way, but in the interests of full disclosure I’d be behind an expose like this of a Tory because of 2.
    2. This is a false equivalence, one party is endeavouring to expand public services and look after the weakest members of our society. The other is blatantly trying to turn those services into privately owned profit-seeking enterprises for the enrichment of themselves and their friends, it only takes a cursory look into who is procuring NHS services to see this.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. yosoy's avataryosoy

    Dragz are 14 all with Max Garlic’s ladz at half time.

    Like

  25. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    Yos, I was walking the dog about an hour ago, I was on the path around the pond where some people were doing a MrIks and feeding the geese.

    I suddenly thought of Max and how I’d used his name to remind myself to buy garlic earlier, of course I forgot and I shouted “Shite” out loud. One of the geese guys looked up and I said, “I forgot garlic”.

    He tutted, rolled his eyes and went back to feeding the birds.

    Liked by 6 people

  26. yosoy's avataryosoy

    Now 17-21 Dragz. It’s on the EPCR website with Russian commentary, if you fancy it

    Liked by 1 person

  27. yosoy's avataryosoy

    BP try for the Dragz. The defence just made Arwel Robson look like King Carlos.

    Like

  28. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    Zappa-esque

    Liked by 2 people

  29. tompirracas's avatartompirracas

    Seasteading’s a bit old hat now. Haven’t read the article chimpie posted but I hope the word “Seavilization” was used..

    New Zealand passport holder Peter Thiel put a load of money into it. He’s a great one for jurisdiction shopping.

    There’s a writer called Atossa Araxia Abrahamian who’s really good on all this stuff.

    Like

  30. Ticht, I read the article and thought it would be of interest to peeps here because of the UK link and the apartheid link. Also because of her (appatent) hypocrisy, something often brought up here in relation to those on the right.

    Whilst I agree with you on what parties are trying to achieve, it’s only a false equivalence of viewpoint, not fact.

    I really don’t want to go down a rabbit hole on this – I thought it was an interesting article about how the apartheid regime thrived and how unscrupulous people benefited from it. It was a slow Friday afternoon and not intended to raise issues of motivations for publication or anything else.

    Have you read the article? It’s actually a fascinating glimpse into South Africa’s history.

    Like

  31. tompirracas's avatartompirracas

    82,000 millionaires got another passport in 2016. You can just buy one if you’d like: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/25/your-money/wealth-immigration-millionaires-australia-canada.html

    Like

  32. OurTerry's avatarOurTerry

    @tomp

    Atossa Araxia Abrahamian

    My missus keeps calling me that.

    Liked by 2 people

  33. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    I did read it Deebee, and my comments weren’t meant to be taken personally.

    One thing is certainly true, hypocrisy is not the sole preserve of the right, just that they tend to do it bigger.

    Like

  34. yosoy's avataryosoy

    Tyler Morgan wraps it up. 49-22.

    Like

  35. ClydeMillarWynant's avatarClydeMillarWynant

    I’m surprised Margaret Hodge wasn’t prepared to work with the writers of the article. Would have thought she’d have admitted it all and put her hands up to all sorts of other even worse things just to further discredit the party.

    Liked by 2 people

  36. slademightbe#42again's avatarsladeis#42

    Hmm……Toulon vs Scarlets on French terrestial ce soir;
    demain c’est Lyon vs Leinster
    Dimanche – rien – which is good ‘cos we’re out to lunch!

    Like

  37. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    Sod it, I’ve got lots to do but it will still be there tomorrow or the next day or the one after that.

    I saw a new one for me in the minimart (the minimart with a little bit more garlic than they should have), Hobgoblin Gold.
    S’alright, nothing fancy.

    Like

  38. slademightbe#42again's avatarsladeis#42

    Ticht
    Saw a French made single malt in the supermarket today………………..”Flanker”

    Liked by 1 person

  39. badlyredboy's avatarbadlyredboy

    Your Turk heroes to play Toulon:
    Scarlets: McNicholl; Baldwin, Hughes (capt), Fonotia, S Evans; Lamb, Blacker; R Evans, Elias, Lee, Ratuva, J Kruger, Shingler, Macleod, B Thomson.

    Replacements: M Jones, P Price, Sebastian, Helps, Cassiem, Hardy, D Jones, M Williams.

    That is probably the biggest pack they have ever put out.
    Will it be enough?
    I don’t know why they’re bothering really, apparently only the Lib Dems can win in the Toulon constituency. *
    * according to a leaflet I may have seen

    Liked by 2 people

  40. Borderboy's avatarBorderboy

    Ticht! (and any others, but maybe not Thaum).

    BBC4. 9.30pm. Ken Burns Country Music documentary starts.

    Liked by 2 people

  41. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    oooh, that’s interesting, Slade. I’ve just had a look and I see it’s produced in the Alsace region.

    I’ll get the guys who run the tastings to try a bottle.

    We had a tasting on the same day as the EU referendum and the whiskies were from all over Europe, but I don’t think there was a French one on the menu

    Liked by 1 person

  42. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    oh ya beauty BB, I’ve been so looking forward to this, I’ll set the doofler up now

    Like

  43. Chimpie!!! Big news!!!!! I’m having a beer.

    Like

  44. tichtheid's avatartichtheid

    My mistake, Slade, we did have a French whisky that evening

    “Domaine des Hautes Glaces Les Moissons Organic Single Malt. This malt hails from the alpine region of south-eastern France, and is made from a mixture of organic barley from three harvests. ”

    https://maltncopper.com/2016/06/

    Like

  45. Ticht, no sweat, I suppose more than anything it reveals the grubby nature of the political/connected classes in general.

    Liked by 2 people

  46. tompirracas's avatartompirracas

    I had a great chat with an old Afrikaner once, He was married to my missus’s boss’s pilates teacher. He’d been in the South African Defence Force from the 1970s and was a career soldier. Big football fan who was president of the Eastern Transvaal/Mpumalanga FA for a while and liked his rugby a lot as well.

    Anyway, we were chatting away to the Czech Economic Attache and my SA man brought up the subject of Czech handguns and how popular they’d been with his fellow officers in the 1970s. “But how did you get hold of these Communist weapons? And why when you were fighting the “Communists” in Angola and Mozambique and all over?” “How is easy. As long as you’ve got the money you can buy anything. And they were bloody nice guns.”

    Like

  47. tompirracas's avatartompirracas

    Margaret Hodge gave a speech at a Fabian Society meeting I was at. My mum then gave her a lift to the train station in Bournemouth. She was very pleasant to me. If only I’d known etc etc

    Like

  48. tompirracas's avatartompirracas

    Ms Hodge also features in this article about Corbyn: https://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2019/05/is-jeremy-corbyn-really-anti-semitic/

    Here’s the relevant paragraph:

    “In 1987 the West London Synagogue approached Islington Council with a startling proposal: to sell its original cemetery to property developers, destroying the gravestones and digging-up and reburying the bodies lying under them. This cemetery (dating from 1840) was not merely of great historic and architectural interest – in the view of orthodox Jews, the deliberate destruction of a cemetery is sacrilegious. So when Islington Council granted the planning application, a Jewish-led and ultimately successful campaign was launched to have the decision reversed. I was part of that campaign. So was Jeremy Corbyn. Meanwhile, the then-leader of Islington Council (1982-92), whose decision to permit the destruction of the cemetery was eventually overturned, was none other than Margaret Hodge (though it is unclear whether she personally was in favour of the proposal).”

    Like

  49. tompirracas's avatartompirracas

    I’m 21 out of 21 for correct guesses on Superbru at the moment. That’s going to take a battering tonight.

    Like

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